I get so angry sometimes I have no clue what to do with myself. I’m unable to calm down. I can’t control myself. Mind you, all of this is going on inside of me. I’m not expressing my anger outwardly. It’s my thoughts that are driven me crazy. While I’m driving I’m literally cursing everyone out that’s to the front, left and right of me. When I’m at work, my only weakness is my phone etiquette. I’m curt, cut & dry, and passionate (in an aggressive way). Most of my anger comes from always being misunderstood. I always feel like I have to defend myself. Close friends, actually enjoy it when I’m angry because they say I say some funny shit when I’m mad. Sure it’s entertaining to them until they are the ones that I’m mad at. Sometimes, I blank out and forget all the hurtful shit I say. I’m liable to hurt people’s feelings in an instant during one my episodes. Worse case scenario, I lose the very ones that I love. And that’s the most terrible feeling to have. Naturally, when women go through things, she buries her head into a pillow and cry. Not me. I add another brick to the house of anger that I’m secretly building & walk away. Silently. Then, in the mere future, over a lil “tif”, I’ll break down all those bricks and drag out everything from underneath in a negative way. Buried beneath all that anger is a part of me that wants it to stop. As the years go by, I’ve been slowly (but surely) defeating this problem. I don’t spaz out as quickly as I used to, my temper isn’t as short anymore, and I tend to think before I react now. Times where I can feel that I’m unable to control myself, I’ll just remain quiet and wait until that urge passes by. Then when I calm down (6 hours later) that’s when I’ll speak on what mad me angry in the first place. I need the time, space & opportunity to vent my anger, frustration and/or dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, those who are not close to me bear the brunt of my emotions when I release them. I have my moments where I fuck up and slip but nothing makes me feel any worse than when the person doesn’t fully forgive me.

I feel like a slave. Being a slave to anger. Does anyone know what that may feel like? It’s almost as if you’re trapped but in a minor way. It’s not a dangerous sympton but people’s feelings are at risk at times. You don’t hold yourself back from “blowing up” because you don’t believe that they deserve that. You want them to feel exactly how you feel. Frustrated. Disappointed. Hurt. Betrayed. Disrespected. And when it’s all said & done, you feel bad about yourself because of what you’ve done. Is anger management imperative for me? Or is there hope that I can get through this feat without the help of professionals? MTV aired a show called “True Life: I Need Anger Management” and man, I can relate to 90% of what those people were feeling. Everything annoys me. And when it does, and I don’t do a thing about it, it eats me up inside. You wouldn’t be able to tell though because I won’t say a word. Far from a pushover though.

Enduring anger is a vicious cycle that leads to self-destruction. And even though I am intelligent enough to know this, some how, I am unable to let that process efficiently through my emotions. Why am I easily irritated as of late? Why do I feel like fighting all of a sudden? My grandmother always told me that one day I will bump into someone who’s bigger and badder than me. And I used to just roll my eyes. Now…I’m taking strong heed to those words. People are crazy and they have guns. Almost every week I read a story about someone getting shot or just flat out dying over something so minuscule like a parking spot or grabbing the last Doritos.

I really don’t know where I can go with this. Is it normal to get upset at least once an hour, yet, not really speaking on it? Does it make it any better because I’m holding tongue? I have no clue where to start in order to make it better for myself. All I want though is for people to understand that I have a short temper and embrace that I am seeking answers and help me get through the healing process.