written august 8th, 2008
No matter what they have done to you and/or said to you, you can’t stop loving them. We can’t seem to let them go. Why is that? Are we naive? Maybe soft? Or are we just forgiving under certain circumstances? It’s like you’re stuck in a tight ball of emotions and you’re unable to breathe. Suffocated by the love you have. You can’t release anymore it because no one’s there to absorb it. And what we do? Nothing. No matter how much they disappoint you, neglect or abuse you…if you love them, you’ll probably stay. It doesn’t matter what others say about them, how others feel about them or how bad you feel about them; if you love them, you’re emotionally trapped. What do you do, when you find yourself always trying to make things work? What do you do, when you’re doing most of the work? What do you do, when all communication has ceased? What do you do, when the arguing is occurring more than the actual actions of love? Do you close your eyes and pray for it to just myseriously disappear or do you take it on, headstrong and battle whatever it is that’s preventing you from loving each other and make it stop? Well, the only way to eliminate the stress and pain that’s causing the rupture in your relationship is to stop doing the things that create it. And if you’re not the “guilty party” that’s creating it, try to intervene. Love will always be a challenge. There will be rough times, difficult situations, major obstacles and forks in the road that will distract you from reaching your destination. There will be manipulative people that are envious of your accomplishments & people that will doubt the success of your union. The more you acknowledge them, the more they will succeed in destroying you. We listen to the same old line, accept the same dead promises, follow them down the same tired ass road, in the hopes they have “changed”. We listen to what they say and hear something else. We see what they do and turn our face. Denial. That shit can make you more naive then you thought you was. But then when the bottom falls out, we quickly place the blame for the pain on the other person. We shift our anger to them rather than accept our responsibility for the role we played.
There are keys to successful relationships. Here are some of mine, and a few I gathered from help sites:
1 – Never make anyone else responsible for your happiness
2 – Trust what your inner self feels, sees and says
3 – Pay close attention to the warnings signs
4 – SPEND TIME TOGETHER: Prioritize spending time together outside the routines of daily life. Your relationship deserves attention & conscious investment of time, energy and money for therapy, as well as outings away from children, work and household responsibilities.
5 – Talk. All the time. And in depth. It might seem like a cliché, but communication is key.
6 – Choose your battles. Think carefully about the things that really do upset you before you rush headfirst into an argument, rather than picking on every teeny tiny irritating thing.
7 – Learn how to say sorry. It’s an important part of moving on after an argument, and making up can be a real bonus in more ways than one…
8 – Humor: “Life is too important to be taken seriously”. Relationships are in trouble when partners can no longer see the humor in a situation. To stay together, we must remember how to play together.
9 – Have your touchiest discussions in a public place. Discussions held over dinner in a restaurant are less subject to explosive outbursts, distractions by children, or telephones. You and your partner may be less likely to storm out of a restaurant, and chances are better that you will both stick with a heated discussion until a resolution is reached.
10 – GET HELP: We enter relationships only knowing what we learned (or did not learn) from our parents about solving conflicts. If you did not have good role models for conflict resolution in your family, chances are your mate did not either. We choose partners who will allow us to do what we already know how to do; and what we know is what we learned in our families of origin. Many couples need help learning new tools to apply to conflicts in their relationships.
11 – Be prepared to make sacrifices. Although you should never have to change who you are to suit somebody, people shouldn’t be afraid of giving up little habits or trying to get out of personality quirks for a partner/loved one.
12 – Don’t fully commit to someone who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep them in your radar but get to know others also.
13 – Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
14 – You should never look for someone to “complete” you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
15 – The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Nothing ever strikes without a warning. So once you detect that warning…don’t ignore it. Open your eyes and believe what you see, not what’s in front of you. Listen to what is said, not what you hear. Then, search for the facts, not what you wished it could be. Believing is seeing, understanding, and trusting. If you don’t believe, there will be no success. Communication is key.
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