written may 18th, 2008
Many of us think we are lucky or blessed when we find the right person to love. By now we know that nothing in life is an accident, including our selection on who we catch feelings for. Very often we go into relationships with the idea that we can make somebody better. We see and know their flaws or shortcomings and take it upon ourselves to help them fix what is wrong. Our task in our relationships is not to fix one another. Our job is to love what we see and support one another in doing better. If all fails, just say goodbye to that relationship. Sometimes they’re simply not ready for a commitment. I used to have this unrealistic expectation in certain people to just flat out act right and handle themselves (and others) in a respectful, mature way. Having consideration & being appreciative. But I gave up. I’ve grown exhausted. There was a time that I knew for a fact I can change certain things about my ex, for the better of course. But some of those things may be just how he is and I either needed to accept it or move on. So I chose to move on. I struggled to not try to mold him into the potential that I see. I didn’t notice these things before, of course, because we weren’t serious about each other. But once love made it’s existence, things that I overlooked became bigger to me. It was a big learning experience for me that I don’t ever want to go through again. Disappoints held more weight than the happy moments. In order to fall in love, you need strength to fall out of it. Just in case. Love can either make you or break you. And trust me, it has broke me many times. Not saying that I have been in love a lot, but there were people that I did truly love, unconditionally & platonically, who didn’t share the same love in return.
There’s a big difference between fighting for the one you love and fighting with the one you love. You can love them for who they are and what they are and stop complaining. But if you keep going in and out of the same relationship, chances are you are going to get hurt. People come together in a relationship to learn. Once you learn your lesson, take that same lesson, and move on to something new. You can do the same old things in just some many ways until you lose track of what you are doing. How many ways can you cry? How many ways can you hurt? How many ways can you convince yourself that you can make this work? When a relationship is over, you need to recognize that fact, disassociate yourself from that person and then let it go. No matter how much you love the other person, or how afraid you are that you will never love again, you cannot squeeze juice from a piece of dry fruit. So don’t bother trying. Praying won’t make the relationship work. Losing weight won’t make the relationship work. Changing your hairstyle won’t make the relationship work. Nothing will make it work until you realize WHY it’s not working.
I used to think if it needs to be fixed, then it’s a problem. But it’s not. Fixing is stating what is wrong, why and demanding to change. Supporting is allowing us to make our own choices, being there if things go wrong and to make our own choices, in doing better next time. Fixing is forcing us to do it their way when our way doesn’t work. Supporting is sharing with us their needs and trusting we will take them into account. Fixing is nagging. Supporting is nurturing. Fixing is anger when things get rough. Supporting is knowing things will get better. Supporting is seeing us exactly as we are. Fixing is seeing in them what we refuse to see in ourselves. If you can’t look into the eyes of the person you claim to “love” without seeing bits and pieces of yourself, then maybe you have a lot of consideration that needs to be done. Never lead someone else, or yourself, on to believe that time will make you love someone more or better. Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When you are loving, you are not doubting, judging or fearing; you are are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love, without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse it. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fix what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix. All you’re doing is building.
I already got my pile of bricks.
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