I came across that email while I was looking for something else through my gmail. The man (there were plenty of other things I wanted to call him like “fuckboy” or “bitch with a dick” but I’m going to keep it classy) that wrote that letter for me, hated me 6 months later. He ran my name through the mud. Funny how that same love he professed, turns into hate. What is it about love that makes you HATE the person as soon as they exit your life? Does hate really exist or is it an easier way to get over someone? I know they say “mind over matter”, but does it matter when your mind isn’t truly over it? Or maybe, they never loved you in the first place?

Love isn’t meant to be solved. It’s just is. Take heed to these words if you ever find yourself feeling stuck, asking questions. Life & relationships are not about being frozen in place, wondering “Where do I go from here?”. It’s about growth, commitments, love and knowing your path. Sometimes you may just have to fight for love because the other party is simply scared of it. And if you’re the person who’s scared of love, scared of fighting to make things work, scared to make the slightest effort to earn that companionship, you need to do some thorough soul searching. Life is so much better to aim for your desires than not trying at all. I personally prefer to try, and maybe get rejected, than to not knowing at all if it would have worked. I know, I know…easier said than done. But remember….the hardest advice to follow is your own.

No one is meant to be alone. Never believe that saying “We all die alone”. We WHO? You know who dies alone? Hateful people who treat everyone else like shit & with ill intent. I just backspaced about 5 times after that statement because I started to think about the people who are so miserable that they make it their daily business to try to make others miserable as well. I was going in on a different level, and almost scared myself. So I won’t even spoke the words into existence. I don’t need that karma on me.

When I think about life and the events that occur in it, I always wonder what’s the real reason certain things happen. One year can be stress filled and then the next year is eventful. You know how someone can finish pouring their heart to you about a devastating situation and the only thing we’ll probably say is “everything happens for a reason“? Well I have yet to find out that reason. To a lot of things. Why did certain people hurt me the way they did? Why did he say he’s going to be there, just to disappear again the next day? Why did I almost lose my life in that car crash? Why did she have to die the way she did? My only guess is…negative experiences happens in our lives to make us stronger. What won’t break us will make us? It seems like the more positive we get about things and our current situation, negativity tries it’s best to shove it’s head into our life and ruin it. I refuse to let the bad outweigh the good though. I try my best to keep my focus on the good things like bubblegum, dick & weave sales. Just kidding about dick. Not wait, I’m not.

Obviously I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my past lately. Maybe too much. But sometimes, it’s what you have to do in order to move forward. Yup, I’m about to be cliche and say 2010 will be my year. You watch.

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I’m lying. No one did that.

I registered for 5 classes this summer. Online classes. An extra piece of information: summer school is only 7 weeks long. Am I crazy for that? I don’t think so. I’m focused and motivated as hell. Plus, I don’t feel like going on that hot ass campus during the summer nights, for 3 hours each night. One of the classes is Physical Education. My homegirl asked me how can you take Phys Ed online. I told her by doing jumping jacks, via webcam, for 30 minutes each day. No bra. Nipples just spinning in circles, looking like they’re turning a double dutch rope.

I have a very creative mind. Don’t judge me.

Have you ever found yourself in complete bliss to the point where you were just waiting for the shit to fuck up? You sit there pondering “Okay, when is this going to turn to shit?” And you sit there anxiously tapping your fingers for the big bang. That’s what I’m doing right now. Although, I find right when I talk too soon, it turns to shit. lol, isn’t it ironic? Oh well, such is life. That’s why you keep backup plans.

We will see. In the meantime, I’m about to make it rain with these leftover rose petals. I’ll save some for later.

“damn, i fucked up” – written by chanel
he’s glaring at me
shaking his head
wondering why i did what i did
disappointment arises.
I whisper: damn, i fucked up.
i apologize repeatedly
tried to give him the sad face
and reach out to hug him
he declines.
I whisper: damn, i fucked up.
he continues to bicker…pointing at me
expressing his anger, capitalizing
he goes for the front door
unexpectedly, i cry
I whisper: damn, i fucked up.
he pauses at the doorstep
negativity evaporates from his spine…
ashamed, i turn away, not ready to endure more
with sternness, he says my name.
I whisper: damn, i fucked up.
gently, he turns me around, facing him
he wipes one tear away
however, unfazed by my “grief”, he frowns
shaking his head once more, he whispers “goodbye”…
he continues out the door.
I whisper: damn, i fucked up.
with my head down, i hide my shame
with my back turned, i hide my vulnerability
with my eyes closed, i hide the reality
with my arms crossed, i hide my heart,
with my mouth closed, i hide a smile.

damn, i put on a good show.

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Notice that these women either have a scowl on their face or an attitude. You’re either unaware of their body type or it’s evident that they are slightly overweight. They all have hair that you cannot come through, nor is it past the shoulders. Why are we perceived that way as if we’re just a bunch of grumpy frumpy nappy intolerable people to deal with? Why when we’re showing joy, it has to be expressed in an exaggerating way. So if we’re not parading around with a damn attitude, we’re being loud and obnoxious. Why can’t we be conditioned to see all different types of black women? Embracing different styles of clothing, hair and body types? When I see white women in commercials, they’re running through fields of purple flowers, hair flowing in the wind, falling into the arms of a happy man. When I see black women in commercials, they’re in the kitchen, with 2 mulatto kids, no father present, complaining about something. And if there is a father around, he has this look of discomfort on his face. Or probably has an attitude too. Most of all, where are the pretty ones? I am quite positive that there are a lot of nice looking black women trying out for commercials so why are the unattractive ones, stuck in this stereotypical Afrocentric look, being chosen? Where are these women for the commercials?:

As you can see, we come in all shapes, sizes, skin tone and beauty. Now, I’m not saying this is in EVERY commercial I see where a black woman is present. But I can safely say at least 80% of them this is occurring. I’m not sure the reason for it, or how to change it. But I am certain that they need to wake up and open their eyes because times have changed. We’re all not nappy anymore. We can afford to keep our hair looking right. We’re all not frumpy anymore. We just have big butts and breasts (naturally!). We’re more in the office, being the backbone of a business and less in the kitchen with the mami apron on. We all don’t twist our necks when we’re voicing our opinion nor are we walking around with a scowl on our face. We don’t have a chip on our shoulders nor are we always at war with our men. This reminds me of the early 70′s where the only reason a black woman was casted for a role in the movie she was either a maid or a hooker.

Sidetrack: Weaves. There’s this sort of taboo about weaves and that’s also being associated with black women as well. As if we’re so “fake” and are “frauds” just because we have a weave. Ummmm, white women wear weaves also, JUST as much as black women. The reason why we don’t notice or can’t tell is because of the obvious. White women hair grows longer faster and the hair weaves match their hair texture better. We’re so conditioned to seeing black women with short hair, no one can fathom the thought that if her hair is 18 inches long, it’s real. They immediately cancel her out and say it’s a weave. Also, just because we have a weave, does not mean we’re bald. My real hair is past the back of my neck. The reason why most women (black & white) wears a weave is because they like to change hairstyles in a drastic way without actually damaging their real hair. Most of these hairstyles cannot be achieved with the hair we have.

If you’re of another race reading this, feel free to agree right along with me by letting me know how YOU feel about the way black women are projected in the media (if you even noticed it at all?). I try to look at it in a different perspective and analyzed how other races are portrayed in commercials and to be honest, I’m noticing other stereotypes as well. Except with the white actors/actresses. I’m sure if a white woman was watching BET and if most of the commercials portray white woman talking like a Valley Girl (ie: “LIKE, OH MY GAWD!”) she would feel the same way too. And if you disagree, I would love for you to tell me why also. I would like for this topic to be an open forum for any race to express the type of stereotypes you’ve experienced & endured as we walk through the means streets of society. Whether you’re black, white, hispanic, asian, indian and etc. I’m sure people are tired of white being associated with racism, black being associated with unattractive, hispanic being associated with labor work, asian being associated with Chinese food or nails, and indian being associated with a cab driver or terrorist.

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