And this message this goes for both females and males. Because men do it too. I once had a man tell me his woman needs to have her own house and at least be in a managerial position before he gets himself involved with her, yet, he has an apartment and has been working for UPS for 10 years with no supervisory job title. How dare he? You should have heard him. He sounded so arrogant and condescending. I kindly reminded him where he is in his life because he obviously needs a wake-up call. How the hell can you demand for someone to have things that you don’t even have yourself? How would you feel if someone told you you’re not good enough for them? Because basically, that’s what we’re doing to each other, which is why it’s so hard for people to find successful relationships. A goal oriented, financially responsible, educated person sounds good enough for me. Who cares what kind of car he drives? What does that have to do with you? Who cares if she’s salary or hourly and makes $30,000? That’s none of your business. Okay so he graduated from a vocational school and not a college. He’s still certified in his career and HAVE a job. Being so self-absorbed will not get you where you want to be. Especially if you’re blind to your own “shortcomings” that you demand so much from others.

I had a friend once who used to always look for men in the most unstable way. When we went clubbing, she would “parking-lot pimp” by watching what kind of cars the men were coming out of. Then she wanted to sit by the bar for an hour just to see if a man will buy her drink. I used to tell her all the time that she’s conducting herself as if she’s a gold-digger (there’s really no softer way to put it) and she would say she’s just looking for “the best”. Oh so “the best” is defined by how much money you have, what kind of car you drive and if you’re buying a drink or not? I didn’t expect her to see where I was coming from because she was independent for only one year of her life due to coming from a family of success and then marrying an ex-NFL player. Our friendship was soon over after a few unfortunate events. I hate trying to educate someone who’s not willing to learn. If I’m telling you that your actions speak as a woman who will be perceived differently by people (especially men), you need to take heed to my words. If you’re always finding yourself trying to find or keep a man that’s lower than your expected standards, then you’re the one with the problem. Not him. If you’re always finding yourself with a man that exchanges money for emotions, then he perceives you as a gold-digger. He’s not trying to “buy your heart”. He’s going by what you presented to him. If you’re rocking revealing/skin tight clothing then a man is going to expect that you’re easy. And after all is said and done, you’re only going to pull something that will be very temporary.

I’m not asking to lower your standards, or to accept less than what you feel you deserve. But let’s be realistic here. Maybe I’m the only one stuck in this fantasy world where if it came down to the nitty gritty, I would choose emotions over money. Money doesn’t make a man. A degree doesn’t define a person’s character. Give people a chance for who they are and not what it may say on paper. You miss out on greater opportunities with that frame of mind.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

Wow. Can you say “caught up”? I’m so glad I was able to experience those feelings because if not, I wouldn’t be so clear in what I want in a man, a relationship and love. I have such a strong embrace on love now, I take no shorts. Which is where I want to be. I feel sorry for those women that accept less than what they deserve or downplay the actions of a man. Fronting as if that’s what they want or that “it’s okay”. No it’s never okay to be treated less than what you’re worth. It’s never okay to remain somewhere when you’re not 100% happy. Even if it’s just a “sex” thing. Why give someone a coupon on your self-respect? If you allow to receive 50% of what you want, you’re giving people the legal right to only give you 50% of themselves. The neverending story you tell others as if things are how you want them to be are just a front. And you’re are only kidding yourself with those fraudelent storytales. Or maybe you’re trying to convince yourself. No matter what the circumstances are, we as women deserve to be treated how we represent ourselves. Unless you want to find yourself in a dead end relationship wth no real commitment to love.

It’s time to reflect on where you are and if that person deserves to be there with you. Love isn’t confusing. Lying to yourself is.

Stop blaming everyone else for your current condition & take full responsibility for yourself. “My father was a deadbeat dad, that’s why I don’t take care of my kids.” “I was abused as a child so beating my kids is the only thing I know.” “Alcholism runs in my family.” People choose to be who they are. All of these poor excuses/justifications you’re making for your wrong doings is only making you appear more weak minded. You don’t choose your family because you’re born into them, however, you make the decisions in who you friends are because that’s the privilege we have. Correct? So why can’t you apply those same decision making aspects into the way you lead your life? Just because you were exposed to alcohol usage, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to become an alcoholic. Just because your father physically abused your mother, doesn’t mean you should ever fall prey to hit a woman. I don’t care what you’ve been through. We have been going through life long enough to learn not to make excuses for our faulty ways. How do you expect to grow if we’re unable to learn from our past? From what we’ve been exposed to? If I continue to blame everyone for where I’ve been, isn’t is just as fair for me to blame myself for where I go? We have a reason to be vulnerable or even angry about our history, but there’s no reason for us to remain where we are. There’s no reason to aimlessly try to follow the footsteps of someone’s erroneous behavior.

You’re the only person responsible for your happiness. One of our main goals in life is to not be dependent on someone else. To take strides within our own paths in a route that we’ve created, on our own, as the years have gone by. Why let someone’s conditions place a restriction in your path or on who you are? Yes I understand we’re influenced by at least one person in our lives, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to clone their behavior & follow in their negative footsteps. If my mother’s greatest attribute is always giving a helping hand, yet, her least appealing attribute is her addiction to drugs, which one you think is best to pick up? With that being said, spare me the drama and the tear sheds of whoever, whenever, why ever such & such made you act the way you do. All that tells me is that you’re more weak minded than I thought. Mature people with strong minds gives no excuses for their actions. They embrace their shortcomings and if it affects others, they will try their best to fix it. Stop giving the word “influence” so much power. Influence means “To affect the nature, development, or condition of.” Looks to me, it can work both ways. Positive & negative. Yet, you chose the negative (otherwise known as the meek) route. Too many times I’ve heard people blame their upbringing or experiences on why they treat others a certain way. It’s always because of their mom, dad, ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, what one of their friends said & etc. I mean, I’m getting so tired of these lame excuses. I really don’t care what you’ve been through to be honest. Granted, scars don’t heal but they are not meant to be the blue print of the rest of your experiences in life.

As long as you find someone else to blame for anything you are doing, you cannot be held accountable or responsible for your growth or the lack of it.

Sun Bear