What happens for most couples is…

For some mysterious reason in the process of “settling down”, we lose all or most of this excitement and powerful feelings of love and attraction we felt for one another. We settle into comfort and routine and those intense feelings get so watered down that we have trouble finding them. Most of the people who begin to question whether they want to be in the relationship they’re in or not (and the ones who are living with the question of whether to stay or go tell us that what happened for them is what happened for many couples. Somewhere along the line they lost the passion, spark and desire that they once had. It all sort of faded away and they ended up wondering “what just happened?” We’ve discovered that it doesn’t have to be this way. While you probably don’t want those exact feelings you had when you were first in love (we don’t), but what you may want is a more seasoned hybrid of it. In other words, you may want a little more spark than what you have now without all the drama and intensity that’s over the edge.

The good news is that you don’t have to get divorced or go find a new partner to find it. Here are 4 ways that we and other couples use to fall in love over and over again with each other¹:

1. Go on a no-criticism diet

If there’s one thing people tell us that kills love and passion, it’s constant criticism, even in your mind. Criticism is one of those habits that we learn from our early care-givers and others–and we keep on doing it sometimes in the guise of “helping” our loved one become a “better” person. Criticizing another person also might help us feel superior or better than someone else–for a moment at least–even though we may not be aware that that’s why we’re doing it. The only thing criticism actually does is let that other person know that you don’t think they’re okay the way they are. And that pushes the two of you away from one another and certainly kills passion. If you can recognize that criticism is an unhealthy pattern in your relationship, put an end to it. If one person is doing it, both of you are probably guilty of it. So start with you and pay attention to where you are automatically thinking or saying that your partner is wrong. And then stop–and suggest that maybe the two of you could take the no-criticism challenge together. Substitute something you like about him or her in place of the criticism you have.

For example…

Your thought–”Why doesn’t he/she ever close the cabinet door?”

Your substitution–”I like the way he/she sat next to me on the couch last night when we were watching one of my favorite shows on TV.”

Of course there are times when you do need to talk about things that are bothering you and give healthy feedback. We’re not saying that that never happens. What we’re saying is to monitor your thoughts and what you say for even one day to see where you are focusing on what you don’t want rather than what you do want.

2. Get curious about your partner.

In order to fall in love again, you have to look with new eyes at your partner and at your relationship. This might take some doing if you’ve been hurt in the past but if both of you want to recapture what you had, you’ll need to wipe out your preconceived ideas about him or her. We all change in every moment and we might think we know what our partner’s thinking and feeling but we really don’t. Instead of making up stories about what we think is going on with our partner, be open to listening from a very different perspective. It’s a perspective that says we really don’t know what our partner is thinking or feeling and that we’re open to finding out–without getting defensive. One of the “magic words” that we use a lot to open both of us to listening more deeply and lovingly to each other is this phrase:

“Tell me more about that.”

Instead of jumping in and taking over the conversation with something that was our experience, when we use this phrase, we’re saying to the other person that “You are important and I want to know more about what you’re thinking and feeling.”

3. Fall in love with yourself.

The old adage is true–you can’t love another until you love yourself. If you’re constantly thinking you’re not worth loving, then these thoughts put up walls between you and others. We’re just not open to fully loving others when we’re overly self-critical. So instead of thinking that it’s a lost cause because you have so many faults and shortcomings (we all feel a little of this). Start finding ways to love yourself. Remember what we said about going on a no-criticism diet? Well that goes for criticizing yourself too. Most of us feel like we are our own worst critic. While it’s certainly healthy to see what you may be doing that hurts another person or yourself and then make changes that would make your life better. It’s not healthy to have a string of constant criticism that says “You’re stupid,” “You’ll never succeed,” “You can do anything right,” or whatever it is that you tell yourself. Start monitoring your mind to find out what you say to yourself about you. If you’re constantly putting yourself down, tell yourself something that is true about yourself and will take you in the direction you want to go. Do something nice for yourself every day–something pleasurable–and really bask in the pleasure of it. That’s loving yourself. And it’s true. When you can love yourself more, you open the door for others to love you more.

4. Open yourself to finding a common passion together and do things that take you beyond what may be comfortable for you.

We can get in a rut and when we do, all passion withers and dies–whether it’s in the bedroom, our work or in other areas of our lives. If you want more passion, you have to prime the pump. You have to find some new ways to connect–possibly the way you used to when you were first together. It might also be some new ways that possibly could stretch your comfort level. The other day the two of us explored a new area of the bike path that’s near our house. Now we love to bike together so that wasn’t new but that day we rode further than we had before–spending the afternoon enjoying each other and the day. The ride turned out to be really fun for the two of us but we may not have done it if we had planned to ride for 14 miles that day. It was a little out of our comfort level and a little different from our regular rides. The point is to find some things that you like to do together and be open to some surprises. You can fall in love again. It may not happen overnight but it can happen. We’ve seen it happen.

But it won’t unless you take that first step toward it.

Source: ¹

The best ways to compromise, clear the air, and fight fair¹:
1. Pick your battles. You do not have to address every injustice or irritation that comes along. But it is a mistake to stay silent when an issue matters and the cost of silence is feeling bitter, resentful, or disconnected.
2. Understand the stakes. Even if you think that you know the other person’s issues, it can’t hurt to pose a direct question. Ask “What’s your real concern here?” Often, you’re not really voicing it.
3. Wait until you’re calm. When emotions run high, disagreements can turn personal, and that’s rarely productive. Recognize when emotions are charged, and don’t have the conversation until you have a cool head.
4. Be respectful. If someone thinks you’re listening thoughtfully, she is more likely to respond in kind. An empathetic phrase, such as “I understand how you feel,” can go a long way.
5. Speak for yourself. Rather than criticizing the other person, stick to expressing your own feelings and actions (“I felt hurt when…” or “I’m concerned because…”). It’s honest and authentic when you say how you truly view a situation.
6. Don’t interrogate. Try not to go on a lawyer-like attack with a litany of yes-or-no questions. This tack is aggressive, puts the other person on the defensive, and can belittle them.
7. State the facts. If you have them, use them. Facts give opinions and feelings a lot more credibility. It also helps that “they aren’t personal or emotional,” so they can help make your disagreement constructive. Just make sure you really do have the facts. At the very least, you should be able to name your source.
8. Speak to common interests. Keep the common goal and good in mind. Remember: If an argument turns nasty, nobody wins. Tell the person how much she means to you and how much you value her opinion.
9. Aim to clear the air rather than win. In many instances, the disagreement will end in détente. Don’t try to win the argument; it’s more important to focus on understanding why the other person thinks differently than you do.
10. Consider compromise. It doesn’t get you exactly what you want, but it can be an effective way for people to overcome a disagreement and move forward. Remember: A compromise doesn’t have to be equal to be acceptable. However, it is important for you to understand what you’re both giving up and to be comfortable with that equation. You don’t have to feel happy about a compromise, but you have to feel you can live with it.

Source: ¹

When it comes to relationships, I believe that honesty is always the best policy. Not merely remaining faithful. Not in the sense of being able to say that you never really lie to your partner. I’m talking about Radical Honesty; actually coming out and naming the elephants in the room so you can deal with them before they trample all over your relationship.

Radical Honesty requires that you speak your truth even when you feel sure that the other person won’t want to hear it. Radical Honesty means that you have to say how you really feel, especially when you believe that you could either avoid x or conversely make y happen by hiding these feelings from them. It is a commitment to authenticity that requires being true to yourself as much as being loyal to another.

How long can you pretend to be someone else?

If you lack an intrinsic sense of self-worth you may be tempted to censor yourself; to try to express yourself in terms of what would be acceptable or desirable to someone else. In the short-term, you may even be successful in your goals. But, realistically speaking, just how long can you pretend to be someone else? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t believe could love you as you really are?

Whilst the idea of being “strategic” is a popular one when it comes to dating, it doesn’t feel so warm and fuzzy to think that one partner actively manipulated the other into committing to the relationship. Is that really a good way to build a foundation for a trusting relationship?

1. Don’t let resentment build, deal with issues one at a time and as soon as they arise.
2. Stop trying to control or manipulate your partner’s feelings or actions.
3. Share your hopes, dreams and wishes.
4. Share your fears.
5. Be honest with yourself.
6. Share your vulnerability instead of your anger.
7. Express your disappointment gently.
8. Check that you both have signed the same contract (Explain what you think the unwritten rules are).
9. Admit when you don’t know what to do.
10. Admit it when you think you may have made a mistake.

¹ - Source.

I heard on the radio this week that one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in 2010 was because of Facebook. FACEBOOK? How is that possible? I can understand catching your man cheating on you because his mistress posted a picture of them making out in the club and she “tagged” him in it. But how can the internet really destroy a relationship? Unless that relationship was already in shambles? Let’s be honest: Most people are getting married for the wrong reasons. A lot of others are settling for relationships, just to say that they’re in one. So let’s not blame things like Twitter or Facebook for the demise of your relationship. It’s obvious that there are bigger things to overcome than your significant other’s online activity.

My boyfriend is very aware of my online activity. We follow each other on Twitter, we claim each other on Facebook with our “In A Relationship With” status and he enjoys reading my blogs. Keyword: awareness. We don’t have anything to hide from one another. And with me being the more popular one on the internet, this doesn’t bother him at all. I’m very discreet about my immediate life. I don’t post on Twitter when we’re arguing, I don’t change my relationship status to “Single” whenever he pisses me off, he doesn’t flirt with women (matter fact, he doesn’t chat online at all) and we respect each others privacy. Plain and simple.

I think if couples are more honest & understanding with each other, then things like Twitter & Facebook would not tarnish the relationship. Keep your relationship issues private by respecting each other’s privacy (because your 5,000 followers do not need to know you guys have been fighting for the past 2 days) and maintain a strong trust level.

The public logic of Halle’s love life usually follows as so:

1. But she’s so pretty! Why can’t she keep a man? — Talk about a backhanded compliment: yes you are pretty, and that is “all that matters”. A woman’s worth is wrapped up in what she can see in the mirror, and because she is attractive, there’s no reason why some man shouldn’t have clubbed her and dragged her back to his cave eons ago. It’s oversimplification; relationships aren’t compatibility and chemistry, they are just looks and attraction. In truth, being attractive may provide more opportunity, but it does not secure the relationship. Focusing on her looks belittles any sort of character or personality she may have, because most importantly, she is pretty!

2. Something must be wrong with her. — Well obviously if she is attractive and pretty, and can’t “keep” a man, there must be something wrong with her. An attractive man can play the field until he’s gray in the hair — it’s call being the preternatural bachelor. A woman who’s attractive and hops from man to man, it’s called “having issues” or worse, “whore.” These types of logical fallacies once again overlook the complicated and complex elements of creating a lasting relationship.

3. She has Daddy issues. — Because what Black woman doesn’t? — (sarcasm). Naturally that’s always the conclusion to be drawn from a woman who has trouble dating. But if a man has dating issues, do we ever say he has Mommy issues? Of course not.

To say that Halle’s got some underlying issue pulling her into unsuccessful relationships implicates that it’s all her fault — well Halle, if you did a better job at picking men, maybe you wouldn’t be caught up in drama, again.

And that just feels unfair. Fact is, few people deliberately and consciously go headlong into a relationship with the knowledge that it will be a detriment to their life. I’m sure when Anna Mae Bullock met Ike Turner, she thought he was a nice man. Eventually she learned that he wasn’t so much, but do we chastise her for heading down that path in the first place? Few people have psychic ability as a character strength.

This isn’t to say that all is well in her world, Halle may have some real and deep-seated issues. For sure there is an unfortunate pattern in her public love life. But by squarely placing the blame on poor decision making not only oversimplifies relationships, it also very conveniently removes any responsibility of her partner. In reality (and probably even more so in Hollywood) ugly break ups are quite common. The “amicable” break up is a much more rare occurrence, and that deserves more news coverage than two people who broke up and — shocker — now no longer get along. Unfortunately for Halle, her average ugly breakup is hot tabloid fodder, giving her issues a more sensational element (and audience) than your average girl from Ohio.

Love and relationships are a crap shoot, and Halle’s issues with Gabriel just affirms this. It feels unfair to draw conclusions about Halle’s personal life just because she’s having another rough spate, a bad break up just makes her human, not abnormal.

Source.

When you love somebody, you should follow your heart. Sometimes when you are with the person you love the most, you feel confused. You don’t know who you are or what you want but that is totally understandable. It is natural to let go of a part of yourself to be with that person but the important part is that you don’t lose your own identity in the process.

♥ Anonymous

Another quote that I love: “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” -St. Augustine

You have to be humble. Don’t demand for a person to have a college degree if you don’t have one yourself. You’re unemployed yet your mate has to make 6 figures a year? That’s not fair at all. There’s a difference between preferences and bullshit demands. Don’t demand what you can’t bring to the table as well. It’s also very rare that you’ll find the “perfect” person. If your list of the perfect person has 10 items on there, aim for 7 out of the 10. It’s very rare that you get all 10. And even if you were to get all 10, there’s going to be an unlisted flaw that you will have to look over. Everyone has flaws. You have flaws. Maybe if you look over the small things, you’ll see the bigger picture. Then you will be able to accept a person for who they are, and not for what they have.

Unrealistic expectations. What makes the search for companionship a headache is expecting way too much from someone. Quit expecting the best out of someone if you’re not at your best. Especially in relationships. Men complain about not being able to find the right woman, yet the first thing they look for in a woman is her ass or tits. Then you got our women, trying to find Mr. Right by checking out what type of car he drives or his bank account. You are going backwards and destroying it for the deep soul seekers out there. You’re always looking for the perfect relationship, but you end up looking for the wrong qualities to fulfill one. The goal is to find that perfect someone who will make our lives a better place to be. Not a better place to “look at”. Superficial things are only good for admiring. And not for nothing, big tits, big ass, big dick, big elbows, big eyebrows, big money, big ears will run it’s course and will not matter when it comes down to upstanding a healthy relationship, being a great parent, or even merely keeping someone interested in you. It’s unfortunate that we don’t realize “perfection” runs two ways. In order to find that perfect somebody, we must believe that, whatever “perfect” is, we have already achieved it. No one can give us what we don’t already have. Mr. or Mrs. Right can’t be to us what we’re not. If we’re unhappy, unfilled, not pleased about who we are (ie: low self-esteem, insecurities & etc.) we owe it to ourselves to stop looking.

He is everything that I’ve ever wanted in a man. And more. The funny thing is, sometimes I don’t know what to do with that “more” because it’s surreal. I never had someone who treated me like a queen. Many posers have tried, but now I truly know what it’s like. He comforts me. He listens to me. He understands me. He takes care of me when I’m not okay and he embraces me when I am okay. He cooks for me. We nurture each other. We have fun. The simple things: We laugh, we watch movies, we talk shit, we tickle each other. We know how to argue, without fighting. We have healthy debates. We understand each other. He understands me. He knows what I need and he provides it on a daily basis. He adores my daughter. And she adores him. We’ve made plans for our future. We’re building a new life, together. I feel safe. I am secure. He protects me. He protects us. Waking up to his side every morning is the ultimate satisfaction. He belongs inside of me. I’ve never questioned his love nor intentions for me and I believe in him. I know that he will never intentionally hurt me. We appreciate each other. Loving him is not a task. He loves me. With every bit of strength that he has. He shows me that love everyday. And I reciprocate that love, unconditionally.

I can’t wait until he becomes my king. Permanently.