When it comes to relationships, I believe that honesty is always the best policy. Not merely remaining faithful. Not in the sense of being able to say that you never really lie to your partner. I’m talking about Radical Honesty; actually coming out and naming the elephants in the room so you can deal with them before they trample all over your relationship.

Radical Honesty requires that you speak your truth even when you feel sure that the other person won’t want to hear it. Radical Honesty means that you have to say how you really feel, especially when you believe that you could either avoid x or conversely make y happen by hiding these feelings from them. It is a commitment to authenticity that requires being true to yourself as much as being loyal to another.

How long can you pretend to be someone else?

If you lack an intrinsic sense of self-worth you may be tempted to censor yourself; to try to express yourself in terms of what would be acceptable or desirable to someone else. In the short-term, you may even be successful in your goals. But, realistically speaking, just how long can you pretend to be someone else? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t believe could love you as you really are?

Whilst the idea of being “strategic” is a popular one when it comes to dating, it doesn’t feel so warm and fuzzy to think that one partner actively manipulated the other into committing to the relationship. Is that really a good way to build a foundation for a trusting relationship?

1. Don’t let resentment build, deal with issues one at a time and as soon as they arise.
2. Stop trying to control or manipulate your partner’s feelings or actions.
3. Share your hopes, dreams and wishes.
4. Share your fears.
5. Be honest with yourself.
6. Share your vulnerability instead of your anger.
7. Express your disappointment gently.
8. Check that you both have signed the same contract (Explain what you think the unwritten rules are).
9. Admit when you don’t know what to do.
10. Admit it when you think you may have made a mistake.

¹ - Source.

I heard on the radio this week that one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in 2010 was because of Facebook. FACEBOOK? How is that possible? I can understand catching your man cheating on you because his mistress posted a picture of them making out in the club and she “tagged” him in it. But how can the internet really destroy a relationship? Unless that relationship was already in shambles? Let’s be honest: Most people are getting married for the wrong reasons. A lot of others are settling for relationships, just to say that they’re in one. So let’s not blame things like Twitter or Facebook for the demise of your relationship. It’s obvious that there are bigger things to overcome than your significant other’s online activity.

My boyfriend is very aware of my online activity. We follow each other on Twitter, we claim each other on Facebook with our “In A Relationship With” status and he enjoys reading my blogs. Keyword: awareness. We don’t have anything to hide from one another. And with me being the more popular one on the internet, this doesn’t bother him at all. I’m very discreet about my immediate life. I don’t post on Twitter when we’re arguing, I don’t change my relationship status to “Single” whenever he pisses me off, he doesn’t flirt with women (matter fact, he doesn’t chat online at all) and we respect each others privacy. Plain and simple.

I think if couples are more honest & understanding with each other, then things like Twitter & Facebook would not tarnish the relationship. Keep your relationship issues private by respecting each other’s privacy (because your 5,000 followers do not need to know you guys have been fighting for the past 2 days) and maintain a strong trust level.

The public logic of Halle’s love life usually follows as so:

1. But she’s so pretty! Why can’t she keep a man? — Talk about a backhanded compliment: yes you are pretty, and that is “all that matters”. A woman’s worth is wrapped up in what she can see in the mirror, and because she is attractive, there’s no reason why some man shouldn’t have clubbed her and dragged her back to his cave eons ago. It’s oversimplification; relationships aren’t compatibility and chemistry, they are just looks and attraction. In truth, being attractive may provide more opportunity, but it does not secure the relationship. Focusing on her looks belittles any sort of character or personality she may have, because most importantly, she is pretty!

2. Something must be wrong with her. — Well obviously if she is attractive and pretty, and can’t “keep” a man, there must be something wrong with her. An attractive man can play the field until he’s gray in the hair — it’s call being the preternatural bachelor. A woman who’s attractive and hops from man to man, it’s called “having issues” or worse, “whore.” These types of logical fallacies once again overlook the complicated and complex elements of creating a lasting relationship.

3. She has Daddy issues. — Because what Black woman doesn’t? — (sarcasm). Naturally that’s always the conclusion to be drawn from a woman who has trouble dating. But if a man has dating issues, do we ever say he has Mommy issues? Of course not.

To say that Halle’s got some underlying issue pulling her into unsuccessful relationships implicates that it’s all her fault — well Halle, if you did a better job at picking men, maybe you wouldn’t be caught up in drama, again.

And that just feels unfair. Fact is, few people deliberately and consciously go headlong into a relationship with the knowledge that it will be a detriment to their life. I’m sure when Anna Mae Bullock met Ike Turner, she thought he was a nice man. Eventually she learned that he wasn’t so much, but do we chastise her for heading down that path in the first place? Few people have psychic ability as a character strength.

This isn’t to say that all is well in her world, Halle may have some real and deep-seated issues. For sure there is an unfortunate pattern in her public love life. But by squarely placing the blame on poor decision making not only oversimplifies relationships, it also very conveniently removes any responsibility of her partner. In reality (and probably even more so in Hollywood) ugly break ups are quite common. The “amicable” break up is a much more rare occurrence, and that deserves more news coverage than two people who broke up and — shocker — now no longer get along. Unfortunately for Halle, her average ugly breakup is hot tabloid fodder, giving her issues a more sensational element (and audience) than your average girl from Ohio.

Love and relationships are a crap shoot, and Halle’s issues with Gabriel just affirms this. It feels unfair to draw conclusions about Halle’s personal life just because she’s having another rough spate, a bad break up just makes her human, not abnormal.

Source.

When you love somebody, you should follow your heart. Sometimes when you are with the person you love the most, you feel confused. You don’t know who you are or what you want but that is totally understandable. It is natural to let go of a part of yourself to be with that person but the important part is that you don’t lose your own identity in the process.

♥ Anonymous

Another quote that I love: “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” -St. Augustine

You have to be humble. Don’t demand for a person to have a college degree if you don’t have one yourself. You’re unemployed yet your mate has to make 6 figures a year? That’s not fair at all. There’s a difference between preferences and bullshit demands. Don’t demand what you can’t bring to the table as well. It’s also very rare that you’ll find the “perfect” person. If your list of the perfect person has 10 items on there, aim for 7 out of the 10. It’s very rare that you get all 10. And even if you were to get all 10, there’s going to be an unlisted flaw that you will have to look over. Everyone has flaws. You have flaws. Maybe if you look over the small things, you’ll see the bigger picture. Then you will be able to accept a person for who they are, and not for what they have.

Unrealistic expectations. What makes the search for companionship a headache is expecting way too much from someone. Quit expecting the best out of someone if you’re not at your best. Especially in relationships. Men complain about not being able to find the right woman, yet the first thing they look for in a woman is her ass or tits. Then you got our women, trying to find Mr. Right by checking out what type of car he drives or his bank account. You are going backwards and destroying it for the deep soul seekers out there. You’re always looking for the perfect relationship, but you end up looking for the wrong qualities to fulfill one. The goal is to find that perfect someone who will make our lives a better place to be. Not a better place to “look at”. Superficial things are only good for admiring. And not for nothing, big tits, big ass, big dick, big elbows, big eyebrows, big money, big ears will run it’s course and will not matter when it comes down to upstanding a healthy relationship, being a great parent, or even merely keeping someone interested in you. It’s unfortunate that we don’t realize “perfection” runs two ways. In order to find that perfect somebody, we must believe that, whatever “perfect” is, we have already achieved it. No one can give us what we don’t already have. Mr. or Mrs. Right can’t be to us what we’re not. If we’re unhappy, unfilled, not pleased about who we are (ie: low self-esteem, insecurities & etc.) we owe it to ourselves to stop looking.

He is everything that I’ve ever wanted in a man. And more. The funny thing is, sometimes I don’t know what to do with that “more” because it’s surreal. I never had someone who treated me like a queen. Many posers have tried, but now I truly know what it’s like. He comforts me. He listens to me. He understands me. He takes care of me when I’m not okay and he embraces me when I am okay. He cooks for me. We nurture each other. We have fun. The simple things: We laugh, we watch movies, we talk shit, we tickle each other. We know how to argue, without fighting. We have healthy debates. We understand each other. He understands me. He knows what I need and he provides it on a daily basis. He adores my daughter. And she adores him. We’ve made plans for our future. We’re building a new life, together. I feel safe. I am secure. He protects me. He protects us. Waking up to his side every morning is the ultimate satisfaction. He belongs inside of me. I’ve never questioned his love nor intentions for me and I believe in him. I know that he will never intentionally hurt me. We appreciate each other. Loving him is not a task. He loves me. With every bit of strength that he has. He shows me that love everyday. And I reciprocate that love, unconditionally.

I can’t wait until he becomes my king. Permanently.

We should never let someone tell us that we aren’t good enough, or that we have to change. When you love, you love hard. Unconditionally, without judgment. I put all of my energy in the people I love, and because of that, I won’t let anyone say I have to change.  I’m still open minded and I always look at things both ways, so if I was wrong, I’m the kind of person who admits it and tries to correct my mistakes. People can still take advantage out of you and “steal” all your loving energy though. You ever moved on from someone & felt drained? That is exactly what they have done. They sucked up all of your greatness & used it for themselves. That is something we need to learn: Do not give your love to just anyone. Only to the persons who are willing to give that love back. If you really think about, it shouldn’t be hard at all to love someone. Loving someone isn’t a task. Loving someone isn’t about changing for them. It’s about changing for the better. Love isn’t about holding yourself back. Loving someone is about growth. It’s about starting a new life with that person. For a future that you’ve always dream about.

For years I’ve heard that you shouldn’t LOOK for love. It’ll come to you. I’ve heard so many stories from my married friends that when they first fell in love, they weren’t looking for it. It just happened. I’ve never believed that because I’m a go-getter & what go-getters do, is go for what they want. Not sit around & wait for it. Well, I believe it now. As soon as I stopped looking, love found me. Someone has learned to love me for me. Not for who I was. Not for who he thinks I should be. And not for all the superficial reasons that we use to mask our intentions. He witnessed and reviewed all of my flaws and has embraced them. He took my life history as “my story” and not as my “endured pain”. When I look into his eyes, I see myself. When I think about our chemistry, I see danger. Our beings, together bring out a force so powerful, that just thinking about his touch gives me goose bumps. It’s that serious. If I thought I knew love before, I was wrong. These feelings that I feel now, are beyond explainable. There are no words for how this man makes me feel. He entered my life right at the most positive turning point I have ever made with my emotions and myself. When I put myself out there, he was actually drawn to my inner exposure and not towards the skin that you can see with your bare eyes. Did I love him from day one? Who knows. But from the moment that he became significant in my life, I knew that there was not one day I wanted to live without this man.

Difficulties? If you really think about, it shouldn’t be hard at all to love someone. Loving someone isn’t a task. Loving someone isn’t about changing for them. It’s about changing for the better. Love isn’t about holding yourself back. Loving someone is about growth. It’s about starting a new life with that person. For a future that you’ve always dreamt about. Just because a person doesn’t seem good now, they will be good later. It takes love to bring out the best in an individual.

My message to him: If you knew how I truly feel about you, would you run away, scared of the possible outcomes? Or would you embrace my emotions and share those that you feel for me too? Are we both able and capable to take that path towards invincible love? There are moments where I’m scared & then there are those magical times where I am positive that yours supersedes mine. As I stand in front of you, naked, baring my soul…are you channeling your eyes through my emotions or are you just staring in vain? Yes I know I’m fully clothed, but little do you know, I am still in the nude. While you admire my outer confidence, I’m at total bliss about my nervousness that comes from within. That feeling doesn’t come around too often. And when it does, I usually hide it. Guard it. Afraid that you will be the one to grab it and destroy every meaning it holds. But what if I don’t say anything, keep everything built up, and I miss my chance? An opportunity to finally keep my true love. My soul mate. Yes, I can finally admit that. You are my soul mate. I’m an avid believer in the saying “A closed mouth don’t get fed” but what if being humble is the best way to go? I don’t want to chase you away with these confessions but then again, I want you to be fully aware of what I am feeling inside. I’m just a little bit scared to allow you see through these walls.