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do you hate love?

Thu 1.8.15in lifeComments Off

Love and commitment takes work. A lot of work. And I hate working.

Would it be awful of me to say that I’m glad I am not in a relationship because of the work and the stress (and the good stuff) that will come with it? I guess I’m not ready for one, but at the same time, I don’t want one either. I’m happy being single. In fact, I’ve been celibate for 10 months, so I can see myself being single for a real long time until I find the right man for me. And when I do, I’m sure I’ll be more ready and more willing to put in the effort. However, right now, I’m content at where I’m at in life. Then again, I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so yeah.

And don’t try to shade me. I’m not an “angry bitter black woman trying to front like she don’t need a man”. I would LOVE to have a juicy man in my arms right now. But at the same time, there are things I am still working on with ME that needs some fixing before I can open my life to another man.

Love have mysterious ways to overpower your emotions. It’ll make you adore someone to the fullest and then hate them within a heartbeat. Especially at the end of a relationship, which can also be the beginning of a new, improved you. After a break-up, you ever realize how much energy that relationship sucked out of you? It literally feels as if they sucked the life out of you. After they’re gone, it almost feels as if your blood is rejuvenating it’s circulation. And of course (not immediately after they leave) it took a while to recover from the devastation of being forced to start over. But when you do, you realize there were sides of yourself dying to be expressed. That’s exactly how I felt when my heart was broken. Boy was he the love of my life then. Nevertheless after we broke up, slowly and surely, my life became so different. Same goes for any relationship you’re in (friendship, dating, etc). As soon as you disassociated yourself from someone, you feel 5 more pounds lifted off your back. Ever notice you don’t get much shit done when you have your head up in the clouds, eyes wide shut? Not even focusing on reality. Now that’s when I feel being involved with someone will effect your life in a negative way. I’ve seen women call out from work for days over a broken heart. I can’t lie, I failed a couple of classes back in college because of a broken heart. I couldn’t focus on my studies AT ALL. That’s when I knew I needed to wake up and smell the roses. One of the best motivations I gave myself was reminding myself that he’s most likely out there not giving a rats ass about me. All those tears I’ve shed whilst he’s celebrating his renewed single life? Come on people, we got to do better. I did better. That was 14 years ago (OMG, 14 years ago?!). And when I came across one of my old photo albums the other day, and seen one of our pictures in there, I chuckled to myself. Back then I just knew I couldn’t be without him but now I’m wondering what did I ever see in him?

Take heed to these words if you ever find yourself feeling stuck. Life & relationships are not about being frozen in place. It’s about growth, commitments and love. Sometimes you may just have to fight for love because the other party is simply scared of it. And if you’re the person who’s scared of love, scared of fighting to make things work, scared to make the slightest effort to earn that companionship, you need to do some thorough soul searching. No one is meant to be alone. Life is so much better to aim for your desires than not trying at all. I personally prefer to try, and maybe get rejected, than to not knowing at all if it would have worked.

I know, I know…easier said than done. But remember….the hardest advice to follow is your own.

single, celibacy, and cobwebs.

Mon 9.29.14in companionship, lifeComments Off

I’m one of those people that believe you’re not supposed to die alone. Not supposed to die without companionship. Without love. I used to fake empower myself and make it seem like it’s sooooo wonderful to be single and to be able to have sex with anyone I want. No. Being single is fun sometimes, but not all of the time. I don’t ever believe people when they say “I love being single” “I’m fine with never getting married” “My pillow is better than a mate” In what world? My opinion: I think people that say these things are just putting up a guard. They don’t want to appear sad, lonely, rejected or desperate.

I have done a lot of soul searching lately and I have come to a conclusion. I am waiting until I am in a committed relationship before I decide to have sex again. I’ve done this a couple of years ago and it worked very well for me. I’ve been doing it for 6 months thus far. I’m waiting for someone who I believe I can continue to grow with. It makes the act more valuable and you cherish your body for someone that truly loves and respects you, possibly someone you’ll spend your life with. The truth is, men are more prone to have sex with more than one partner whereas a woman would have a lot of sex with one partner. It’s psychologically proven. At the same time, we as women need to be more responsible and careful in not allowing that to happen. I know we all have slipped up a few times, however, there are ways to ensure that doesn’t happen again. How? Raise your standards, raise your relationship goals and don’t be afraid to say “no”. If they cannot understand that or sustain sanity, then that means you don’t need them.

I guess you can say I’m celibate now, however, I do not want to wait until marriage. I want to ensure that my next partner is with someone I truly love. To be seen for lifelong aspects. I want to be as pure as I am able to be for when that event happens. I want my body to react the same way it did when I was first fell in love. That feeling is so hard to capture if you’re not looking in the right places. I wanted to be touched in a place in my heart & soul. When I look into his eyes, I will know that he is the one. Even before “love” and sex presents itself. Which is exactly what I’m looking for. When that day finds me, that means I’ve completely allowed myself to accept the reality that my soul mate exists and that someone will appreciate everything that I have to offer. Without being scared. Without feeling tied down. Without the excuses of why it’s hard to commit to one person. I want to be simply adored, embraced, appreciated & loved for the woman I am. Not for the woman who knows how to make you feel good. A period of celibacy teaches a women a lot about herself mentally, emotionally, intellectually. That is not to say that one shouldn’t self-pleasure. A great vibrator is a woman’s best friend.

My celibacy is not just pertaining to sex & intimacy though. I will be patient, pure & priceless before I allow anyone else into my life, my world, and my heart. I’ve already started the removal process of the wrong people in my life and blocking those that are trying to be. Before, my vision was crippled and disoriented because I was doing the wrong things, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. I was unstable. Now, I can truly make the right long-term decisions for my heart, instead of just living for today.

I am ready for love. Healthy love. I’m not afraid to say that. And I will never back down from that. I am patient & know how to take my time. I want companionship. Someone I can be vulnerable with. I want to walk around naked without worry. I want to feed off him. I want to be recognized as the Queen that I am. If you don’t express these things, and admit your desires, you’ll never get what you want. A close mouth don’t get fed. And if he doesn’t want to feed you, then why should you go hungry while he feast on everything you have on your plate?

my prayer to God.

Sun 9.14.14in spritualComments Off

Lord, I lift up every one of my relationships to You and ask You to bless them. I pray that each one would be glorifying to You. Help me to choose my friends wisely so I won’t be led astray. Give me discernment and strength to separate myself from anyone who is not a good influence. I release all my relationships to You and pray that Your will be done in each one of them.[spacer]

With my most difficult relationships, I ask that Your peace would reign in them. I know two can’t walk together unless they agree, so help find a place of agreement, unity, and like-mindedness. Where either of us needs to change, I pray that You would change us. Break down any ‘wall of separation’ (Ephesians 2:13-13) or misunderstanding.[spacer]

I pray for my relationship with each of my family members. I pray You would bring healing, reconciliation, and restoration where it is needed. Bless our relationship and make it strong.[spacer]

I pray for any relationships I have with people who don’t know You, Lord. Give me words to say that will turn their hearts toward You. Help me to be Your light to them. Soften their heart to open their eyes to receive You and follow You faithfully.[spacer]

I pray for godly friends, role models, and mentors to come into my life. Send people who will speak the truth in love. I pray especially that there will be people in my life who are trustworthy, kind, loving, and faithful. Most of all I pray that they be people of faith who will add to my life and I to theirs. May we mutually raise the standards to which we aspire. May forgiveness and love flow freely between us. Make me to be Your light in all my relationships.[spacer]

In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.

another reality check to deposit.

Sun 8.17.14in companionshipComments Off

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.[spacer]

[highlight]Once you feel you are avoided by someone, never disturb them again.[/highlight][spacer]

When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. Friendships/relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. Make time for someone that adores your personality, not someone that complains about it. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

These are signs that you are possibly chasing people that are wrong for you. It’s the guy who never answers your texts and only calls you Friday night at 2 am. It’s someone who doesn’t further your goals, who keeps you around for the drama and the intensity. It’s someone who uses you for company to assuage his or her loneliness. For many of us, we are still discovering ourselves and have yet to discover what kind of people we truly are. The problem really comes when we do start figuring out who we are and decide we really don’t want to listen to what’s really right for us, because many times, that means accepting ourselves. It means accepting your flaws and your tendencies and coming to terms with the kind of person who is actually going to make you a better person. Maybe you need someone who is quiet because you’re really loud. Maybe you need someone who isn’t going to take all the attention because you secretly like a lot of attention. Maybe you need a guy who isn’t going to dote on you and treat you like a princess because you’re already too spoiled. Accept your worst self and understand what you need to do to become a better person before you are actually able to open your life with someone who understands you (this goes for relationships and friendships!).

Learn from your mistakes and grow from them, even if that means giving up on the man with the Audi who never calls you back or the girl with the big butt who never even bothered learning your name.

how to lose her.

Thu 7.10.14in companionshipComments Off

This is how you lose her.¹

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.

You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

And, this is how you keep her.

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