Yes. I have ended my engagement. I’ve actually made this change 3 months ago (5/15/13), but if you know me very well, you know I am a very private person. I tackle my battles on my own because I am my own army. For those that were aware of my transition, I thank you so much for your support & guidance thus far. I’ve tried my best, and gave him my all (literally!) but it wasn’t good enough. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be. Like the saying goes: No matter how good of a woman you are, you’ll never be good enough to a man that isn’t “ready”.
Life may be rough and a lot of unfair events will occur, but don’t allow it to alter your motivation. So many people go through life believing they’re being cheated or the world owes them something. I’m not going to lie, I am very guilty of that because of how much of my heart I give to others. There’s one particular person I have in mind. I’ve supported _______ for years. I provided ________ with shelter, clothing, a career, a new loving family, and a warm loving heart. Unconditionally. But _______ kept drowning. And I kept rescuing. When I decided to cease the “rescuing”, that’s when things got worse. I felt alone, even though there was someone sleeping right next to me. As time went by I started to realize: You can not want more for people than they want for themselves.
God exposed what’s really in front of your eyes to make you realize: This is not what I want. I deserve better. I am going to get better.
To quote Trent Shelton:
“So, you gave them your heart. Thinking that they will be responsible for cherishing it. You gave them your trust, thinking they wouldn’t abuse it. You gave them all of you, thinking they would give you the same in return. But their love was selfish, while yours was giving. You accepted less because you thought little was better than nothing. You thought that they would actually grow to give you more. Not realizing that you were just setting the standard to how they could treat you. You were their steel, something so valuable, that they can treat so cheap. Something so special, that they can get so easy. You didn’t make them live up to the person you should have. So instead they made you settle for a person who was far below your worth.
You let love, that bridge that go from heart to heart, be built off of words, not actions. You knew love wasn’t supposed to hurt. But you accepted the pain. You knew love wasn’t what they were giving you. But you still took it. You knew love was honest…but you still believed the lies. You were trying to create the relationship you want, out of someone who wasn’t capable of giving it to you.
You gave them a title they didn’t deserve.
You gave them a heart they didn’t deserve.
You gave them a you they didn’t deserve.
You added to their life, while they just subtracted from yours.
The thought that they can change “one day”, took your heart.
You were trying to give oxygen, to a relationship that was already dead. You were trying to hold on to person that was trying to let go of you. All you started to see was what they could be, so that made you blind to who they really were.”
Back to me….
It’s funny how people approach me saying I look so much happier, and that I have a “glow” about me, under the impression that I must be happy with planning a wedding, or making love. That when they look back at older pictures of me, I don’t look happy. But as of late, I look extremely happy. Isn’t that weird, but amazing at the same time?
I’m definitely not sad. I’m not heartbroken. I’m not even angry. I am relieved. I am GRATEFUL. I have so much to be thankful for. Mainly, the fact that God spared my life when:
1) I got into that terrible car accident back in 2009 by allowing me to crawl out of my car, out of a 50ft deep ditch, with only a bruise on my neck from the seat belt.
2) I had a polyp removed in 2011.
3) I had my gallbladder removed in 2012 due to having an misdiagnosed gallbladder disease for 4 years.
4) I managed to control the risk of having thyroid disease and high blood pressure by having a new lifestyle with fitness. Now I have clean bill of health.
5) He gave me the strength to eliminate the one person that promised to love me forever, but only ended up making me lose myself.
In closing, here are some of the great things that are happening in my life: I finally got Tyasia into a better school, I’m currently enrolling back into college, I’ve built a stronger relationship with God, I’ve joined a support group at my church to volunteer & help other women with their struggles, I have inner peace, I have emotional independence, I’ve reconciled my relationships with my mother & grandmother, and mostly importantly: I found myself again. And I love the new me that I found!
Thank you again, and I love everyone who was riding along with me through my battles!