Invent


epiphany.

Life and relationships are about acceptance, growth, commitment, and love. Every now and then, I always get an epiphany about my life that make me want to make some changes. This time it’s changes in how I deal with people, changes in how I handle my stress and changes in how I conduct my social life. It’s funny how every time I think I’ve reached a point of “perfection” in my life, I find a few errors that need to be fixed. It also helps when you’re surrounded by honest people, that are able to tell you “Hey, that’s not the way do to things.” You’ll never grow out of that sort of guidance.

It takes a lot more character to tolerance someone’s flaws than to point them out. Those are the same people that will tediously tell others what they “need” to do or change. Somehow those are the ones that are drawn to me. Excuse me but, have you ever thought that maybe it’s you and your inability to handle the brutal honesty that come out of these lips? I’ve already found myself & contrary to popular belief, people love it. Do you really believe that I’m going to be bent out of shape because you’ve just proved to me that I’m too woman for you? No matter how much you’re unable to “deal with my shit”, that “shit” is what makes me me. I’m not making anymore excuses for myself and how I am. I’m not the type to sugarcoat shit just to cater to your sensitivity. I’m not the type to baby you when you’ve fucked up for the 56th time. I’m not the type to hold on to someone (or something) that doesn’t deserve to be kept. You’re either going to love me or leave me alone. So make sure you close the door on your way out…

I’ve become restless. I know what to do, but the option isn’t available to me. And I can’t place my finger on how to make it available. I do know that I need to rationalize my thoughts and stop taking things so seriously. It’s funny how I thought I mastered my emotions when it comes down to relationships and feelings. I wonder why negatives are always thrown my way right when I’m smooth sailing with positivity? I believe when it happens, it’s a test to see if I have truly grown. To see if I matured. Well yes, I have. Unfortunately, I’ve become more numb with my feelings than ever. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me. Which, makes me a bit less tolerable towards excuses/bullshit/contradictions. We are all humans I guess and we need to experience the good and the bad. We are bound to make mistakes while we trudge through them and then we learn from the ending results in every situation. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I feel whenever a negative encounter occurs, it’s just someone testing my current strength. Maybe to see if I am able to handle a greater blessing that’s somewhere along in my path. Well, I can easily tell you that my mentality is far beyond my physical years. I am completely satisfied with my life and who I am today.

Life is an on going battle between our hearts and minds. A lot of times we find our minds wanting and needing what our hearts don’t. Whether it’s a friendship, courtship, or relationship, it becomes difficult to make decisions. But before you can make decisions regarding yourself and others, you must first begin with yourself. If you aren’t living the way you should, it’s an inevitable drain if you bring someone else along. How can you find someone who completes your puzzle, if you have yet to identify all the pieces that you bring to the table? No one in this world has all the pieces to their own puzzle because it takes someone, the right someone, to complete them. You will know it’s the right someone, when both your heart and mind agree on it. I am so thankful for situations that bring about epiphanies and enlightened thinking.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

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untitled woman.

There was this woman who felt like her world was falling apart. Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz. She smacks her alarm clock. After a well-rested 10 hour sleep, she awakes, still feeling as if she’s exhausted. As she stretches she yearns to go right back to sleep for another 10 hours. She brushes her healthy teeth, grooms her long flowing hair & powders her nose. As she looks in the mirror she doesn’t see a beautiful woman. She sees an unattractive being. When she curves her body to slip into her most unique outfit, she feels as if people just see her as an ordinary dresser. As she struts into work and sits in her office, she wonders why she settled for $50,000 annually when she’s actually worth no less then 6 figures. Vampires. These are the people that take her talent for granted and tries to take advantage of her kindness. Always looking for a free ride or a “deal”. She chuckles at the audacity of these people who don’t respect her mentality & expect more than what they’re offering. Is it because of her race? Her gender? Her age? She sighs, and compromises anyways. Her executive team consist of 10 people, all of which are 10 – 15 years younger than her. And she’s their boss. The lack of respect is rising. Everyone calls her for help but when the tables are turned she doesn’t have a shoulder to lean on. Peers. They either love her or hate her. Few may ridicule her. Some may underestimate her knowledge. Most downplay her existence. Overall, they love to degrade her natural being and assume she’s everything but what she represents. When she survives through life’s toughest challenges, she still feels beaten. She feels like she failed. She neglected the things that are here, as she focused on what’s not. She eventually realizes certain actions & decisions in her life was stupid, but only when it’s too late to make a difference. Men. They come and go like flies in and out of her life. She didn’t believe she was good enough for a good man because the “good men” weren’t interested in her. The few that have took interest, ran away. Not enough struggle to get inside her mind & not just her body. Men are fascinated with her beauty. Unfortunately, many have given up on seeing what’s within. They feel as if she’s playing games. So, like clockwork, as the 3rd man walks out her door….she cries. And as she cries, she tries to remember that no one on earth is worth her tears. The one who is will never make her cry. It’s ironic, with all the wisdom, strength and intelligence she possesses, she still feels unavailing. At the end of the day as she lays in her bed, she feels alone. Her phone is ringing. Her answering machine is blinking. 17 messages. But no one of importance. A few girlfriends that enjoys talking shit about her behind her back and random men wanting to get inside of her physically before mentally. She sighs & closes her eyes…..

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz….. She smacks her alarm clock. Brand new day

Is this an overly emotional woman, a faded character of a storybook or is that somewhat a brief description of what most of us feel? Even if you’re a man and reading this, you’re still capable of feeling this way. Just reverse the roles. Point is, there was only one thing correct about her. The fact that she failed. What she failed to realize is that her body is 96% water. Like the ocean, she’s a mystery that curves with each breeze. Depending on it’s environment, it’ll either be cold, warm or hot. And just like an ocean, only a few will have the map to the treasure buried at the bottom. The deeper you’re willing to go within yourself, the more valuable your treasure will be. Never allow anyone or anything to limit your mind, creativity & charisma because of your race, color, gender or expression of beauty. There is only one power & one presence operating our lives and that’s the mind. It draws business prospects, friends and significant others. Nothing else is suppose to lure that sort of attraction. Our minds gives us all that we deserve based on our way of thinking, way of presenting ourself and way of exceeding the limits. No sweat. No fear. Don’t hold your breath because he left. Who you choose to be with reflects what you really feel about yourself. Loving, wanting or being with someone has nothing to do with their exterior decoration. Nor does it have to do with being “perfect”. No one’s perfect. And neither is a relationship. In order to find that perfect somebody, we must believe that whatever perfect is, we’ve already achieved it. No one can give us what we don’t already have. If your boss can’t recognize that you’re worth more then $15 an hour, demand a raise. Don’t settle for less. If your peers believe you’re a fake or a phony because you choose not to explain yourself to them about the things their envious about, keep it moving. Don’t answer to anyone but God. If he decides to get angry and leave because you weren’t ready to spread your legs for him, oh fucking well. Don’t give anyone a piece of your soul unless they earned it. Each of us brings to the world unique talents, gifts and abilities. Even if you don’t know what it is, or value what you do, someone, somewhere, will benefit from your presence. There’s no one like you. We are each as unique and valuable as the other. You have something valuable to invest towards your career, your peers and your significant other. Recognize that, go to sleep and wake up beginning a brand new life saying this next statement : I give nothing or anyone any power over me but the love I have for myself.

originally written : January 6, 2008

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