What happens for most couples is…

For some mysterious reason in the process of “settling down”, we lose all or most of this excitement and powerful feelings of love and attraction we felt for one another. We settle into comfort and routine and those intense feelings get so watered down that we have trouble finding them. Most of the people who begin to question whether they want to be in the relationship they’re in or not (and the ones who are living with the question of whether to stay or go tell us that what happened for them is what happened for many couples. Somewhere along the line they lost the passion, spark and desire that they once had. It all sort of faded away and they ended up wondering “what just happened?” We’ve discovered that it doesn’t have to be this way. While you probably don’t want those exact feelings you had when you were first in love (we don’t), but what you may want is a more seasoned hybrid of it. In other words, you may want a little more spark than what you have now without all the drama and intensity that’s over the edge.

The good news is that you don’t have to get divorced or go find a new partner to find it. Here are 4 ways that we and other couples use to fall in love over and over again with each other¹:

1. Go on a no-criticism diet

If there’s one thing people tell us that kills love and passion, it’s constant criticism, even in your mind. Criticism is one of those habits that we learn from our early care-givers and others–and we keep on doing it sometimes in the guise of “helping” our loved one become a “better” person. Criticizing another person also might help us feel superior or better than someone else–for a moment at least–even though we may not be aware that that’s why we’re doing it. The only thing criticism actually does is let that other person know that you don’t think they’re okay the way they are. And that pushes the two of you away from one another and certainly kills passion. If you can recognize that criticism is an unhealthy pattern in your relationship, put an end to it. If one person is doing it, both of you are probably guilty of it. So start with you and pay attention to where you are automatically thinking or saying that your partner is wrong. And then stop–and suggest that maybe the two of you could take the no-criticism challenge together. Substitute something you like about him or her in place of the criticism you have.

For example…

Your thought–”Why doesn’t he/she ever close the cabinet door?”

Your substitution–”I like the way he/she sat next to me on the couch last night when we were watching one of my favorite shows on TV.”

Of course there are times when you do need to talk about things that are bothering you and give healthy feedback. We’re not saying that that never happens. What we’re saying is to monitor your thoughts and what you say for even one day to see where you are focusing on what you don’t want rather than what you do want.

2. Get curious about your partner.

In order to fall in love again, you have to look with new eyes at your partner and at your relationship. This might take some doing if you’ve been hurt in the past but if both of you want to recapture what you had, you’ll need to wipe out your preconceived ideas about him or her. We all change in every moment and we might think we know what our partner’s thinking and feeling but we really don’t. Instead of making up stories about what we think is going on with our partner, be open to listening from a very different perspective. It’s a perspective that says we really don’t know what our partner is thinking or feeling and that we’re open to finding out–without getting defensive. One of the “magic words” that we use a lot to open both of us to listening more deeply and lovingly to each other is this phrase:

“Tell me more about that.”

Instead of jumping in and taking over the conversation with something that was our experience, when we use this phrase, we’re saying to the other person that “You are important and I want to know more about what you’re thinking and feeling.”

3. Fall in love with yourself.

The old adage is true–you can’t love another until you love yourself. If you’re constantly thinking you’re not worth loving, then these thoughts put up walls between you and others. We’re just not open to fully loving others when we’re overly self-critical. So instead of thinking that it’s a lost cause because you have so many faults and shortcomings (we all feel a little of this). Start finding ways to love yourself. Remember what we said about going on a no-criticism diet? Well that goes for criticizing yourself too. Most of us feel like we are our own worst critic. While it’s certainly healthy to see what you may be doing that hurts another person or yourself and then make changes that would make your life better. It’s not healthy to have a string of constant criticism that says “You’re stupid,” “You’ll never succeed,” “You can do anything right,” or whatever it is that you tell yourself. Start monitoring your mind to find out what you say to yourself about you. If you’re constantly putting yourself down, tell yourself something that is true about yourself and will take you in the direction you want to go. Do something nice for yourself every day–something pleasurable–and really bask in the pleasure of it. That’s loving yourself. And it’s true. When you can love yourself more, you open the door for others to love you more.

4. Open yourself to finding a common passion together and do things that take you beyond what may be comfortable for you.

We can get in a rut and when we do, all passion withers and dies–whether it’s in the bedroom, our work or in other areas of our lives. If you want more passion, you have to prime the pump. You have to find some new ways to connect–possibly the way you used to when you were first together. It might also be some new ways that possibly could stretch your comfort level. The other day the two of us explored a new area of the bike path that’s near our house. Now we love to bike together so that wasn’t new but that day we rode further than we had before–spending the afternoon enjoying each other and the day. The ride turned out to be really fun for the two of us but we may not have done it if we had planned to ride for 14 miles that day. It was a little out of our comfort level and a little different from our regular rides. The point is to find some things that you like to do together and be open to some surprises. You can fall in love again. It may not happen overnight but it can happen. We’ve seen it happen.

But it won’t unless you take that first step toward it.

Source: ¹

“Happy people are usually happy for other people.” – Cynthia Bailey, RHOA - Twitter

And of course, people have negative things to say about it. “Why did he make a song about her so soon and exploited her first cry to the world?” Wait. No one had a problem with Prince using the ultrasound of his baby’s heartbeat (which later died) for his song “Sex In The Summer”. No one had a problem with Stevie Wonder using his daughter Aisha’s cry when he did the song “Isn’t She Lovely”. But it’s considered “blasphemous” that Jay-Z used his own daughter’s cry for a song dedicated to her?

Sidenote: I remember when I purchased my first computer, my daughter was only 3 years old. I recorded her voice saying things like “Hi Mommy” and “Shutdown” and I used it for different sound effects the computer made when I selected certain operations.

I’m happy for Jay-Z and Beyonce. They’ve managed to avoid all of the scrutiny and negative energy to make their marriage work, and now bringing in a healthy baby girl into the world. I wish many more happiness and success to them!

Jay-Z’s new song “Glory” feat Blue Ivy Carter.

Jay-Z – Glory Lyrics
[Hook]
The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can’t describe the feeling, for real
Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you, you: Glory

[Verse 1]
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?
Glory! Glory!
Glory! Sorry
Everything that I prayed for
God’s gift, I wish I woulda prayed more
God makes no mistakes, I made a few
Rough sledding here and there, but I made it through
I wreak havoc on the world
Get ready for part two
A younger, smarter, faster me
So a pinch of Hov, a whole glass of Bé

[Hook]

[Verse 2]
Your Grandpop died a nigga failure
Then he died of liver failure
Deep down he was a good man
Goddamn, I can’t deliver failure
Bad-ass lil Hov
Two years old, shopping on Savile Row
Wicked-ass lil B
Hard not to spoil you rotten, looking like little me
The most beautifulest thing in this world
Is daddy’s little girl
You don’t yet know what swag is but you was made in Paris
And Mama woke up the next day and shot her album package
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you’d disappear, but nah, baby, you magic (voila)
So there you have it, shit happens
Just make sure the plane you on is bigger than your carry-on baggage
Everybody go through stuff
Life is a gift, love, open it up
You’re a child of destiny
You’re the child of my destiny
You’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child
That’s a hell of a recipe
Glory! Glory!
Glory! Sorry

[Hook]

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

– Bob Marley

No one is meant to be alone. Never believe that saying “We all die alone”. We WHO? You know who dies alone? Hateful people who treat everyone less than their worth & with ill intent.

When I think about life and the events that occur in it, I always wonder what’s the real reason certain things happen. One year can be stress filled and then the next year is eventful. You know how someone can finish pouring their heart to you about a devastating situation and the only thing we’ll probably say is “everything happens for a reason“? Well I have yet to find out that reason. To a lot of things. Why did certain people hurt me the way they did? Why weren’t you there for me when I needed guidance throughout my childhood? Why did I almost lose my life in that car crash? Why did she have to die the way she did? My only guess is…negative experiences happens in our lives to make us stronger. What won’t break us will make us? It seems like the more positive we get about things and our current situation, negativity tries it’s best to shove it’s head into our life and ruin it. I refuse to let the bad outweigh the good though. I try my best to keep my focus on the good things like bubblegum, dick & weave sales.

Just kidding about dick. Not wait, I’m not.

There’s a big difference between fighting for the one you love and fighting with the one you love. You can love them for who they are and what they are and stop complaining. But if you keep going in and out of the same relationship, chances are you are going to get hurt. People come together in a relationship to learn. Once you learn your lesson, take that same lesson, and move on to something new. You can do the same old things in just some many ways until you lose track of what you are doing. How many ways can you cry? How many ways can you hurt? How many ways can you convince yourself that you can make this work? When a relationship is over, you need to recognize that fact, disassociate yourself from that person and then let it go. No matter how much you love the other person, or how afraid you are that you will never love again, you cannot squeeze juice from a piece of dry fruit. So don’t bother trying. Praying won’t make the relationship work. Losing weight won’t make the relationship work. Changing your hairstyle won’t make the relationship work. Nothing will make it work until you realize why it’s not working.

Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When you are loving, you are not doubting, judging or fearing; you are are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love, without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse it. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fix what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix. All you’re doing is building. For the better, for the both of you.

With that being said, why are you signing a prenuptial agreement? I think that’s the most ridiculous thing to ever agree to. You’re pretty much stating that you both are planning for your marriage & divorce at the same time. And in the most utmost selfish way. The word “pre-nup” taints marriages. If you have to think twice about marriage, there is no reason to get married. How would you feel if you helped someone build their empire, support it for 10 years and have to walk away from it all with nothing just because they don’t want you anymore? That’s why before you decide to marry someone, you need to know that you are able to commit to that person for the remainder of your life. If you feel that insecure/negative about the woman you choose to marry, then you have no business marrying her. Marriage is about supporting each other for the rest of your life. Therefore, if you end that marriage before death, you are still owed that support.

A lot of guys seem to be in the habit of “dating” for long periods of time (2-5 years) then suddenly deciding they do not want to marry “you” or be with “you” anymore. I don’t understand why people will waste that much time in a relationship just to have a companion. Ideally, I think you should know after 2 years if you want to marry someone or not. Kyle & I have been living together for almost a year now and we already know that we’re going to be together forever. There’s no doubt in my mind how that man feels about me because he tells me all the time. A couple that’s been together for at at least 2 years should know whether or not they’re going to be together for the rest of their life. Especially if you’re over the age of 25. At this point, you should know who you are, what you want and the type of mate you want to be with. Indeed, it’s very hard to look into someone eyes and just know for a fact that they’re the perfect match for you. That genuinely, they are the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. That your souls are bonded together. However, it shouldn’t take 5 years to realize such. It shouldn’t take 3 kids and living together for 8 years to figure it out.

People throw the term “soul mate” around very loosely. Calling someone your soul mate is just as strong as telling them you’re in love with them. May be even stronger than love. Can you see yourself marrying that person? Sharing all of yourself with this person? Bearing their children? Accepting all of their flaws & embracing them as unique gifts without penalizing them about it? If not, then they are not your soul mate. With the divorce rate spilling over 50% in America, it’s time that we stop, look & listen to our minds & hearts before making such hasty decisions. The only person we should marry is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Not for financial advancements or because you feel this person is your last resort.

When you love somebody, you should follow your heart. Sometimes when you are with the person you love the most, you feel confused. You don’t know who you are or what you want but that is totally understandable. It is natural to let go of a part of yourself to be with that person but the important part is that you don’t lose your own identity in the process.

♥ Anonymous

Another quote that I love: “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” -St. Augustine

They say if you love someone, then their flaws and mistakes shouldn’t even matter. It should always be about focusing on the positive and fading out the negative, because that shit doesn’t matter and will only put you down. If you want to be happy, think of all the love they gave, but if you want to be sad, think of all the mistakes they made. Which one will you choose? No, scratch that; which one should you choose? Nobody’s perfect, so stop wanting more, and just appreciate what you have. Love is acceptance and willing to accept any negative shit they give, so never let go and just believe. Every guy out there will hurt you, but there will always be that one guy you’re willing to continuously love. And he will be your only exception.

- source: tumblr.

Before you, my heart laid somewhere in the pits of my fear. Fighting the unknown. Frozen, unable to respond to warmth. Before you, everyday just came & went. Filled with uncertainty and doubt. All of the pain, hurt and agony. Made me lose who I am & made me feel unworthy of someone like you. I was damned. The thought of ever feeling this way again was snubbed out. I was preserving so much negativity about you. Dwelling the anger, allowing the evil to grow. Not allowing anyone to see the beauty inside. If you saw me, you were able to see my pain. If you spoke to me, you were able to expose my fears. If I heard you, you were able to tell me forgotten truths. If I embraced you, you were able to hurt me. But that was then & this is now. Now, I am able to surrender to you. Now, I am able to focus on the positive aspects that you bring into my life. Now, I’ve gained a new source of strength. You. My fears are diluted. You. I can be myself without you capitalizing my flaws. You. I’m rid of all my doubts & know it is possible to feel this way again. You. My days don’t seem like nights anymore. You. I’ve finally overcome my fear of the other side because you’ve shown me the way. You. All you baby. And I am caught up in your rapture. I surrender.

Yesterday was an endless void. Today is an awakening. Tomorrow is anticipated. All that’s left for me to do is to feel you on my fingertips…

Hi. My name is Chanel. Nice to finally meet you, Love.