Are you able to make the right long-term decisions instead of just living for today? I simple adore being embraced, appreciated & loved for the woman I am. And nothing’s better than being acknowledged of these things by your family, friends & significant other. But what do you do when it’s all coming from the right places at the wrong time? I’ve grown to notice that the most beautiful things happens at the most inconvenient times in our lives. It gets to the point where you have to pick, choose and then eliminate one of those inconveniences. We can think, speak and bring the best possible outcome into existence by focusing on where we’re going, not on where we think we are. Think about it…how far can you go living for today instead of catering to your future happiness? Best things happens to those who wait huh? I waited (for years) and everything is falling into place. Exactly where I want them to.

But what if you’re tired of waiting? What if you end up having faith into the number one thing you don’t believe in? They say everything happens for a reason right? Well maybe this time, you should go against the grain and just see what exactly is the reason why you continuously challenge yourself. Stop focusing on “what’s not there” & be grateful for what is.

Note to self: There’s nothing special about today. It’s not a Monday, nor is it my birthday. It’s not New Years, nor is this a resolution. If you want to make a change, start now.

Do you believe in knowing who you are & that you will remain that way forever? Just when you thought you had yourself all figured out, there’s always that one individual that sees you in a totally different perspective that you never viewed before. As they are expressing their opinion of you, to you….you’re either going to agree or disagree right? Well what if most times you find yourself agreeing? Does that mean you really don’t know yourself. All that you were projecting as your persona, was that all a facade? Or does it truly mean we haven’t really found ourselves? Even though all the answers are buried within you, it’s amazing how someone from the outside can sum you up in a matter of minutes. Teaching you how to handle yourself & the ways you can better your ways of self-expression. It’s amazing what you get once you allow yourself to receive.

Once you get through all of our own simplicities, you’ll always find out the root is very complex. Why? Because as we age, we’re learning. All of our experiences & the emotions we felt through them are all wrapped up in a box inside of our souls. Every time we find ourselves in a similar situation, we unwrap that box and dig deep for a better solution than the last. So no, I do not believe you will remain the same forever. It’s emotionally impossible. What is possible, however, is what spectrum of the rainbow you fall under more. The darks or the brights (better known as the positives or the negatives). Some people find themselves “stuck” in their negative ways to the point where the blame is on the whole world but their selves. Showing the inability to take responsibility for the roles they played in other people’s life. How it affected someone else. Did they learn anything from them? Most likely not. Other people take the positive road. Taking full hold of the things they learned and try to figure out how they can make things better next time around. Highlighting the key moments where full satisfaction was accomplished & what they can do to achieve that everlasting smile again.

Our past and our scars (whether they’re fresh or healed) is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. Within every experience we have in our life, we always learn & grow from it. At least we’re supposed to. Thus, it furthers define who we are. Regardless of what you’ve been told, you can and is able to change with every new experience. Your ex cannot successfully tell you who you are and what you’re about. Because all they’re going by is how you were with them. Each experience enhances your capabilities by giving you something new to draw upon. Every new capability you discover & develop leads to a new opportunity. As long as you have these abilities, there will be endless possibilities for you to grow and learn something new.

So yes, you will find out something new about yourself as you encounter new people in your life. It’s part of the universal flow & the different roads we go through while we’re in route to our own self. It’s up to you to decide on one direction, not to get lost & sticking to it for the next time you need to get there.

Too many people have allowed themselves to remain in situations that are unproductive. As you mature, you outgrow interests, hobbies, habits and even people. The process of elimination works the best. Especially when you’ve exhausted all attempts to make it right. The more you stay in a negative situation, the more you need to start blaming yourself. All of this blame we place on everyone else for the things we’re unable to do for ourselves are becoming a bit tedious. Blah. If you ask me I think it’s all a crock of shit. I know for a fact that you know at least one person who was raised a certain way and exposed to certain things and have become the total opposite of what’s been instilled in their mind. Aren’t you one of those people?

If you have the desire to do something, then do it. You will feel much worse if you never did. Then you’ll be living your whole life wondering the “shoulda, coulda, woulda”. Sometimes, we reach a point where we can finally tolerate the downfalls of life, yet are unable to cease it or prevent it from happening again. The only way you will successfully end it all (the negativity, the disappointments, the frustrations) is to stand up for yourself, and stand up for what you believe in. Quit settling & start your search for what you truly deserve. More than likely, your stress is caused by you compromising yourself, to suit others or a particular situation. I know that’s what caused mine. And I’ve ended that cycle. For months I’ve been catering to certain people’s incapability of handling problems the right way, or even their own stress, only out of hope, respect & love. But where was my dignity? Where was my ability to take charge & do what’s right? May have took a few months to achieve that goal but guess what?…I’m here. And the goal was to be able to survive on my own.

There will be rough times, difficult situations, things to fall into & out of, major obstacles and forks in the road all through your mission. My mission is to allow people to feel how I am feeling by providing my story, followed up with my personal suggestive solution. The power I have to make people open their eyes and see what they couldn’t see before makes me happy on levels beyond my normal reach. I do it because I believe I can do it. I’m not ashamed to tell my stories about my past experiences, shortcomings & failed relationships. Flaws and all, as long as I am honest about who I am.

Finding your inner peace is better than peanut butter.

I came across that email while I was looking for something else through my gmail. The man (there were plenty of other things I wanted to call him like “fuckboy” or “bitch with a dick” but I’m going to keep it classy) that wrote that letter for me, hated me 6 months later. He ran my name through the mud. Funny how that same love he professed, turns into hate. What is it about love that makes you HATE the person as soon as they exit your life? Does hate really exist or is it an easier way to get over someone? I know they say “mind over matter”, but does it matter when your mind isn’t truly over it? Or maybe, they never loved you in the first place?

Love isn’t meant to be solved. It’s just is. Take heed to these words if you ever find yourself feeling stuck, asking questions. Life & relationships are not about being frozen in place, wondering “Where do I go from here?”. It’s about growth, commitments, love and knowing your path. Sometimes you may just have to fight for love because the other party is simply scared of it. And if you’re the person who’s scared of love, scared of fighting to make things work, scared to make the slightest effort to earn that companionship, you need to do some thorough soul searching. Life is so much better to aim for your desires than not trying at all. I personally prefer to try, and maybe get rejected, than to not knowing at all if it would have worked. I know, I know…easier said than done. But remember….the hardest advice to follow is your own.

No one is meant to be alone. Never believe that saying “We all die alone”. We WHO? You know who dies alone? Hateful people who treat everyone else like shit & with ill intent. I just backspaced about 5 times after that statement because I started to think about the people who are so miserable that they make it their daily business to try to make others miserable as well. I was going in on a different level, and almost scared myself. So I won’t even spoke the words into existence. I don’t need that karma on me.

When I think about life and the events that occur in it, I always wonder what’s the real reason certain things happen. One year can be stress filled and then the next year is eventful. You know how someone can finish pouring their heart to you about a devastating situation and the only thing we’ll probably say is “everything happens for a reason“? Well I have yet to find out that reason. To a lot of things. Why did certain people hurt me the way they did? Why did he say he’s going to be there, just to disappear again the next day? Why did I almost lose my life in that car crash? Why did she have to die the way she did? My only guess is…negative experiences happens in our lives to make us stronger. What won’t break us will make us? It seems like the more positive we get about things and our current situation, negativity tries it’s best to shove it’s head into our life and ruin it. I refuse to let the bad outweigh the good though. I try my best to keep my focus on the good things like bubblegum, dick & weave sales. Just kidding about dick. Not wait, I’m not.

Obviously I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my past lately. Maybe too much. But sometimes, it’s what you have to do in order to move forward. Yup, I’m about to be cliche and say 2010 will be my year. You watch.

An hour later, after the police blocked the highway, I watched the tow truck pull my car out of the ditch. Ever crumpled up foil paper? That’s how the front & the rear of my car looked. I don’t know how I got out of that with no missing teeth, no broken bones or major injuries, but I am extremely grateful for it. My weave and nails were still fabulous darling. The rescue crew were giving me high fives because they’ve said other people have died in that same ditch. Also, they’ve never seen a woman save herself like the way I did. Was it the military training from over 10 years ago? Was it because I was in shock? No. It was because I knew it wasn’t time for me to leave my daughter yet. I refused to lose my position in life. If I was supposed to die at that moment, I would have been dead. Friday night was not that moment. This is part where I start playing Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” & do the cocaine snap.

Here comes the profound thoughts of life, God, my blessings and how horrible 2009 has been to me. To everyone. I don’t know what it is about this year that has everyone in a worldspin, but guess what?…[Yes, I'm about to tell you something that's very cliche.]…You’re still alive. Something, that I keep reminding myself since Friday night. Something, that all of my loved ones kept telling me all weekend. I want to sulk and sob about the things I have endured the past couple of months, but something cockblock the tears. There’s a lot more going on in my life and it’s amazing how you find out who your true friends are when you’re in need of help. Sucks that it has to be that way, but that’s how life is. And I am grateful that I still have mine.

The first image is the ditch. You can’t see my car from the edge of the highway. The only reason my car didn’t go further than 50ft was because it crashed into a tree. The second image are the 2 bruises I endured from the seatbelt that saved my life.

Life may be rough and a lot of unfair events will occur, but don’t allow it to alter your motivation. So many people go through life believing they’re being cheated or the world owes them something. I’m not going to lie, I am very guilty of that because I’m doing it now. However, no one owes you anything. You owe it to yourself because you chose & accepted what you receive. We create whatever we want in our lives. All you need is proper guidance and a perception to get there. Of course things like car accidents, plane crashes and certain diseases cannot be avoided, nor do we deserve them, but don’t waste too much of your time trying to figure out “why” it happened. Since the car accident, I haven’t been able to sleep well. Those that know me personally, knows that I love sleeping and can sleep for 12-14 hours straight without waking up. Now, I can barely fall asleep or stay asleep for more than 4 hours. I keep getting flashbacks of the accident. But, I have to fall back and really catch myself before I start to complain. When you complain, all you’re doing is not taken notice and being grateful for what we do have. We’re giving too much to dwell on what we lack. I believe once we appreciate the greatness we have, just by having life and being one of the people that He choose to wake up that morning, we will be granted more blessings. I have so much to be thankful for. Mainly, the fact that He spared my life so I can come home to my wonderful daughter. What more can I ask for?

12/22/09 Update: Pictures of my car:

Once you get through all of our own simplicities, you’ll always find out the root is very complex. Why? Because as we age, we’re learning. All of our experiences & the emotions we felt through them are all wrapped up in a box inside of our souls. Every time we find ourselves in a similar situation, we unwrap that box and dig deep for a better solution than the last. So no, I do not believe you will remain the same forever. It’s emotionally impossible. What is possible, however, is what spectrum of the rainbow you fall under more. The darks or the brights (better known as the positives or the negatives). Some people find themselves “stuck” in their negative ways to the point where the blame is on the whole world but their selves. Showing the inability to take responsibility for the roles they played in other people’s life. How it affected someone else. Did they learn anything from them? Most likely not. Other people take the positive road. Taking full hold of the things they learned and try to figure out how they can make things better next time around. Highlighting the key moments where full satisfaction was accomplished & what they can do to achieve that everlasting smile again.

Our past and our scars (whether they’re fresh or healed) is a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. Within every experience we have in our life, we always learn & grow from it. At least we’re supposed to. Thus, it furthers define who we are. Regardless of what you’ve been told, you can and is able to change with every new experience. Your ex cannot successfully tell you who you are and what you’re about. Because all they’re going by is how you were with them. Each experience enhances your capabilities by giving you something new to draw upon. Every new capability you discover & develop leads to a new opportunity. As long as you have these abilities, there will be endless possibilities for you to grow and learn something new.

So yes, you will find out something new about yourself as you encounter new people in your life. It’s part of the universal flow & the different roads we go through while we’re in route to our own self. It’s up to you to decide on one direction, not to get lost & sticking to it for the next time you need to get there.

originally written october 14th 2007.

Many people take life for granted. Some look at it as if it’s a gift and others look at it as “too much work” or turmoil. We kiss our teeth and roll our eyes over the thought of fighting for our happiness. But when something goes wrong in our life we tend to give up on it. Or even worse, holding someone else responsible when life doesn’t give us what we want. Moving day to day, with no plan, no goals and ultimately no rewards. Life is way too short to waste it on negativity. We only get one life so live it up the best way you can. You got people that haven’t done shit with their life but complain about it. Running around whining about how their life is the worse but do nothing to improve it. Laying around mumbling about frivolous shit like it’s the end of the world. They went unnoticed, haven’t done anything for themselves and probably just as, if not more, miserable and confused as you are. But the difference between you and them is that you’re making a change with your life. Here we are, not even old yet, and already giving up on the blueprint to our serenity.

Don’t be afraid to take a chance. Life is all about risks and learning from your experiences. If you’ve done things that didn’t work, do something else. Failed your classes when your major was Forensics Science?…chose a different major and try again. Got dumped by a girl for the 5th time?…find another one that’s better then the last. If you do absolutely nothing for yourself or for your life how do you expect to have a good one? The only way you’ll receive a reward for what you do is if you worked hard for it. A closed mouth don’t get fed. When you think negatively, you attract negativity. When you confront your life with negative thoughts, you’ll have experiences to confirm what you’re thinking. What you believe people and the world are doing to you is actually a reflection of what your thoughts are drawing to you. Positive thoughts, aspects and goals brings happiness throughout the darkness in your life. The better you are at nurturing, supporting and believing in yourself, the better life gets.

If you continue to keep purpose in your mind and have faith in happiness, you will find it. You know what makes you happy and will keep you there in the long run, so go for it. It’ll give you a peace of mind. So many people go through life believing they’re being cheated or the world owes them something. No one owes you anything. You owe it to yourself because you choose & accepted what you receive. We create whatever we want in our lives. All you need is proper guidance and a perception to get there. You ever sit alone in your room and found yourself engulfed in your own thoughts, unplanned? I find myself doing that almost every night before going to bed. Some may call it “getting old” but I call it finding my true inner peace.

I have done a lot & have been through a lot to get to where I am today. And my journey doesn’t stop. What pisses me off the most are these grown ass men with high demands of women, when they are barely bringing half to the table. How is it that you’re in the club, flashing jewelry & “popping bottles” when you’re behind on child support? You require your woman to cook for you when you’re still living at home with your mother? Talking about “I’m just here to help her out.” Please. Help her out with what? Running up her food & electric bills? How dare you state that you want an “independent woman” when you’re sharing an apartment with someone else? I would completely understand if you were a single parent & you have full custody of your child. But most of these men has no children. What’s your excuse?

This doesn’t apply to everyone either. I am referring to the ones who are about 27 & older. Some may say over 25, but let’s be honest here. A lot of people spend a few years trying to find themselves & what they want out of life. Usually, we figure at out after we get through the “party years”, ages 21 through 25. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do with my life until I was 27 myself. But you best believe…even though some goals were not set, I didn’t have this high unrealistic standard set for the men in my life. I’m not going to demand a man to have his own place, if I didn’t have my own place. I’m not going to demand that a man have a degree, if I didn’t have my degree yet. Humble yourself. What can you bring to the table? Are you able to meet me in the middle?

One of the greatest downfalls people have is banking on the potential of someone else. We go through great lengths to understand what someone should do, could do, has the ability to do but is not doing. Expecting & assuming when you’re unable to fit the criteria yourself. It’s simply not fair. Take a look at yourself, see what you can offer, then make your “demands”. Especially if you’re blind to your own “shortcomings” that you demand so much from others.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging as frequent as I usually do. School just started again, and I have been spending a lot of time with some offline activities. I will update soon. In the meantime, I will post a throwback that I wrote 2 years ago. Some of you may remember it.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

It takes a lot more character to tolerance someone’s flaws than to point them out. Those are the same people that will tediously tell others what they “need” to do or change. Somehow those are the ones that are drawn to me. Excuse me but, have you ever thought that maybe it’s you and your inability to handle the brutal honesty that come out of these lips? I’ve already found myself & contrary to popular belief, people love it. Do you really believe that I’m going to be bent out of shape because you’ve just proved to me that I’m too woman for you? No matter how much you’re unable to “deal with my shit”, that “shit” is what makes me me. I’m not making anymore excuses for myself and how I am. I’m not the type to sugarcoat shit just to cater to your sensitivity. I’m not the type to baby you when you’ve fucked up for the 56th time. I’m not the type to hold on to someone (or something) that doesn’t deserve to be kept. You’re either going to love me or leave me alone. So make sure you close the door on your way out…

I’ve become restless. I know what to do, but the option isn’t available to me. And I can’t place my finger on how to make it available. I do know that I need to rationalize my thoughts and stop taking things so seriously. It’s funny how I thought I mastered my emotions when it comes down to relationships and feelings. I wonder why negatives are always thrown my way right when I’m smooth sailing with positivity? I believe when it happens, it’s a test to see if I have truly grown. To see if I matured. Well yes, I have. Unfortunately, I’ve become more numb with my feelings than ever. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me. Which, makes me a bit less tolerable towards excuses/bullshit/contradictions. We are all humans I guess and we need to experience the good and the bad. We are bound to make mistakes while we trudge through them and then we learn from the ending results in every situation. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I feel whenever a negative encounter occurs, it’s just someone testing my current strength. Maybe to see if I am able to handle a greater blessing that’s somewhere along in my path. Well, I can easily tell you that my mentality is far beyond my physical years. I am completely satisfied with my life and who I am today.

Life is an on going battle between our hearts and minds. A lot of times we find our minds wanting and needing what our hearts don’t. Whether it’s a friendship, courtship, or relationship, it becomes difficult to make decisions. But before you can make decisions regarding yourself and others, you must first begin with yourself. If you aren’t living the way you should, it’s an inevitable drain if you bring someone else along. How can you find someone who completes your puzzle, if you have yet to identify all the pieces that you bring to the table? No one in this world has all the pieces to their own puzzle because it takes someone, the right someone, to complete them. You will know it’s the right someone, when both your heart and mind agree on it. I am so thankful for situations that bring about epiphanies and enlightened thinking.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.