Tag: keep it moving

pain: access denied.

Sat 1.17.09in drama elimination, life24

I used to be the kind of person that harp on things. For instance, if you called me a slut in January, I’d still bring  it up in June. But now I’m wise enough to know that life is way too short to be harping on the past. People deserve to be forgiven. Most deserve that 2nd chance. I find myself forgiving, but not forgetting. I’m happy to have experienced so many things that I’ve had the chance to experience in my life. Grateful for the people I’ve met & and appreciate what I’ve learned from the ones that I’ve lost. Whether it was my fault or theirs. Because with each experience, I take a piece of it with me. Negative or positive. I learn from the negatives & I bask in the positives. However, there are times where I wonder….was it all really worth it?

Life is like photography. You develop from the negatives.

I try to go by that quote and apply it to everything that happens. But sometimes, I get restless. It’s funny we can learn to master our emotions in one entity, but not the other. I know I have grown a lot and have learned to love people the way they deserved to be loved. But some people obviously don’t deserve that love. I used to be the type that would just go all out and say regretful things during arguments. Not anymore. I find myself not even getting riled up anymore. I state my claim, express my feelings & move it right along. Unfortunately, I’ve become more loose with my feelings than ever. Meaning, I may like you a whole lot, but I can also cut you off with a heartbeat and never speak to you again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me or cloud my judgment. It’s funny how nothing forces me to move faster than pain. Restlessness is pain. Someone distrusting you is pain. Disappointment is pain. Betrayal is pain. Backstabbing is pain. Being lied to is pain. When we’re in pain, it’s our duty to do something to make ourselves feel better. And if the old remedy doesn’t work, we gotta try something new. It’s a must. That old school cop out saying out of sight, out of mind trick doesn’t help much. All you’re really doing is crumpling up those feelings and hiding it in your bottom drawer. Not exactly “throwing it away”. So one day, unexpected, you fill find that same piece of paper.

Whenever we have a negative encounter, we wonder, “How could they do this to me?” The reason is because you let them. Basic human nature makes us see people and situations the way we want them to be, not the way they are. Then if your feelings are involved, they may crowd out your personal judgment. We allow others to take advantage, manipulate, and in some cases, abuse us, because we don’t want to “believe” what our senses are telling us is true. Don’t stay in denial. If legitimate facts are laid in front of you, don’t be blind to the obvious. You will get hurt in return. We are living products of our past. I think the reason why we allow these things to keep on happening is because whether it was negative or positive, we don’t have that natural feeling of beauty anymore. The environment of our childhood, teen years and young adult lives sets a path for our future. Our past is a part of our today. We carry it in our hearts and take heed to the next step considering what we been through. We do what was done to us because during our years of growing up we modeled what we saw, heard and experienced. With a great deal of denial, we repeat the physical, emotional and mental patterns set by our families, relationships and friends. It’s hard to convince one another to just “get over it” when you know that you haven’t gotten over a few things yourself. Point is, just be glad that you still have life. Feel beautiful for once. Or how about forever? Times when I used to feel like I can no longer go any further I take a look at all the things I do have, embrace those blessings and smoothly get over it. I relive the memories of my past then I erase them. Explore my feelings, unpack the guilt and free myself from the baggage I picked up moments before. Yes, you’re gonna feel bitter. Yes, you’re gonna feel unloved. Yes, you’re gonna feel like shit. But once you take a glance at your accomplishments, creations & the strength within…you will start to feel beautiful again. Don’t waste those limited moments of your life harping on the hideous aspects you’ve made it through. You’re here right now. Get a mirror, smile and commence being what you are.

Too many times we cut ourselves down to fit into a situation. Fixing ourselves to stay where we are is the very source of our pain. I refuse to allow myself to live with a constant, reoccurring ache because technically, it means I’m not getting the message. Sometimes, we reach a point where we can finally tolerate, yet are unable to cease it or prevent it from happening again. The only way you will successfully end it all is to stand up for yourself, and stand up for what you believe in. Make sure you don’t become an emotional pushover. More than likely, your pain is caused by you compromising yourself, to suit others or a particular situation. Catering to someone’s ego, pride or insensitivity. Or just flat out being afraid to speak your mind to that person. Whether you’re scared of them, or scared of how they’re going to blow it out of proportion. Bow down to no one because a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. Try it one day and see how strong & overcoming you’ll feel. I promise you, it’s invigorating.