Too many people have allowed themselves to remain in situations that are unproductive. As you mature, you outgrow interests, hobbies, habits and even people. The process of elimination works the best. Especially when you’ve exhausted all attempts to make it right. The more you stay in a negative situation, the more you need to start blaming yourself. All of this blame we place on everyone else for the things we’re unable to do for ourselves are becoming a bit tedious. Blah. If you ask me, I think it’s all a crock of shit. I know for a fact that you know at least one person who was raised a certain way and exposed to certain things and have become the total opposite of what’s been instilled in their mind. Aren’t you one of those people?

If you have the desire to do something, then do it. You will feel much worse if you never did. Then you’ll be living your whole life wondering the “shoulda, coulda, woulda”. Sometimes, we reach a point where we can finally tolerate the downfalls of life, yet are unable to cease it or prevent it from happening again. The only way you will successfully end it all (the negativity, the disappointments, the frustrations) is to stand up for yourself, and stand up for what you believe in. Quit settling & start your search for what you truly deserve. More than likely, your stress is caused by you compromising yourself, to suit others or a particular situation. I know that’s what caused mine. And I’ve ended that cycle. For months I’ve been catering to certain people’s incapability of handling problems the right way, or even their own stress, only out of hope, respect & love. But where was my dignity? Where was my ability to take charge & do what’s right? May have took a few months to achieve that goal but guess what?…I’m here. And the goal was to be able to survive on my own.

When you overcompromise, the only one that is left worn out is yourself, trying to meet the demands of others. You should only pick up after yourself, and pick up your own boulder and carry it yourself, and believe in yourself when you do it, in order to follow through and complete it.

There will be rough times, difficult situations, things to fall into & out of, major obstacles and forks in the road all through your mission. My mission is to allow people to feel how I am feeling by providing my story, followed up with my personal suggestive solution. The power I have to make people open their eyes and see what they couldn’t see before makes me happy on levels beyond my normal reach. I do it because I believe I can do it. I’m not ashamed to tell my stories about my past experiences, shortcomings & failed relationships. Flaws and all, I am honest about who I am.

Finding your inner peace is better than peanut butter.

Kirk Franklin
“Smile”

I dedicate this song to recession,
depression and unemployment.
This song’s for you.

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine.
Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart
and it feels like a cold night.

Today’s a new day, but where are my blue skies.
Where is the love and the joy that you promised me
tell me it’s alright.

(I’ll be honest with you)
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain,
fell from heaven like a shower now.
(When I think how much better I’m gonna be when this is over)

I smile, even though I hurt see I smile,
I know God is working so I smile,
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile…
It’s so hard to look up when you’ve been down.
Sure would hate to see you give up now.
You look so much better when you smile, so smile.

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine.
Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart
and it feels like a cold night.
Today’s a new day, but tell me where are my blue skies,
where is the love and the joy that you promised me
tell me it’s – alright.
(the truth is)
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain
fell from heaven like a shower now.

I smile, even though I’m hurt see I smile,
I know God is working so I smile,
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile.
It’s so hard to look up when you’ve been down.
Sure would hate to see you give up now
You look so much better when you smile.

Smile… for me
Can you just smile… for me.
Smile… for me
Can you just smile… for me.

ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
(and while your waiting)
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
(and while your praying)
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
(look in the mirror)
ohohoh, you look so much better when you smile

I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain
fell from heaven like a shower now – right now.
I smile, even though I’m hurt see I smile,
I know God is working so I smile,
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile..
it’s so hard to look up when you’ve been down.
Sure would hate to see you give up now.
You look so much better when you smile.
so smile.

ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you

smile…
I just want you to be happy..
I want you to have joy ’cause can’t nobody
take that away from you.
I see you.. SMILE!!

Kyle and I have decided to get married on May 6, 2012. That day is our 2 year anniversary. I am so excited, but I am also afraid of the wedding plan. My boss is going to handle most of the planning, but it’s still a lot of pressure. The easiest part is who I’m inviting, which is not much. I don’t care for everyone that I know to be there. I’m only inviting people that I actually care about. Which is about 25-40 people. Kyle’s list is actually longer than mine (he’s such a damn show off). I don’t want it big, but he wants it big. I had to remind him the bigger it is, the more of the costs. So we have to work on that. Ring shopping will be easy because we already know what we want. Nevertheless, our union is going to be beautiful and I can’t believe it’s finally happening!

I’ve been so used to making deep thoughtful blogs that I forgot how to make short quirky ones. I think I need to implement that into my structure as well. Just random thoughts, hopefully on a day to day basis? Maybe every 2 days. Or 3. I can’t make any promises. But I am making a conscience effort to never leave you all stranded again.

When you love somebody, you should follow your heart. Sometimes when you are with the person you love the most, you feel confused. You don’t know who you are or what you want but that is totally understandable. It is natural to let go of a part of yourself to be with that person but the important part is that you don’t lose your own identity in the process.

♥ Anonymous

Another quote that I love: “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” -St. Augustine

Many people take life for granted. Some look at it as if it’s a gift and others look at it as “too much work” or turmoil. We kiss our teeth and roll our eyes over the thought of fighting for our happiness. But when something goes wrong in our life we tend to give up on it. Or even worse, holding someone else responsible when life doesn’t give us what we want. Moving day to day, with no plan, no goals and ultimately no rewards. Life is way too short to waste it on negativity. We only get one life so live it up the best way you can. You got people that haven’t done shit with their life but complain about it. Running around whining about how their life is the worse but do nothing to improve it. Laying around mumbling about frivolous shit like it’s the end of the world. They went unnoticed, haven’t done anything for themselves and probably just as, if not more, miserable and confused as you are. But the difference between you and them is that you’re making a change with your life. Here we are, not even old yet, and already giving up on the blueprint to our serenity.

Don’t be afraid to take a chance. Life is all about risks and learning from your experiences. If you’ve done things that didn’t work, do something else. Failed your classes when your major was Forensics Science?…chose a different major and try again. Got dumped by a girl for the 5th time?…find another one that’s better then the last. If you do absolutely nothing for yourself or for your life how do you expect to have a good one? The only way you’ll receive a reward for what you do is if you worked hard for it. A closed mouth don’t get fed. When you think negatively, you attract negativity. When you confront your life with negative thoughts, you’ll have experiences to confirm what you’re thinking. What you believe people and the world are doing to you is actually a reflection of what your thoughts are drawing to you. Positive thoughts, aspects and goals brings happiness throughout the darkness in your life. The better you are at nurturing, supporting and believing in yourself, the better life gets.

If you continue to keep purpose in your mind and have faith in happiness, you will find it. You know what makes you happy and will keep you there in the long run, so go for it. It’ll give you a peace of mind. So many people go through life believing they’re being cheated or the world owes them something. No one owes you anything. You owe it to yourself because you choose & accepted what you receive. We create whatever we want in our lives. All you need is proper guidance and a perception to get there. You ever sit alone in your room and found yourself engulfed in your own thoughts, unplanned? I find myself doing that almost every night before going to bed. Some may call it “getting old” but I call it finding my true inner peace.

Remember how you felt during the first encounters of someone you love? Didn’t you deny your own feelings? You smile when you see them and you close your eyes when you think about their voice. Every conversation feels like the first one. You’re completely fascinated by the way they make you feel. The thought of their kiss raises goose bumps as you lick your lips. You talk on the phone everyday. You want to see each other everyday. You want to be held everyday. You miss their caress. You miss their warmth. You miss their body. But sex hasn’t even been introduced yet. Everything moved so fast and out of nowhere you have feelings for this individual. You feel supported and they heighten your energy at the thought of seeing each other again. You’re not in love and you’re not infatuated. But you are feeling something. Yet you can’t pinpoint it. In just a matter of days you already know what they’re about to say next & an extensive amount of care appeared out of nowhere. Is there a title for this feeling? Or are you in denial of something else?

We, as people, were brought up to feel almost as if we need other people to feel secure and people we can depend on. Kind of sucks…in my opinion. There is something about being with someone who just makes your heart jump when you see them; someone who you can chill with and sex not always be an option; someone who you can argue with you, but still know that in the end, you will still have their voice to hear. There are a lot more things…like how some of the best moments with the person can be some of the most silent. Words don’t have to be said to feel like you are at ease with the person.

Eliminating bad choices: The art of mind-vs-heart is such an incredible power that it literally expands whatever it touches. When we’re faced with a challenge, obstacle or problem, our tendency is to nurture it. Our thinking process harbors the situation while our hearts…simply tells us different. We talk about it, but we don’t come to a solution. We describe it vividly, but are unable to recognize it when it’s in our face. We monitor its progress day by day, imagining how much it’s growing & how it’s effects are devastating every aspect of our lives. Yet we still allow it to. You know what we’re doing? We’re giving it more value than it’s worth. We’re settling due to our selfishness. Where do we find that strength to stop it before we hurt ourselves? As I type this, it dawns on me. It all makes perfect sense. I’m being tested by God. The highest of all high is testing me to see if I can truly make the right long-term decisions instead of just living for today. I simple adore being embraced, appreciated & loved for the woman I am. But what do you do when it’s all coming from the right person at the wrong time? I’ve grown to notice that the most beautiful things happens at the most inconvenient times in our lives. It gets to the point where you have to pick, choose and then eliminate one of those beautiful things. We can think, speak and bring the best possible outcome into existence by focusing on where we’re going, not on where we think we are. Think about it…how far can you go living for today instead of catering to your future happiness? Best things happens to those who wait huh? But what if you’re tired of waiting? What if, you end up having faith into the number one thing you don’t believe in? They say everything happens for a reason right? Well maybe this time, I think I’m going to go against the grain and just see what exactly is the reason why this is happening to me. I personally believe I was hand picked to endure questionable events. I always tell folks you’re strong, positive & faithful attitude will only bring you good. Nothing more, nothing less. When you entertain & focus on the problem, the problem will only get bigger. Funny how you end up doing the exact opposite of what you preach. Ah well, that’s life I guess huh?

Which is exactly what you are allowing these men do. Make decisions for you by not putting your foot down. If you are looking for a blue shirt, would you allow the sales associate to sell you a pink one? You speak your mind and you tell her exactly what you want. And if they don’t have it, you move on to the next store. That’s what we as women need to do with the men that does not meet our needs.  If you have to sit there and ask your sister, your co-worker, one of your guy friends on yahoo messenger, the cashier at McDonalds all these elaborate questions and tell them these scenarios just to see if he’s digging you, most likely he’s not. When a man’s into you,

you have to ask no questions about it. You’ll know it. You’ll feel it. You’ll see it. To be honest with you, there are no exquisite hidden ways to know if he’s into you. It all depends on his personality. If he’s a homebody but always wants to take you out to show you a good time, maybe he’s into you. If he’s not into being on the phone for more than 5 minutes, yet, you guys talk almost every night for over an hour, maybe he’s into you. The only way you will know for sure is just by asking him. If his answer isn’t so up to par to your standards, then you already know what to do next.

There are so many great mysteries about men that I have yet to solve & I’m quite sure there are men that are thinking the same thing about us women. I hate to sound cliche but, most men need to stop thinking with their dicks and more with their minds. Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know it’s been said over & over again but that statement is staying true in it’s form as of today. We get treated as objects most of the time; sitting there using games to get what they want. Or, they will throw all game out the window and straight up tell you that’s all they want. No thanks. I think I will take a rain check at a shot of AIDS. Then once they get what they want, just like that….they disappear like the wind. And you’ll never see it coming. It’s that damn manipulating. I have yet to understand what men really get out of that. I guess they feel like they’ve conquered something & their ego’s get a shitty boost? Would you want someone to do that to your mother or daughter? Do you feel more of a man after you blatantly disrespect a woman that you supposedly care about? If that’s how you show your “care” then I’m not sticking around to see what love’s like…

And that’s the kind of courage we all need to have within ourselves. Knowing when to say “I’ve had enough” or “What’s the status between you and I” and accept a straight up answer. Without that, you have nothing. You’ll always be wondering. You’ll always be asking Pam from up the street her opinion, instead of going straight to the source. If the asshole still cannot give you an answer, then leave him alone. Why play guessing games with your feelings? Don’t wait 5 years for an engagement ring. Don’t wait 10 years and 3 children later to get married. Don’t you realize you’re placing your life on hold for someone else to confirm that you are their everything?

So, after reading this book and discussing it with a female one night, then a male another night, then another male, then another male, then another male, then another male, I’ve come to see that it’s just for entertainment purposes. The percentage of the truth that this book does tell, are complete common sense. Ladies, please do not use this book as a BIBLE towards dating. All of the men I spoke to about this book, who all happened to be different in many ways, do not agree with anything the book says. There are times where a man is really too busy to go on a second date. There are times where a man has feelings for you, but is scared to express them. There are times where a man is scared to fall in love again. By all means, work it out. But not for no damn 6+ months for crying out loud!

Oh, one more thing. If a man tells you “I don’t like to approach women” or he kisses your hand before even knowing your name, that means he’s a stuck-up womanizing trick. Don’t fall into the trap!!!!

Relationships or the path to find love will have it’s rough moments. Don’t think for once that it’s “easy” to find love and to keep love. Both entities has it’s ups and downs. It’s your responsibility to embrace those that you have in your life. And if by chance they are not in your life anymore, cherish the memories and be thankful for the time that they were present in it. A lot of us would not be who we are today without that one person to show us the light of our ways. There are far too many times we are remembering the hurt and pain but can’t seem to remember the greater & more joyful things that we have all experienced. The road to finding love will have those potholes. There will be times where you will feel disappointed, rejected, disrespected, hurt, or even violated. Don’t let that stop you on your journey. You will shed a lot of tears and have many frustrating moments. Striving for your happiness will not come easy. There will be times where you are going to lay in bed at night and wonder if you’re ever going to fall hopelessy in love again. Wondering, is this marriage going to work? Am I a good father? Does he love me for who I am?

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

Wow. Can you say “caught up”? I’m so glad I was able to experience those feelings because if not, I wouldn’t be so clear in what I want in a man, a relationship and love. I have such a strong embrace on love now, I take no shorts. Which is where I want to be. I feel sorry for those women that accept less than what they deserve or downplay the actions of a man. Fronting as if that’s what they want or that “it’s okay”. No it’s never okay to be treated less than what you’re worth. It’s never okay to remain somewhere when you’re not 100% happy. Even if it’s just a “sex” thing. Why give someone a coupon on your self-respect? If you allow to receive 50% of what you want, you’re giving people the legal right to only give you 50% of themselves. The neverending story you tell others as if things are how you want them to be are just a front. And you’re are only kidding yourself with those fraudelent storytales. Or maybe you’re trying to convince yourself. No matter what the circumstances are, we as women deserve to be treated how we represent ourselves. Unless you want to find yourself in a dead end relationship wth no real commitment to love.

It’s time to reflect on where you are and if that person deserves to be there with you. Love isn’t confusing. Lying to yourself is.

Sitting at the bar. Somehow I glanced in your direction. And at the same time, you glanced towards mine. We smiled. But did no more. The second encounter, we were pumping gas at the same gas station. Was this fate? You noticed me the same time I noticed you. Which brought us to speak. Which also lead to many more conversations. Laughter. Flirting. Sharing experiences. Understanding each other. You became my new best friend. Becoming attracted to each other’s mind. Physical contact; how invigorating that was. Twining, bonding and absorbing every part of our bodies into one. The memories are intoxicating. The times we shared. Irreplaceable. Our whispers. Our caress. Our kisses. The strength of our intimacy. We built a foundation full of love, honor and respect. We are one. You became my future. We made plans, you and I. Plans on being together. Forever. Your family was my family. As was mine. That morning we made love before we went to work. That night we argued over pizza and soon found ourselves kissing on the floor. Your friend’s birthday when we got really drunk and ended up sleeping in the car. The parties. The wild nights. Those walks. The dinners. Our bed. Pure bliss. I felt like I was in heaven. But then something happened. The negative takeover . You started calling less. I became restless. Rolling my eyes every time you gave me yoru opinion. Irritable. Frustration. Confusion. Is the love still there? The way I glared at you. The way you yelled at me. Less quality time was spent with one another. The conversations turned into arguments. Our Friday nights turned into “nah, maybe next week”. The intimacy turned into just plain ole sex. No foreplay. No candles. No tears of satisfaction. Just tears of grief of the feeling that our “intimacy” has become a task. You criticized me more often. I lost focus in you. We stopped grasping each other’s attention with little things. We started blaming each other for things instead of taking responsibility and fixing. The pain starts to sink in. Someone gave up. Someone became somebody else. Someone decided they wanted out. Someone, didn’t love anymore. The confusion. The tears. The heartache. The loneliness. Not having those lips anymore. Not being held in those arms again. Not having you look at me with admiration anymore. Feeling unwanted. Sad. Tired. Unloved.

Now here comes the truth. Years may go by, you will still be in my heart. The pain have subsided, but remembered like yesterday. Many will try, but you are still the best. Some may have gotten close, but you always conquered. Love, will come again…but not as strong as yours. I miss you. I miss your lips, your smile and your touch. I miss it all. Wait a minute. Did I really move on? Am I in denial? They say never go backwards. But suddenly, I want that feeling back. I want you. Or do I just want to be in love again? Is that my reality? Am I in love with being in love? They say love will come again. How will I know? They say you can never lose your true love. Then how did I lose you? Can I have you back? I doubt if you feel the same. Things have changed though. I can make it better then it was before. We can make it work. But are you even worth it now? Should I even waste my time? Matter fact, I change my mind. I think it’s best leave well alone. Maybe you were not my true love. If it was meant to be, it will be. It would have been already. Just like the first day we met. That happened with no struggle. And love should come without any force. Who knows what would happen if I tried, again. But I’ll pass. Want to know why? Here’s why. We may only have one life to live, however, you’ll only have one chance to love. And you had your chance already. Now, someone better is showing me exactly what real love feels like.

Strange how some of the most influential relationships you’ve had in your life can still be reflected upon years later. I don’t recall telling most people how I felt, or feel, when my heart got broken. Especially when it happened more than once. But pretty much, that’s the best I can describe it. It is often difficult to express and communicate the essence of what our inner world is experiencing, because we’re not always aware of what we’re truly feeling. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by good or bad feelings and this is usually shown by our behavior. Without saying a word. We find our feelings become invisible and we’re unable to do anything at all. It’s really our actions that translate the intangible mystery of our feelings into reality. When people ask us “what’s wrong” how come we usually say “oh nothing” when we know good & damn well something is wrong? Nothing is wrong but everything is. Makes sense? Reason why I usually say “nothing” is because I’m actually being closed in. Part of me don’t want to pour my problems on people and the other part is because I choose to keep negativity to myself. If I’m going to speak upon myself, I prefer for it to be the brighter things that are occurring in my life. I’m still a small culprit for having a brick wall but that’s because people tend to use things against you as soon as there’s some disharmony. In the alternate universe I live in, I find that amusing. In my reality, I don’t know if it’s all that entertaining. It’s hurtful. Some people believe if you don’t share all of your problems with those that inquire, you’re only limiting yourself from people that possibly care about you. That may be true. But there’s a stronger part of me that believes those same people will throw those very same things up in your face when you make them upset. It has happened to me in almost every relationship. Funny how the people you care about would be the ones to make that wall even stronger by betraying you. By breaking your heart.

I don’t get upset at what was said or how a relationship ended. It’s the intention behind their words & actions that bother me. I’m women enough to admit that I am afraid of being hurt ever again. For my heart to be broken. To the point where I’ve become numb & scared. I guess it’s time to break down that wall and let my feelings flow again in a healthy way. Or perhaps subconsciously, I have a hidden agenda. And just to clarify things, I am still open to love. I’m just more careful as to whom deserves to get that love from me.