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Posts Tagged ‘envy’

bummed out.

On August 3, 2012   /   health & beauty, reality   /   Comments Off
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I’ve been down in the dumps lately because I feel like my whole summer has been wasted because of my health. Having gallbladder disease was no joke! The strict diets, the sporadic nausea, the throwing up every other day, the pains, the Vicodin, the Zofran, the Percocet, the Ambien. I was completely over it. I finally had it removed on July 17th and can eat whatever I want now, but the recovery is still tiring as well. I still have 4 bullet size wounds trying to heal on my stomach, I can’t bend over (there goes my sex life), and my stomach is still puffy from the surgery. So I feel fat. I don’t look fat, but I feel fat because of the swelling. Many people have promised that if I give it another month my body will go back to normal again, but that only sounds good if it was Winter time. It’s 95 degrees every day! And while I can’t wake up until 1pm, can’t go to the gym or exercise until I’m 100% healed, sit around and design websites all day long, I get to see alllllllllllll of my friends posting pictures and etc of how much fun they’re having on every social media website I can think of.

The picture above is the only picture I can post currently. Me in my pissy ass bathroom. Not with my friends, not on the beach, not at a pool party, not in the club, not playing volleyball, not screaming “YOU AIN’T ABOUT THAT LIFE!”, not pouring champagne over a stripper breasts. Just me. Standing in my fucking bathroom. After I tested out an overpriced flatiron.

On a brighter note, Kyle and Tyasia have been wonderful the past few weeks. The first week Kyle barely slept because he had to help me walk and pee every hour. Yes, it even hurt to pee. Recovery is going slow, but I am getting better. Of course now, I have to “take it easy”. Even when I laugh too hard I feel a slight pain. When I put on one of my tight dresses, I feel a larger pain. So there goes my social life all over again. The only thing I feel comfortable in are maternity clothes (yes, I had to purchase a few tops and dresses to adhere to my current medical condition).

This is not what I imagined for Summer 2012. I planned on showing off my new body, continue going to the gym to beef up my abs and butt, whip my 26inch weave back and forth, and be. fucking. fabulous. Now I’m only fabulous when I do a fake photoshoot in the bathroom.

Sigh. At least I’m alive right?

 

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obsession.

On March 19, 2011   /   drama elimination   /   2 Comments
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People not being able to get over it: Why it seems as if the people that dislike you always find themselves most active in your life? They tell you (and others) all these things they don’t like about you, but still involve themselves in your surroundings. They observe how you carry yourself, who you hang out with, things you say and still complain about what you’re doing. Isn’t this like a form of stalking or an obsession? Then when you comment upon their actions, they have the nerve to tell you to “leave them alone”. Funny huh? I’m glad I became one of those people who sits around contentedly, ignoring how the people who dislike me behave. In any way possible they are crying for your attention. They want it. They need it. As much as they hate you, there’s something about you they yearn. If you dislike someone so much, then keep it moving. Why place yourself in their environment, just to complain about them more? I didn’t know an individual that’s not in your life can place so much affect into it. No matter how you look at it or try to downplay your actions, it’s still unhealthy. School, work, internet, church, club, bar…doesn’t matter. Unhealthy obsession. A healthy obsession would be focusing on solving a problem or focusing on something good. An unhealthy obsession is the constant focus of energy on something to the point that the obsession causes harmful consequences in your life (ie: emotions, negativity & etc.). They are both bad when they are to an extreme but to be persistent about something or someone that you don’t like is absurd. It’s a very annoying waste of time and if you don’t have control over yourself, to some degree, you will be ridiculed. Most of the time, obsessions come up when you’re trying to fill a sense of emptiness in your life. Thus the reason why when we disassociate ourselves from someone they tend to come around even more. I just don’t see the point in it all. If you’re not going to benefit from your actions why do it? If I hold no weight in your life, why concentrate so much in what I do? Why dislike me so much, yet, be so engulfed into what I am about? It makes no sense. Things I dislike the most I keep out of my sight and out of my mind. I don’t clutter my brain with extensive amounts of it.

If you spend more time figuring out your own life, instead of mine, you’ll be a much better person. Take the separation for what it is, and just step.¹

You can be jealous of someone for as long as you like. You can talk shit about them for as much as you like. You can try to break them down for as much as you like. At the end of the day, they will always have something that you don’t and they will continuing to strive to be better than you. So all of your weak attempts will go null and void, however, karma’s watching. Be careful of what you do to other people.

¹This blog is a throwback. Originally posted on June 1st 2009.
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knowing is beautiful.

On May 3, 2009   /   drama elimination, reality, thoughts   /   7 Comments
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I know there are no guarantees in life. I know we need our struggles to appreciate any good that comes our way. I know looking in your eyes means so much more then a gentle touch. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m addictive. I know society has contradictions. I know there are hypocritical people out there. I know karma get the best of us. I know the smooth taste of Hennessy soothes my temper. I know rainy days are gloomy yet electrifies intimacy. I know anything’s possible once you put your mind to it. I know it’s best to ignore ignorance. I know you see me ignoring you. I know I am happy, content & satisfied with my life. I know I am blessed with a beautiful daughter. I know some may dislike me. I know majority love me. I know I don’t care. I know unfortunate people are more grateful for what they have. I know money doesn’t make a man. I know a better body doesn’t make a woman. I know I am never threatened by you or anyone else. I know there’s something about your love that makes me weak. I know I am beautiful, naturally. I know you’re a jealous bitch. I know I’m argumentative. I know I have revolved my ways. I know being a black woman reflects so much more then a “nigger bitch”. I know I am the epitome of independence, strength, survival & control. I know music calms my nerves yet me makes yearn for love. I know he simple adores kissing these lips. I know who I am. I know you have no clue. I know you’re curious. I know you will never figure me out. I know you will never move me. I know the mind holds extreme power. I know money is the root of all evil. I know I may be difficult at times. I know I attract negativity. I know I will continue to protrude positivity. I know you hate me. I know, that you know, that I know, that you are aware…that I know. Trust me, I am knowing and I am informed. And knowing is beautiful.

Knowing is beautiful and doing is wise because actions speak louder than words. By our actions lies truth and nothing’s more beautiful than being true to yourself and others.

Knowing is beautiful and what’s even more beautiful is the woman who knows or at least realizes that she doesn’t have to try to be beautiful. She is beautiful all on her own, with no effort.

It’s impossible to love, while hating. Progress, while oppressing. Trying to promote unity within yourself yet tearing others down. How can you understand if you’re not listening? Withholding rational & logic but expect to be understood & respected? It’s simply impossible. You need to know that there’s only one path to follow = negative or positive. Either we accept what we believe in ourselves and keep it moving or allow others to convince us otherwise. If we love ourselves as the foundation as future growth for our own progress, we don’t need to worry about others hating us. Please know that if you’re that effective towards the world without even saying a word then know that you are phenomenal. Do not acknowledge the negativity. Enforce it into something positive and realize you are that important to even be thought about. In any way. Therefore you just learned one new thing about yourself. It’s much more rewarding to carry yourself with class, grace, & style when so much negativity is thrown your way. Turn your nose up and just ignore the ignorance. People who are unhappy with themselves put so much time into hating others, yet they wanna know everything about them. They judge you and crucify you for the things you have done in your life. Ironically, they have nerve to talk. Then they try to emulate you, befriend your friends, befriend your enemies, follow your life, try to figure out what you’re doing, who you’re doing, when you’re doing it, the whole nine yards. Almost like an obsession. When they are unable to accept the harsh cruel reality, which is their life, they commence to focus on the people they envy (you) and spread rumors about you. You know who you are. You know what you represent. You know what your life entails. You are untouchable.

And just by knowing…you become invincibly beautiful.

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