Emotions | chanel.

still single.

Excerpts from what I posted on my twitter tonight:

Being honest is getting me nowhere. If you carry yourself like a lady & produce great conversation that doesn’t include baby father drama, girlfriend gossip or material things, and you’re STILL getting the shitty results from these men, it is YOU? This is a serious question. What’s so hard about giving a deserving woman what she wants? Because the last woman fucked you over?

“You’re so beautiful, down to earth & I love your sense of humor. I’m so attracted to you. Let’s just fuck.” – HUH?

“You have a great spirit & I love kicking it with you. You just seem so carefree & loyal. Suck my dick?” – WAIT…

“I had a wonderful time with you last night & I loved kissing you. Let’s not speak anymore.” – WHAT?

Wholesome women need to get together and beat the shit out of “one night stand” bitches. They making it hard for us. I’m not going to sit here & act like being single is all peaches & cream. IT IS NOT. It’s fun to have all these men desire you & have your options to date whomever you like. Definition: temporary satisfactions. But when every month it’s someone different, because the last mother fucker didn’t act right, reality starts to set in. Is sex REALLY that important? Is it REALLY that serious? In a relationship, it is. But not while you’re just dating. What’s with the haste? What’s with the deceit? Why not go get a ho, instead of trying to conquer the classy career woman. Words & actions NEVER made me fuck. If I fucked you it was because I simply wanted to. Not because of persuasion.

NOTE TO SELF: Stand your ground. Remain celibate. Never compromise morals. Express wants/needs. Don’t look back. Be you.

And don’t feel you’re better than me because you’re currently fucking a man, with no real status. Your shit stinks too. Don’t feel you can’t take advice from me just because I’m single. I’m the main one who can detect an “ain’t shit nigga”. The men/women who stay talking down on single women are usually in fucked up relationships. Jealous because they’re STUCK. When have you ever seen a genuinely happy person throw their relationship status up in your face? Those people talk shit to you because they want to feel better about themselves & their own depleted commitments. Being in a relationship, being engaged, or being married doesn’t make you an expert or validates your opinions. That’s ignorant & close-minded as hell to retrieve info from one resource. You can get advice from both ends of the spectrum. Single people can give you insight about VARIOUS others. Committed people can give you advice about their significant other. Point is, everything that you hear, is about people you’ve had no dealings with. You still have to come up with your own conclusion. She’s telling you what happened with HER husband. He’s telling you what happened with HIS wife. What worked for them, may not work with you.

I am ready for love. I’m not afraid to say that. And I will never back down from that. I am patient & know how to take my time. I want companionship. Someone I can be vulnerable with. I want to need him. I want to dependent on him. I want to satisfy him. If you don’t express these things, and admit your desires, you’ll never get what you want. A close mouth don’t get fed. And if he doesn’t want to feed you, then why should you go hungry while he feast on everything you have on your plate?

Judge me.

I’m A Fraud.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging as frequent as I usually do. School just started again, and I have been spending a lot of time with some offline activities. I will update soon. In the meantime, I will post a throwback that I wrote 2 years ago. Some of you may remember it.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

epiphany.

August 10, 2009
5 Comments
reality
emotions, love, mentality, reality, strength

Life and relationships are about acceptance, growth, commitment, and love. Every now and then, I always get an epiphany about my life that make me want to make some changes. This time it’s changes in how I deal with people, changes in how I handle my stress and changes in how I conduct my social life. It’s funny how every time I think I’ve reached a point of “perfection” in my life, I find a few errors that need to be fixed. It also helps when you’re surrounded by honest people, that are able to tell you “Hey, that’s not the way do to things.” You’ll never grow out of that sort of guidance.

It takes a lot more character to tolerance someone’s flaws than to point them out. Those are the same people that will tediously tell others what they “need” to do or change. Somehow those are the ones that are drawn to me. Excuse me but, have you ever thought that maybe it’s you and your inability to handle the brutal honesty that come out of these lips? I’ve already found myself & contrary to popular belief, people love it. Do you really believe that I’m going to be bent out of shape because you’ve just proved to me that I’m too woman for you? No matter how much you’re unable to “deal with my shit”, that “shit” is what makes me me. I’m not making anymore excuses for myself and how I am. I’m not the type to sugarcoat shit just to cater to your sensitivity. I’m not the type to baby you when you’ve fucked up for the 56th time. I’m not the type to hold on to someone (or something) that doesn’t deserve to be kept. You’re either going to love me or leave me alone. So make sure you close the door on your way out…

I’ve become restless. I know what to do, but the option isn’t available to me. And I can’t place my finger on how to make it available. I do know that I need to rationalize my thoughts and stop taking things so seriously. It’s funny how I thought I mastered my emotions when it comes down to relationships and feelings. I wonder why negatives are always thrown my way right when I’m smooth sailing with positivity? I believe when it happens, it’s a test to see if I have truly grown. To see if I matured. Well yes, I have. Unfortunately, I’ve become more numb with my feelings than ever. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me. Which, makes me a bit less tolerable towards excuses/bullshit/contradictions. We are all humans I guess and we need to experience the good and the bad. We are bound to make mistakes while we trudge through them and then we learn from the ending results in every situation. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I feel whenever a negative encounter occurs, it’s just someone testing my current strength. Maybe to see if I am able to handle a greater blessing that’s somewhere along in my path. Well, I can easily tell you that my mentality is far beyond my physical years. I am completely satisfied with my life and who I am today.

Life is an on going battle between our hearts and minds. A lot of times we find our minds wanting and needing what our hearts don’t. Whether it’s a friendship, courtship, or relationship, it becomes difficult to make decisions. But before you can make decisions regarding yourself and others, you must first begin with yourself. If you aren’t living the way you should, it’s an inevitable drain if you bring someone else along. How can you find someone who completes your puzzle, if you have yet to identify all the pieces that you bring to the table? No one in this world has all the pieces to their own puzzle because it takes someone, the right someone, to complete them. You will know it’s the right someone, when both your heart and mind agree on it. I am so thankful for situations that bring about epiphanies and enlightened thinking.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

still single.

I’m A Fraud.

epiphany.

Hello.

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