Being honest is getting me nowhere. If you carry yourself like a lady & produce great conversation that doesn’t include baby father drama, girlfriend gossip or material things, and you’re STILL getting the shitty results from these men, it is YOU? This is a serious question. What’s so hard about giving a deserving woman what she wants? Because the last woman fucked you over?

“You’re so beautiful, down to earth & I love your sense of humor. I’m so attracted to you. Let’s just fuck.” – HUH?

“You have a great spirit & I love kicking it with you. You just seem so carefree & loyal. Suck my dick?” – WAIT…

“I had a wonderful time with you last night & I loved kissing you. Let’s not speak anymore.” – WHAT?

Wholesome women need to get together and beat the shit out of “one night stand” bitches. They making it hard for us. I’m not going to sit here & act like being single is all peaches & cream. IT IS NOT. It’s fun to have all these men desire you & have your options to date whomever you like. Definition: temporary satisfactions. But when every month it’s someone different, because the last mother fucker didn’t act right, reality starts to set in. Is sex REALLY that important? Is it REALLY that serious? In a relationship, it is. But not while you’re just dating. What’s with the haste? What’s with the deceit? Why not go get a ho, instead of trying to conquer the classy career woman. Words & actions NEVER made me fuck. If I fucked you it was because I simply wanted to. Not because of persuasion.

NOTE TO SELF: Stand your ground. Remain celibate. Never compromise morals. Express wants/needs. Don’t look back. Be you.

And don’t feel you’re better than me because you’re currently fucking a man, with no real status. Your shit stinks too. Don’t feel you can’t take advice from me just because I’m single. I’m the main one who can detect an “ain’t shit nigga”. The men/women who stay talking down on single women are usually in fucked up relationships. Jealous because they’re STUCK. When have you ever seen a genuinely happy person throw their relationship status up in your face? Those people talk shit to you because they want to feel better about themselves & their own depleted commitments. Being in a relationship, being engaged, or being married doesn’t make you an expert or validates your opinions. That’s ignorant & close-minded as hell to retrieve info from one resource. You can get advice from both ends of the spectrum. Single people can give you insight about VARIOUS others. Committed people can give you advice about their significant other. Point is, everything that you hear, is about people you’ve had no dealings with. You still have to come up with your own conclusion. She’s telling you what happened with HER husband. He’s telling you what happened with HIS wife. What worked for them, may not work with you.

I am ready for love. I’m not afraid to say that. And I will never back down from that. I am patient & know how to take my time. I want companionship. Someone I can be vulnerable with. I want to need him. I want to dependent on him. I want to satisfy him. If you don’t express these things, and admit your desires, you’ll never get what you want. A close mouth don’t get fed. And if he doesn’t want to feed you, then why should you go hungry while he feast on everything you have on your plate?

Judge me.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging as frequent as I usually do. School just started again, and I have been spending a lot of time with some offline activities. I will update soon. In the meantime, I will post a throwback that I wrote 2 years ago. Some of you may remember it.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

It takes a lot more character to tolerance someone’s flaws than to point them out. Those are the same people that will tediously tell others what they “need” to do or change. Somehow those are the ones that are drawn to me. Excuse me but, have you ever thought that maybe it’s you and your inability to handle the brutal honesty that come out of these lips? I’ve already found myself & contrary to popular belief, people love it. Do you really believe that I’m going to be bent out of shape because you’ve just proved to me that I’m too woman for you? No matter how much you’re unable to “deal with my shit”, that “shit” is what makes me me. I’m not making anymore excuses for myself and how I am. I’m not the type to sugarcoat shit just to cater to your sensitivity. I’m not the type to baby you when you’ve fucked up for the 56th time. I’m not the type to hold on to someone (or something) that doesn’t deserve to be kept. You’re either going to love me or leave me alone. So make sure you close the door on your way out…

I’ve become restless. I know what to do, but the option isn’t available to me. And I can’t place my finger on how to make it available. I do know that I need to rationalize my thoughts and stop taking things so seriously. It’s funny how I thought I mastered my emotions when it comes down to relationships and feelings. I wonder why negatives are always thrown my way right when I’m smooth sailing with positivity? I believe when it happens, it’s a test to see if I have truly grown. To see if I matured. Well yes, I have. Unfortunately, I’ve become more numb with my feelings than ever. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me. Which, makes me a bit less tolerable towards excuses/bullshit/contradictions. We are all humans I guess and we need to experience the good and the bad. We are bound to make mistakes while we trudge through them and then we learn from the ending results in every situation. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I feel whenever a negative encounter occurs, it’s just someone testing my current strength. Maybe to see if I am able to handle a greater blessing that’s somewhere along in my path. Well, I can easily tell you that my mentality is far beyond my physical years. I am completely satisfied with my life and who I am today.

Life is an on going battle between our hearts and minds. A lot of times we find our minds wanting and needing what our hearts don’t. Whether it’s a friendship, courtship, or relationship, it becomes difficult to make decisions. But before you can make decisions regarding yourself and others, you must first begin with yourself. If you aren’t living the way you should, it’s an inevitable drain if you bring someone else along. How can you find someone who completes your puzzle, if you have yet to identify all the pieces that you bring to the table? No one in this world has all the pieces to their own puzzle because it takes someone, the right someone, to complete them. You will know it’s the right someone, when both your heart and mind agree on it. I am so thankful for situations that bring about epiphanies and enlightened thinking.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

Those people aren’t in my life anymore but it still hurts just thinking about how they turned their backs on me. I don’t do things like that myself because I treat my loved ones as I want to be treated. I’m also very grateful for those experiences. Through those events, I have learned so many new things. So much about myself. From my loved ones, strangers, from experimenting and by just minding my business. Every new situation that I face in life, takes me further away from the negative aspects of my past. Some are painful reminders makes me believe I shouldn’t take chances. I shouldn’t take risks. But, like an embryo, we must go through changes in order to become whole, healthy and complete. We’re going to feel alone, confused or frightened during the process but it’s all good. The outcome of it all is well worth the struggle. In reality, we all are growing, developing, evolving. Go out there and be carefree especially when you’re trying to achieve your goals. Break the limits. Pass the borders. Color outside of the line. That’s how we’re suppose to live life. Some mornings you may wake up feeling good, ready to go out and take on the world and “be” a great day. But on other days, we wake up to total darkness that makes the whole world seem depressing. On those days remember the words I stated and just live your life. You only get one so why waste it on anything that leads towards the negative? Don’t do as you please because it’s your day off. Do as you please everyday.

Always remember that we are given just one life to live. So why should anyone treat it as if you get a second time around?

Edit:  We have a new addition to the family! I had to give up my old cat Diva due to health issues last month so I adopted a 2 month old kitten yesterday. We named him Prince because he’s fierce, just like Prince, lol (Nevermind, his name is Tigger now, lol. That’s what she wants to name him) Nevermind again, now she wants it to be Prince, ugh! My daughter is so happy. We’re so happy.

When we get tired of hate, envy & jealousy, we will stop showing it attention. When we get tired of injustice, we’ll stop judging each other. Ladies, when we get tired of our men disrespecting us, trying to deplete our morale, pulling the wool over our eyes, we will stop compromising and set higher standards for ourselves. Men, when you get tired of being put down, discriminated against and used, you will stop placing blame on society & place that strength towards your dignity. No one can make you, but they can sure break you. But don’t give them that power of destruction. You are better than that. Most of us don’t know what we cannot do until someone tells us. We’re reminded of how dangerous it may be, how ridiculous it sounds, what a chance we’re talking. They give us warnings, cautions & “helpful hints” about alternative things we can do instead. When they’re finished, what just happened? We have been effectively talked right out of our dreams. We settled for less. This is why it’s imperative to have a strong overlook at your success in anything you try to achieve. No matter what people say, you will try your best. And let’s just say you do happen to fail, you were still given a chance to discover your strengths, your weaknesses, your passions and yourself in that journey. No one can take from you. No one.

If you were subscribed to my blog before, please resubscribe below. For some odd reason, when I did the WordPress upgrade, it deleted all of my subscribers. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Where’s your confidence? Your esteem? Your security? You gonna let them tell you what you’re capable of doing and achieving? I’m going to go ahead and guess that these same people are jealous of you. Filled with envy due to the fact that they were unable to fulfill their desires. So instead of encouraging someone else who has that chance or aspiration, they try their best to destroy the dream. Regardless of what anyone says, each of us brings to the world unique talents, gifts and abilities. Even if you don’t know what it is, or value what you do, someone, somewhere, will benefit from your presence. No one can do what you do exactly the way you do it. So if she tells you you’re not good enough for her because of your “flaws” so be it. If he tells you that you’re not “glamorous” enough for him, oh the fuck well. Always remember and never forget, you are just as unique and as valuable as the other. Confidence is all about knowing what you’re worth naturally. You don’t need a man/woman “reassuring” you everyday to feel like you’re worth it. Never allow anyone or anything to limit your mind because of your race, color, gender expression, style, fashion taste, work experience, non-existent college degrees or body type. Trust me…you’re not missing out on anything. It’s their loss. Not yours. When you do what you do, exactly the way you do it, someone will adore you just for that. Without reading all the fine print.

Get a mirror, smile and commence being what you are. Who cares what people think? They’re all are jealous anyway. Please know that if you’re that effective towards the world without even saying a word then know that you are phenomenal. Do not acknowledge the negativity. Enforce it into something positive and realize you are that important to even be thought about. In any way. Therefore you just learned one new thing about yourself. It’s much more rewarding to carry yourself with class, grace, & style when so much negativity is thrown your way. Turn your nose up and just keep it moving. You know who you are. You know what you represent. You know what your life entails. You are untouchable. And just by knowing…you become invincibly confident.

I once was confused beyond natural belief and I had no clue what to do about a particular person in my life and our situation. The anger I had built up scared me. That anger became buried in my own emotional battles and I forgot about it. Years later, I rationalized I became forgiving. But just when you thought it was safe, I was disappointed again. Now, I can feel the frustration, anger and resentment that I had for that individual trying to reappear once again. However, my lack of interest in their actions started disappearing. It’s amazing how relieved you feel when you start to care much less than before. The one thing that keeps me faithful is the fact that karma is a bitch. Not for nothing, I wish things can be different and I have put all of my pride aside to make things better. But if you’re unable to meet me in the middle, nor even showing me that you are even giving a fuck, I wash my hands off of you faster than I switch my weaves. I forgave you. Over and over again. I let you back in. I had faith in you. I prayed for you. Now I gave up on you and have released you from my heart. The best thing is, I don’t even need you. You thought I did. You thought we did. Nevertheless, you thought wrong.

I’m tired of people claiming they can’t change. How many times have you heard someone say, “That’s just the way I am”, or “I can’t change”. How about, “This is me, take it or leave it.” Oh, how we fight soooo hard to hold on to what limits us. Don’t we realize, if our way worked, it would be working? Can’t we see that holding on to what “I am” keeps us from realizing who we really are? It is natural to resist change. Shit, I’ve resisted it plenty of times. But it is insane to fight against it. For some reason we believe if we have to change, there must be something wrong with the way we are. The issue is not right or wrong. The issue is working or not working. Everything must change. The best can always get better. When we make minor adjustments as we see they are needed, we save time and the expense of a major overhaul.

I’m an avid believer in karma. That’s why I close my eyes at the thought of revenge. I walk away from drama and potential issues because frankly, I don’t have the energy nor the time to entertain it. If something or someone is creating an uncomfortable environment in your life, guess what?…you can stop it. The life you have belongs to you only. So don’t depend on the next individual to make that change for you. To make things better for you. To help you. To nurture you. To provide for you. To love you. You must first do these for yourself from within. Muster the courage and the strength to stop it all. Pause for a minute and listen to what you are telling yourself. Heal from the lies you’ve told yourself and the ones that have been told to you. You can make it on your own. You can find peace and happiness out of being alone. You can make a million dollars by investing one penny into something you truly love & have passion for. With all these great things you can do for yourself on our own, why would you allow stress to bring you down? Everyone gets stressed out. Some cases it’s worse than yours. While you sit there and worry about how you’re going to pay the rent this month, there is someone else just like you who is wondering how are they going to survive living in the streets this summer. Be grateful for what you have, what you have earned & for survivng through it all to still be alive today to speak upon it. While you think your current life may not be luxurious, serene & admirable, someone else is out there just wishing they could change places with you.

I’ll be damned if I allow a parasite lower my property value.

There are times where I just sit here. No television on, no music, no lights…and just wonder. I wonder where would we be 5 years from now? Wondering…am I still going to feel the same? I’m not going to lie. At first I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I look at myself in the mirror and say “What does he see in me?” Obviously it was something I couldn’t see in myself. You gave me a new found confidence, in which I didn’t have before. There were too many times you have failed me and I lost hope in you. I cried so many tears because of you. My heart is too bruised. What makes you think I should give you another chance now? Why should I take the risks?

Before you, my heart laid somewhere in the pits of my fear. Fighting the unknown. Frozen, unable to respond to warmth. Before you, everyday just came & went. Filled with uncertainty and doubt. All of the pain, hurt and agony. Made me lose who I am & made me feel unworthy of someone like you. I was damned. The thought of ever feeling this way again was snubbed out. I was preserving so much negativity about you. Dwelling the anger, allowing the evil to grow. Not allowing anyone to see the beauty inside. If you seen me, you were able to see my pain. If you spoke to me, you were able to expose my fears. If I heard you, you were able to tell me forgotten truths. If I embrace you, you were able to hurt me. But that was then & this is now. Now, I am able to surrender to you. Now, I am able to focus on the positive aspects that you bring into my life. Now, I’ve gained a new source of strength. You. My fears are diluted. You. I can be myself without being capitalized on my flaws. You. I’m rid of all my doubts & know it is possible to feel this way again. You. My days don’t seem like nights anymore. You. I’ve finally overcome my fear of the other side because you’ve shown me the way. You. All you baby. And I am caught up in your rapture. I surrender.

Yesterday was an endless void. Today is an awakening. Tomorrow is anticipated. All that’s left for me to do is to feel you on my fingertips…

Hi. My name is Chanel. Nice to finally meet you, Love.

Life is like photography. You develop from the negatives.

I try to go by that quote and apply it to everything that happens. But sometimes, I get restless. It’s funny we can learn to master our emotions in one entity, but not the other. I know I have grown a lot and have learned to love people the way they deserved to be loved. But some people obviously don’t deserve that love. I used to be the type that would just go all out and say regretful things during arguments. Not anymore. I find myself not even getting riled up anymore. I state my claim, express my feelings & move it right along. Unfortunately, I’ve become more loose with my feelings than ever. Meaning, I may like you a whole lot, but I can also cut you off with a heartbeat and never speak to you again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me or cloud my judgment. It’s funny how nothing forces me to move faster than pain. Restlessness is pain. Someone distrusting you is pain. Disappointment is pain. Betrayal is pain. Backstabbing is pain. Being lied to is pain. When we’re in pain, it’s our duty to do something to make ourselves feel better. And if the old remedy doesn’t work, we gotta try something new. It’s a must. That old school cop out saying out of sight, out of mind trick doesn’t help much. All you’re really doing is crumpling up those feelings and hiding it in your bottom drawer. Not exactly “throwing it away”. So one day, unexpected, you fill find that same piece of paper.

Whenever we have a negative encounter, we wonder, “How could they do this to me?” The reason is because you let them. Basic human nature makes us see people and situations the way we want them to be, not the way they are. Then if your feelings are involved, they may crowd out your personal judgment. We allow others to take advantage, manipulate, and in some cases, abuse us, because we don’t want to “believe” what our senses are telling us is true. Don’t stay in denial. If legitimate facts are laid in front of you, don’t be blind to the obvious. You will get hurt in return. We are living products of our past. I think the reason why we allow these things to keep on happening is because whether it was negative or positive, we don’t have that natural feeling of beauty anymore. The environment of our childhood, teen years and young adult lives sets a path for our future. Our past is a part of our today. We carry it in our hearts and take heed to the next step considering what we been through. We do what was done to us because during our years of growing up we modeled what we saw, heard and experienced. With a great deal of denial, we repeat the physical, emotional and mental patterns set by our families, relationships and friends. It’s hard to convince one another to just “get over it” when you know that you haven’t gotten over a few things yourself. Point is, just be glad that you still have life. Feel beautiful for once. Or how about forever? Times when I used to feel like I can no longer go any further I take a look at all the things I do have, embrace those blessings and smoothly get over it. I relive the memories of my past then I erase them. Explore my feelings, unpack the guilt and free myself from the baggage I picked up moments before. Yes, you’re gonna feel bitter. Yes, you’re gonna feel unloved. Yes, you’re gonna feel like shit. But once you take a glance at your accomplishments, creations & the strength within…you will start to feel beautiful again. Don’t waste those limited moments of your life harping on the hideous aspects you’ve made it through. You’re here right now. Get a mirror, smile and commence being what you are.

Too many times we cut ourselves down to fit into a situation. Fixing ourselves to stay where we are is the very source of our pain. I refuse to allow myself to live with a constant, reoccurring ache because technically, it means I’m not getting the message. Sometimes, we reach a point where we can finally tolerate, yet are unable to cease it or prevent it from happening again. The only way you will successfully end it all is to stand up for yourself, and stand up for what you believe in. Make sure you don’t become an emotional pushover. More than likely, your pain is caused by you compromising yourself, to suit others or a particular situation. Catering to someone’s ego, pride or insensitivity. Or just flat out being afraid to speak your mind to that person. Whether you’re scared of them, or scared of how they’re going to blow it out of proportion. Bow down to no one because a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. Try it one day and see how strong & overcoming you’ll feel. I promise you, it’s invigorating.