chanel. » emotions

not a robot.

chanel — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 19:51:37 +0000

I have so much on my mind, so many things I want to say, but pride won’t allow me to. I used to like to get opinions from total strangers sometimes. Because they’re unbiased. I used to vent to whoever was willing to listen, but they used it against me. So now I’ve become this extremely private person. I blame this on people that are uncomfortable with showing their own feelings. I blame this on the new assholes. Not the people that are truly assholes. It’s the ones that think if they act like an asshole, people will like them more. People will gravitate towards them more. Smart ones, like myself, see right through that bullshit. Gullible ones, that are also lost in trying to find their identity, fall for it.

It’s gotten to the point where people think being human is lame. Having a flaw is frowned upon. Caring is for wimps. Everything and everyone is “perfect” now. No one has problems, no one is lonely, no ones’ bills are past due, and no one fucks ugly people. Everyone has the fliest car, the best body, and the greatest sex. While having high self-esteem is a great thing. But most times, being realistic is a better approach. Don’t be afraid to say “I wish I was making more money”. Don’t be afraid to say “Maybe I shouldn’t drink tonight just to fit in”.

Don’t be afraid to care. I think that’s what’s missing in society today. Everyone is giving off this “I don’t give a fuck” vibe, while giving a fuck. The more you preach to me about not giving a fuck, the more I believe you do give a fuck.

And for the sake of humanity, quit trolling the social media sites spraying your negativity on people just because you’re not happy with your life. The only people that cheer you on are the ones that are also miserable.

smile.

chanel — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:30:34 +0000

I’m not into Gospel music, but this one song by Kirk Franklin always get me into good spirits. What caught my attention about the song “Smile” were the words. I was busy cleaning up my house one day and my television was on VH1Soul. Normally I end up changing the channel after a “I am not my hair” type of song comes on, but this day, I was tuning it out. Until this song came on and it completely grasp my attention. The video is beautiful, the lyrics are beautiful, the song is beautiful. This definitely works if you’re ever feeling down.

Kirk Franklin
“Smile”

I dedicate this song to recession,
depression and unemployment.
This song’s for you.

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine.
Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart
and it feels like a cold night.

Today’s a new day, but where are my blue skies.
Where is the love and the joy that you promised me
tell me it’s alright.

(I’ll be honest with you)
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain,
fell from heaven like a shower now.
(When I think how much better I’m gonna be when this is over)

I smile, even though I hurt see I smile,
I know God is working so I smile,
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile…
It’s so hard to look up when you’ve been down.
Sure would hate to see you give up now.
You look so much better when you smile, so smile.

Today’s a new day, but there is no sunshine.
Nothing but clouds, and it’s dark in my heart
and it feels like a cold night.
Today’s a new day, but tell me where are my blue skies,
where is the love and the joy that you promised me
tell me it’s – alright.
(the truth is)
I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain
fell from heaven like a shower now.

I smile, even though I’m hurt see I smile,
I know God is working so I smile,
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile.
It’s so hard to look up when you’ve been down.
Sure would hate to see you give up now
You look so much better when you smile.

Smile… for me
Can you just smile… for me.
Smile… for me
Can you just smile… for me.

ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
(and while your waiting)
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
(and while your praying)
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
(look in the mirror)
ohohoh, you look so much better when you smile

I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain
fell from heaven like a shower now – right now.
I smile, even though I’m hurt see I smile,
I know God is working so I smile,
Even though I’ve been here for a while
I smile, smile..
it’s so hard to look up when you’ve been down.
Sure would hate to see you give up now.
You look so much better when you smile.
so smile.

ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you
ohohoh, you look so much better when you

smile…
I just want you to be happy..
I want you to have joy ’cause can’t nobody
take that away from you.
I see you.. SMILE!!

fighting for love.

chanel — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 08:21:05 +0000

Many of us think we are lucky or blessed when we find the right person to love. By now, we know that nothing in life is an accident, including our selection on who we catch feelings for. Very often we go into relationships with the idea that we can make somebody better. We see and know their flaws and take it upon ourselves to help them fix what is wrong. Our task in our relationships is not to fix one another. Our job is to love what we see and support one another in doing better. If all fails, just say goodbye to that relationship. Sometimes they’re simply not ready for a commitment. I used to have this unrealistic expectation in certain people to just flat out act right and handle themselves (and others) in a respectful, mature way. Having consideration & being appreciative. In order to fall in love, you need strength to fall out of it. Just in case. Love can either make you or break you. And trust me, it has broke me many times. Not saying that I have been in love a lot, but there were people that I did truly love, unconditionally & platonically, who didn’t share the same love in return. I’m grateful for those experiences because it wouldn’t allow me to love the way I love my boyfriend today.

There’s a big difference between fighting for the one you love and fighting with the one you love. You can love them for who they are and what they are and stop complaining. But if you keep going in and out of the same relationship, chances are you are going to get hurt. People come together in a relationship to learn. Once you learn your lesson, take that same lesson, and move on to something new. You can do the same old things in just some many ways until you lose track of what you are doing. How many ways can you cry? How many ways can you hurt? How many ways can you convince yourself that you can make this work? When a relationship is over, you need to recognize that fact, disassociate yourself from that person and then let it go. No matter how much you love the other person, or how afraid you are that you will never love again, you cannot squeeze juice from a piece of dry fruit. So don’t bother trying. Praying won’t make the relationship work. Losing weight won’t make the relationship work. Changing your hairstyle won’t make the relationship work. Nothing will make it work until you realize why it’s not working.

Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When you are loving, you are not doubting, judging or fearing; you are are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love, without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse it. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fix what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix. All you’re doing is building. For the better, for the both of you.

imperfect love.

chanel — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 04:56:10 +0000

Relationships or the path to find love will have it’s rough moments. Don’t think for once that it’s “easy” to find love and to keep love. Both entities has it’s ups and downs. It’s your responsibility to embrace those that you have in your life. And if by chance they are not in your life anymore, cherish the memories and be thankful for the time that they were present in it. A lot of us would not be who we are today without that one person to show us the light of our ways. There are far too many times we are remembering the hurt and pain but can’t seem to remember the greater & more joyful things that we have all experienced. The road to finding love will have those potholes. There will be times where you will feel disappointed, rejected, disrespected, hurt, or even violated. Don’t let that stop you on your journey. You will shed a lot of tears and have many frustrating moments. Striving for your happiness will not come easy. There will be times where you are going to lay in bed at night and wonder if you’re ever going to fall hopelessly in love again. I used to be that person. And as soon as I stopped looking, as soon as I stopped asking “When will it be my turn?”, love ending up finding me. Wondering, is this marriage going to work? Am I a good father? Does he love me for who I am? Will she see that I will never hurt her? You’re human. There’s nothing wrong with inquiring about your future. However, in order to achieve the maximum results, you need to go for it and never give up. Love is worth the fight.

When you love somebody, you should follow your heart. Sometimes when you are with the person you love the most, you feel confused. You don’t know who you are or what you want but that is totally understandable. It is natural to let go of a part of yourself to be with that person but the important part is that you don’t lose your own identity in the process.

♥ Anonymous

Another quote that I love: “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.” -St. Augustine

that’s me.

chanel — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 07:52:16 +0000

“phenomenal woman”

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

by Maya Angelou

the break-up letter.

chanel — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 00:28:55 +0000

Remember feeling so violated, so mistreated, so heartbroken when the person you loved the most decided that you’re not good enough for them? They decided that someone else can play your role better? I remember a time where I felt that way. I don’t know why I allowed him to make me feel like that. But I do know that parting our ways was one of the best things that ever happened in my life. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be where I am right now in my current relationship. See, the mistakes I’ve made in my past relationships, helps me strengthen the one I’m in now. So instead of feeling like the victim, I feel like the victor. The things that your ex hated, your new love will adore. Cry once, tighten up and move on. Remember: Never torture the next because of your ex.

“You Had Me At Goodbye” – written by Chanel Cheeks.

I’m so glad you were able to find me to read this. I don’t recall if I ever got this off my chest. But for emotional efficiency, I’ll go ahead and knock this out again. That night you left me. Laying in my bed, alone. Not one teardrop is falling my my eyes. It was 9:15pm. And I thought, finally…I can breathe again. That’s what was going through my mind the night we parted. It was so suffocating when you were around. Now I can do my normal daily activities without you hovering over my shoulder. There were times where I would fake sleep just to avoid conversation with you. Looking at you, especially after you just picked a fight with me, became more and more painful each day. Or maybe it was just your damn face that did it. Without you even opening your mouth. Your insecurities. All of your blame. The finger pointing. The melodramatic way you always made me the bad guy. Your guilt. Your distrust. Your lies. Because you weren’t able to get over me, you became a lying loquacious idiot. A true bitch in the making.

I cared about you, even though you didn’t deserve it. I satisfied you, despite of how unattractive you were to me. I trusted you, even though from the beginning you lied to me. I loved you, still, no matter how many times you broke my heart. Sometimes I wonder what did I ever see in you. Or why is it that the truth was lying right in front of my face, but I chose to ignore it? I learned the hard way. Over and over again. Silly of me. Did you know that every time I asked you for the truth, I already knew it? Did you know that 90% of the time, I faked it? Did you know that I never respected your father? Did you know that I was still in love with someone else? Did you know that I was scared to have a future with you because I was frightened at the fact that my future was going to turn out just as ugly as you?

Remember the time you called me, begging for forgiveness and for us to have a second chance? I had you on speaker phone the whole time so my new man can hear you. We had a great laugh that night.

Okay, okay, so you broke up with me. You’re the bred winner, correct? Wrong. Have you ever sat and thought of everything that actually led up to that point? Or what about the way that I pretty much let you leave? That wasn’t unusual to you? I practically rushed you out of my life. Was it premeditated? Planned? A fantasy of mine? I don’t mean to interrupt your conception of how things ended but, it ended before you told me “goodbye”.

Is this in reference to you directly? Or to the one I was with before you? Hmm. Good question. I’ll tell you what…..if any of my statements that I have said hit home somehow, and made you feel really guilty, then yes…I was talking about you sweetheart. Maybe not this vent in it’s entirety. But you were definitely in my thoughts while I typed this. Get in where you fit in honey. I’m sure you’re already snug though.

I was actually excited when you said goodbye. Finally, I’ve gotten the chance to get out of a relationship, without being the bad guy. How cool is that! Huh?! Because from the moment we got together, I knew it wasn’t going to last. Thank you so much for letting me go. I wouldn’t have, what I have now, if you never lost a grip of your manhood. Or lack thereof. It’s amazing how one man’s lost, is another man’s gain. You whine and complain about how there are “no good women out there” yet when there was one right in your face, you didn’t know what to do with her. So you left. However, someone knew what to do with her though. And he does it very well.

Ultimately sweetie, saying goodbye to me, ended up being the moment where I loved you the most. Thank you.

the ex.

chanel — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 20:54:40 +0000

What is it about that one particular “ex” that either makes your blood boil or your legs weak? They put us through so much shit, make us do things that compromise our self-worth and yet, we still run back to them. You bump into them at the mall and next thing you know, you’re exchanging numbers again. Come on over and watch a movie. Yes, I missed you. Yes, I missed us. Yeah, I have condoms. Yes, I still swallow. Want to know why? Because you’re lonely. Because we believe that they’re our “safety net”. Meaning, we don’t have to go through the “getting to know each other” process again. We’re under the impression that there’s some form of comfort there being that we’re already acquainted with each other. Mentally & sexually. We forget all of the bullshit they’ve put us through because we believe them when they say “I’ve changed“. Trust me, they didn’t change. The distance made you forget certain things. Like the way he put you down & told you you weren’t good enough for him. Or the way she used you for your money. Or the fact that he never introduced you to his parents. Or the way she always made excuses for her child’s father. They have recognized your vulnerability & took prey upon it. You need to remember why they are your ex in the first place before you even decide to take that path again. Most times, it happens right when you’ve broken it off with someone else. Instead of being alone, giving yourself time to heal & recuperate, you chose to run into the arms of someone who also hurt you before. Things are going to be good for the first few weeks, but ultimately, they are still no good for you. You can get good looks elsewhere. You can get good conversations elsewhere. You can get good dick/pussy elsewhere. Why only rely on that same person who has hurt you so much in the past? You think you can’t do better? You think there’s no one else out there that can treat you the way you deserve? It takes time. It takes reevaluating yourself. Give yourself time to think about what went wrong & the mistakes you’ve made. Once you realize that you can do better, you will. He or she will enter your life when you least expect it. You will be so relieved that you did not accept the 20% that you would have gotten, had you stayed with your ex. And that same “ex” will become the most unattractive person you know.

still single.

chanel — Tue, 11 May 2010 02:03:35 +0000

Excerpts from what I posted on my twitter tonight:

Being honest is getting me nowhere. If you carry yourself like a lady & produce great conversation that doesn’t include baby father drama, girlfriend gossip or material things, and you’re STILL getting the shitty results from these men, it is YOU? This is a serious question. What’s so hard about giving a deserving woman what she wants? Because the last woman fucked you over?

“You’re so beautiful, down to earth & I love your sense of humor. I’m so attracted to you. Let’s just fuck.” – HUH?

“You have a great spirit & I love kicking it with you. You just seem so carefree & loyal. Suck my dick?” – WAIT…

“I had a wonderful time with you last night & I loved kissing you. Let’s not speak anymore.” – WHAT?

Wholesome women need to get together and beat the shit out of “one night stand” bitches. They making it hard for us. I’m not going to sit here & act like being single is all peaches & cream. IT IS NOT. It’s fun to have all these men desire you & have your options to date whomever you like. Definition: temporary satisfactions. But when every month it’s someone different, because the last mother fucker didn’t act right, reality starts to set in. Is sex REALLY that important? Is it REALLY that serious? In a relationship, it is. But not while you’re just dating. What’s with the haste? What’s with the deceit? Why not go get a ho, instead of trying to conquer the classy career woman. Words & actions NEVER made me fuck. If I fucked you it was because I simply wanted to. Not because of persuasion.

NOTE TO SELF: Stand your ground. Remain celibate. Never compromise morals. Express wants/needs. Don’t look back. Be you.

And don’t feel you’re better than me because you’re currently fucking a man, with no real status. Your shit stinks too. Don’t feel you can’t take advice from me just because I’m single. I’m the main one who can detect an “ain’t shit nigga”. The men/women who stay talking down on single women are usually in fucked up relationships. Jealous because they’re STUCK. When have you ever seen a genuinely happy person throw their relationship status up in your face? Those people talk shit to you because they want to feel better about themselves & their own depleted commitments. Being in a relationship, being engaged, or being married doesn’t make you an expert or validates your opinions. That’s ignorant & close-minded as hell to retrieve info from one resource. You can get advice from both ends of the spectrum. Single people can give you insight about VARIOUS others. Committed people can give you advice about their significant other. Point is, everything that you hear, is about people you’ve had no dealings with. You still have to come up with your own conclusion. She’s telling you what happened with HER husband. He’s telling you what happened with HIS wife. What worked for them, may not work with you.

I am ready for love. I’m not afraid to say that. And I will never back down from that. I am patient & know how to take my time. I want companionship. Someone I can be vulnerable with. I want to need him. I want to dependent on him. I want to satisfy him. If you don’t express these things, and admit your desires, you’ll never get what you want. A close mouth don’t get fed. And if he doesn’t want to feed you, then why should you go hungry while he feast on everything you have on your plate?

Judge me.

I’m A Fraud.

chanel — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 13:06:16 +0000

Sorry I haven’t been blogging as frequent as I usually do. School just started again, and I have been spending a lot of time with some offline activities. I will update soon. In the meantime, I will post a throwback that I wrote 2 years ago. Some of you may remember it.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

epiphany.

chanel — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 04:08:15 +0000

Life and relationships are about acceptance, growth, commitment, and love. Every now and then, I always get an epiphany about my life that make me want to make some changes. This time it’s changes in how I deal with people, changes in how I handle my stress and changes in how I conduct my social life. It’s funny how every time I think I’ve reached a point of “perfection” in my life, I find a few errors that need to be fixed. It also helps when you’re surrounded by honest people, that are able to tell you “Hey, that’s not the way do to things.” You’ll never grow out of that sort of guidance.

It takes a lot more character to tolerance someone’s flaws than to point them out. Those are the same people that will tediously tell others what they “need” to do or change. Somehow those are the ones that are drawn to me. Excuse me but, have you ever thought that maybe it’s you and your inability to handle the brutal honesty that come out of these lips? I’ve already found myself & contrary to popular belief, people love it. Do you really believe that I’m going to be bent out of shape because you’ve just proved to me that I’m too woman for you? No matter how much you’re unable to “deal with my shit”, that “shit” is what makes me me. I’m not making anymore excuses for myself and how I am. I’m not the type to sugarcoat shit just to cater to your sensitivity. I’m not the type to baby you when you’ve fucked up for the 56th time. I’m not the type to hold on to someone (or something) that doesn’t deserve to be kept. You’re either going to love me or leave me alone. So make sure you close the door on your way out…

I’ve become restless. I know what to do, but the option isn’t available to me. And I can’t place my finger on how to make it available. I do know that I need to rationalize my thoughts and stop taking things so seriously. It’s funny how I thought I mastered my emotions when it comes down to relationships and feelings. I wonder why negatives are always thrown my way right when I’m smooth sailing with positivity? I believe when it happens, it’s a test to see if I have truly grown. To see if I matured. Well yes, I have. Unfortunately, I’ve become more numb with my feelings than ever. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It also seems I’ve learned to not allow my feelings to get the best of me. Which, makes me a bit less tolerable towards excuses/bullshit/contradictions. We are all humans I guess and we need to experience the good and the bad. We are bound to make mistakes while we trudge through them and then we learn from the ending results in every situation. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I feel whenever a negative encounter occurs, it’s just someone testing my current strength. Maybe to see if I am able to handle a greater blessing that’s somewhere along in my path. Well, I can easily tell you that my mentality is far beyond my physical years. I am completely satisfied with my life and who I am today.

Life is an on going battle between our hearts and minds. A lot of times we find our minds wanting and needing what our hearts don’t. Whether it’s a friendship, courtship, or relationship, it becomes difficult to make decisions. But before you can make decisions regarding yourself and others, you must first begin with yourself. If you aren’t living the way you should, it’s an inevitable drain if you bring someone else along. How can you find someone who completes your puzzle, if you have yet to identify all the pieces that you bring to the table? No one in this world has all the pieces to their own puzzle because it takes someone, the right someone, to complete them. You will know it’s the right someone, when both your heart and mind agree on it. I am so thankful for situations that bring about epiphanies and enlightened thinking.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.