I wish to formally announce that I am suing Kim Kardashian to stop her divorce from Kris Humphries. I am also suing Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.

HOW I IMAGINE THEIR “WEDDING” WAS PITCHED:

“I know! We’ll have Kim get married! It’ll be a ratings bonanza! We’ll bludgeon the populace with billboards and commercials, build it up across our 14 execrable spinoffs, hire some psychologists to help Kim and Kompany approximate the appearance of human emotion as they navigate the wedding preparation, split the actual wedding over two interminable episodes—even accompany them on the honeymoon! And the best part is, it doesn’t even have to be real! We’ll have Kris (Humphries, not Kris Jenner, Kim’s mom (though having her marry her own mom once ratings start to slide IS a great idea!!!)) sign a pre-nup that is also a non-disclosure agreement AND a waiver stating that if he even talks in his sleep about the “marriage’s” details, he’ll be beaten, drugged, and given a facelift from the same doctor who did Bruce Jenner, and then forced to walk the Earth terrifying children and animals for eternity.”

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MAGAZINE COVER OF ALL TIME
Ryan Seacrest is the executive producer of the 22 existing Kardashian programs. Please revel in this amazing quote from him, which recently appeared on the cover of PRODUCED BY magazine, the official magazine of the highly principled and ever-honest Producers Guild of America:

WHAAAAAAAT?! A lot of people toss the word “irony” around without really knowing its precise definition.This quote, from this person, is its precise definition. William Shakespeare would have been like, “Damn bro, I can’t top that.” I’m glad he’s been dead for 400 years and can only see it through a time-telescope that Leonardo da Vinci made for him on his 300th birthday.

THE MEAT OF THE MATTER

I digress. I guess I’m just nervous because I’ve never sued anyone before, and this is not a joke. I AM suing Kim Kardashian and the others mentioned above. It is alleged that Kim Kardshian was paid $18 million to participate in her own wedding. I feel like schools could use that money. Or health clinics in areas hit hardest by the recession. Or Pizza Hut. Or Bernie Madoff. Or my uncle Mitchell, who is a convicted sex offender making a living selling Percocet to the elderly in Rhode Island.

Also, quitting your marriage now is a rather public admission that you are very, very bad at the job you were hired to do. I will be surprised if the venerable fashion house Sears renews your “design” contract.

I don’t mind that Kim Kardashian got married. If gay people can get married, Armenian people should be allowed to as well. I don’t mind that she did it on TV. I a little bit mind that, as a non-viewer of any of the 61 Kardashian programs, I had to see the billboards every day as I drove to work. But I could forgive that if Kim gave her marriage a real go. I’ve been married for five years. To the same woman. I’ve wanted to divorce her at times. She’s wanted to divorce me at times. But one great thing about marriage, when it’s entered by regular folks, in good faith, is that it’s hard to exit. It costs money. You have to talk to lawyers during business hours except whoops—you have a job that you need to earn money to buy food and pants—so when are you going to both take the time to do that? By the time you’d have gotten around to it, you’ve forgiven each other and maybe even reached a new appreciation for each other as you worked through whatever seemingly insurmountable problem made you hate each other for 20 minutes while you sat in your shitty car outside a CVS yelling at each other and crying. Because guess what, Kim? That’s a huge ingredient in a SUCCESSFUL marriage. Sometimes it sucks. And I don’t mean lower-case “s” sucks. I mean it SUCKS so fucking hard you’re POSITIVE you’ll give yourself stomach cancer or an embolism as you try to make your spouse explode through telekinesis. When you relax, however, and remember that you’re a bigger asshole than they are, with enough neuroses and calcified bad habits to warrant their own card catalog, you realize that they’re struggling through life’s shit storm just like you. Then you take a shower together and fuck while laughing.

KIM KARDASHIAN, I WANT THIS FOR YOU. I don’t hate you. I hate your shows. I hate that I know who you are. But I could move to Patagonia or New Guinea and escape you if I wasn’t as willingly bound up in our terrifying modern consumer culture as you are. I know that under your unnecessary inch of makeup and Kevlar sheath dress is a heart that yearns for true love and could find and appreciate the pleasures in marriage that I described above. That’s why I’d like you to stay married. And if you won’t, I will sue you. Because when you wrap your marriage vows around a cubic zirconia encrusted baseball bat and beat us about the head and face with them, you can stay the fuck married for more than 20 minutes, you sexy monster. I’ll see you in court.

Rob Delaney’s - twitter
Sources:1, 2

1) “She doesn’t post body pictures, therefore she’s fat.”
When you take pictures of yourself, most of the time you’re focused on your face. Just because you don’t take a picture of something, doesn’t mean it’s of the negative. A lot of people believe it’s not necessary for everyone to see what they’re “working with” or to post pictures of their body parts. While the occasional party, hanging at the mall, karaoke pictures are posted, most people are not thinking about taking a picture to post online when they’re actually outside enjoying life.

2) “She’s photoshopped.”
Just because someone has great skin, or because they enhanced the brightness or contrast of an image, doesn’t necessarily means she’s “photshopped”. The baffling idea that someone would photoshop their nose smaller, or butt bigger is one thing, but to claim someone is photoshopped just because they’re actually attractive shows how insecure you are. Most pictures are taken by cellphones these days, which means the quality of the image doesn’t come out that great. Granted you have women that photoshop themselves beyond recognition, but most of the time, the pictures are just being touched up for better quality. People used to (still do actually) accused me of photoshopping. Of what…I don’t know. Truth be told, if I were to photoshop something, I’d erase these hereditary bags away. But I’ve learned to live with my flaw being that it’s a family trait. Now if I turned my bubbies from a 36D to a 36HHH, we got problems.

3) “Men that compliment women are gay.”
Wait a minute. I thought gay men don’t like women? Not regular men who are able to show a queen some respect. A man that shows women respect online is more than likely to be called a pansy than the one who sits around all day disrespecting women. I blame their insecurities and the fact that they’re unable to handle rejection. Or little dick syndrome.

4) “If you don’t post pictures of it, it doesn’t exist.”
Not everyone wants to show off their new car, son’s birthday outfit or engagement ring on the internet. Even though it’s 2011 and everyone post pictures of their birth control pills, there are still millions of people who still use a lot of discretion on the internet. I only like to share intimate things with the people I am intimate with. Privacy is the main reason you won’t catch me posting my child’s picture anywhere. I did it before on my website, but then a disrespectful comment rubbed me the wrong way & I never did it again. I don’t post pictures of my vagina, but you know I have one, right?

5) “He didn’t respond to you, he’s a punk!”
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but, a lot of people don’t get online to indulge in internet beef. Sounds strange doesn’t it! Especially if it’s with someone you don’t even know. To argue everyday, with the same individuals that you don’t even share the same air with, is ridiculous & a waste of time. Ignore ignorance. Sometimes it takes some time for a person to realize that. I used to argue everyday on AOL. But that was when I was younger & immature. After awhile, it gets tired. Monotonous. It solves nothing. The person still doesn’t like you, they’re going to talk shit about you regardless, so why not just ignore them? Trust me, it worked for me. Put it like this, treat these people like a rat in a house 500 miles away. It doesn’t exist to you nor is it invading your personal space. Like the saying goes “Walking away doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter, it means that you are intelligent enough to know when to quit.”

The diagnosis: The internet is the easiest way for insecure people to cope with the struggles they’re having with their immediate lives, self-esteem and social issues. So they channel their hypocrisy & contradictions via social medias. It’s your job to recognize who these people are, and stay clear away from them.

Bottom line: All Black men aren’t bad. You’re just choosing the wrong ones.

Sidenote: This also can be applied to the Black men stating that there are no good Black women. Look in the mirror dude and figure out that the problem is you.

“the best friend” written by chanel.

As you can see, there will always be consequences just when you think a person is gaining. The woman in that poem didn’t conquer. She failed miserably. She failed her morals, self-respect and her life by having sex with her ex-boyfriend’s best friend and bringing in a baby for all the wrong reasons. She was successful in so many ways but not with her relationships. No matter how you dress it up, it’s always wrong to get involved with someone one of your close friends, or family member, used to date. If any of my friends introduce me to a man that they say they have a “crush” on, I would never make any moves on him. Or allow him to do the same to me. It’s trifling and dirty. I am immediately turned off by him because I know how my friend feels about him. I will acknowledge the fact that he’s good looking, as approval, but that’s it. Personally, I don’t think it’s appropriate. So what if he made a pass at you? So what if she always bats her eyes at you and cries on your shoulder. So what if you were drunk. They are off limits. I feel people do things like this to achieve jealousy as a reaction. But little do you know, the friend you’re stabbing in the back will never trust you again. The ex usually ends up feeling betrayed and see you in a different light. Is your reputation worth all that? It’s bad enough you got your ex running around telling people about your relationship. So now he/she can add “slut” to that equation. Would you want your ex best-friend telling everyone “That bitch tried to fuck my man”?

I’ve experienced a friend (more than once) making inappropriate comments about a man I was interested in or went on a date with before. I’ll laughed it off but in the back of my mind, I got my eye on them. If I see a pattern, that’s when I will pull her to the side and tell her how I feel. I think most of us have experienced that. Where your friend’s intentions with someone you have interest in is questionable. I’m not sure what causes these things to happen. I can easily blame it on insecurity or their lack of class and self-respect. One thing I do know for sure is that may be a sign towards the beginning of a doomed friendship.

The only thing I can advise is to take heed and keep your eyes open. If the unthinkable actually do happen, you have all right to let that friend go.

I’ve learned to just really brush shit off if lately. Especially when someone has something untruthful to say about me. I simply keep it moving and continued doing what I do best….being me. Regardless of what I said or did, there will always be 2 outcomes = you either believe me or you don’t. So why even waste my time? Especially to frivolous insecure people who were dying to find a flaw or an error in my way, capitalize upon it, and then try to “rise” above me. Quit being so thirsty. Just goes to show that life must be really dull for them. I’m sure someone who dislikes me is reading this right now. Hi.

I’m not going to lie, it’s a bit disheartening if it’s someone that you used to be friends with. Or when you’ve reached the point where you have to say “enough is enough“. I guess as you go through life, and start to mature more, you tend to start letting people go. I’ve let a lot of people go this year, which happens to be the most I’ve ever done. However, I’m still at the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Which lets me know about my inner strength. It just sucks the way things have to end. But don’t we all wish and hope that things “end” in a good way? How is that possible though? Because if it was so good, it wouldn’t have “ended”. And the only way I end things is if I was done wrong. When someone betrays me, I usually investigate why they did it in the first place. Then I insist on working on that problem. But if you’re not willing to cooperate, then I have no choice than to let you go.

It’s not my duty or responsibility to change the minds of other people. The nature of their thinking is advanced or limited by their experiences with me. Or in better terms, lack thereof. In my presence, people have the opportunity to learn about me and, perhaps, to grow & love me. Some choose to take that route, while others decide to go against me. My only responsibility is the one towards myself, my life & my child. If you don’t choose to take my hand and walk these wars with me, then you weren’t worth it in the first place. Continue to judge me. Continue to take cheap shots. Continue to talk about me behind my back. Trust me, I am not pressed. Because no matter what, you will still be you, and I will still be Chanel. I will continuously aim for the top. The best. While you continue to wonder how I got there, glaring at me from the bottom.

Put more energy into bettering yourself, rather than worrying about & analyzing someone’s next move. Because all you’re doing is pointing all of their “so-called” flaws out when you are blind to your own. Just let it go boo-boo. You’ll feel much better once you get over it. I promise.

Cheers! :blog66: