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i am suing kim kardashian.

“I AM SUING KIM KARDASHIAN”
By Rob Delaney

I wish to formally announce that I am suing Kim Kardashian to stop her divorce from Kris Humphries. I am also suing Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.

HOW I IMAGINE THEIR “WEDDING” WAS PITCHED:

“I know! We’ll have Kim get married! It’ll be a ratings bonanza! We’ll bludgeon the populace with billboards and commercials, build it up across our 14 execrable spinoffs, hire some psychologists to help Kim and Kompany approximate the appearance of human emotion as they navigate the wedding preparation, split the actual wedding over two interminable episodes—even accompany them on the honeymoon! And the best part is, it doesn’t even have to be real! We’ll have Kris (Humphries, not Kris Jenner, Kim’s mom (though having her marry her own mom once ratings start to slide IS a great idea!!!)) sign a pre-nup that is also a non-disclosure agreement AND a waiver stating that if he even talks in his sleep about the “marriage’s” details, he’ll be beaten, drugged, and given a facelift from the same doctor who did Bruce Jenner, and then forced to walk the Earth terrifying children and animals for eternity.”

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MAGAZINE COVER OF ALL TIME
Ryan Seacrest is the executive producer of the 22 existing Kardashian programs. Please revel in this amazing quote from him, which recently appeared on the cover of PRODUCED BY magazine, the official magazine of the highly principled and ever-honest Producers Guild of America:

WHAAAAAAAT?! A lot of people toss the word “irony” around without really knowing its precise definition.This quote, from this person, is its precise definition. William Shakespeare would have been like, “Damn bro, I can’t top that.” I’m glad he’s been dead for 400 years and can only see it through a time-telescope that Leonardo da Vinci made for him on his 300th birthday.

THE MEAT OF THE MATTER

I digress. I guess I’m just nervous because I’ve never sued anyone before, and this is not a joke. I AM suing Kim Kardashian and the others mentioned above. It is alleged that Kim Kardshian was paid $18 million to participate in her own wedding. I feel like schools could use that money. Or health clinics in areas hit hardest by the recession. Or Pizza Hut. Or Bernie Madoff. Or my uncle Mitchell, who is a convicted sex offender making a living selling Percocet to the elderly in Rhode Island.

Also, quitting your marriage now is a rather public admission that you are very, very bad at the job you were hired to do. I will be surprised if the venerable fashion house Sears renews your “design” contract.

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internet politics.

Ever notice how logic changes when you’re online? Things that are normal in everyday life becomes “abnormal” once you hit the internet. The politics caters to the lack of logic and insecurity others have. Things like wearing make-up and catering to a woman are shunned if you talk about it online. Here’s a list of the most common.

1) “She doesn’t post body pictures, therefore she’s fat.”
When you take pictures of yourself, most of the time you’re focused on your face. Just because you don’t take a picture of something, doesn’t mean it’s of the negative. A lot of people believe it’s not necessary for everyone to see what they’re “working with” or to post pictures of their body parts. While the occasional party, hanging at the mall, karaoke pictures are posted, most people are not thinking about taking a picture to post online when they’re actually outside enjoying life.

2) “She’s photoshopped.”
Just because someone has great skin, or because they enhanced the brightness or contrast of an image, doesn’t necessarily means she’s “photshopped”. The baffling idea that someone would photoshop their nose smaller, or butt bigger is one thing, but to claim someone is photoshopped just because they’re actually attractive shows how insecure you are. Most pictures are taken by cellphones these days, which means the quality of the image doesn’t come out that great. Granted you have women that photoshop themselves beyond recognition, but most of the time, the pictures are just being touched up for better quality. People used to (still do actually) accused me of photoshopping. Of what…I don’t know. Truth be told, if I were to photoshop something, I’d erase these hereditary bags away. But I’ve learned to live with my flaw being that it’s a family trait. Now if I turned my bubbies from a 36D to a 36HHH, we got problems.

3) “Men that compliment women are gay.”
Wait a minute. I thought gay men don’t like women? Not regular men who are able to show a queen some respect. A man that shows women respect online is more than likely to be called a pansy than the one who sits around all day disrespecting women. I blame their insecurities and the fact that they’re unable to handle rejection. Or little dick syndrome.

4) “If you don’t post pictures of it, it doesn’t exist.”
Not everyone wants to show off their new car, son’s birthday outfit or engagement ring on the internet. Even though it’s 2011 and everyone post pictures of their birth control pills, there are still millions of people who still use a lot of discretion on the internet. I only like to share intimate things with the people I am intimate with. Privacy is the main reason you won’t catch me posting my child’s picture anywhere. I did it before on my website, but then a disrespectful comment rubbed me the wrong way & I never did it again. I don’t post pictures of my vagina, but you know I have one, right?

5) “He didn’t respond to you, he’s a punk!”
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but, a lot of people don’t get online to indulge in internet beef. Sounds strange doesn’t it! Especially if it’s with someone you don’t even know. To argue everyday, with the same individuals that you don’t even share the same air with, is ridiculous & a waste of time. Ignore ignorance. Sometimes it takes some time for a person to realize that. I used to argue everyday on AOL. But that was when I was younger & immature. After awhile, it gets tired. Monotonous. It solves nothing. The person still doesn’t like you, they’re going to talk shit about you regardless, so why not just ignore them? Trust me, it worked for me. Put it like this, treat these people like a rat in a house 500 miles away. It doesn’t exist to you nor is it invading your personal space. Like the saying goes “Walking away doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter, it means that you are intelligent enough to know when to quit.”

The diagnosis: The internet is the easiest way for insecure people to cope with the struggles they’re having with their immediate lives, self-esteem and social issues. So they channel their hypocrisy & contradictions via social medias. It’s your job to recognize who these people are, and stay clear away from them.

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escaping the torture.

I’ve never been a victim of domestic violence, but I can imagine how hard is it for a woman to leave the situation. To be honest with you, I’m unable to advise you a way to leave if you’re caught up in a physically abusive relationship. These are dangerous situations and the best answers you can get are either from a counselor or a police officer. Personally, I would leave that man alone from the first moment he hit me. Fortunately enough for me (and him) I’ve never been hit by a man before. I can’t just imagine the consequences he would have been faced with it from my friends & family if they ever seen me with a black eye, caused by some dude. Here is a letter that Karrine “Superhead” Steffans wrote recently in reference to her current situation:

I’ve been a victim of abuse all my life –– literally, for as long as I can remember. It is my norm. Whereas most people would run in the other direction the moment someone physically, emotionally, or mentally abuses them –– I stay.

It’s a sickness and just when I think I am cured, the cancer spreads.

For the past several years, I have been involved in a highly abusive relationship. I have been choked, whipped with belts, thrown about, berated, belittled, raped, and disregarded as a human being. I have been abandoned and embarrassed, then, loved and coddled.

I have been caught in a vicious cycle and have left on many occasions, just to return.

I have found little support from my friends and family because I complain, and I cry, then I go back for more. I go back knowing that, one day, he’ll kill me but he’s all I have. He’s the only one who understands because he’s stuck in this cycle, too.

When I try to confide in friends they ask, “Well, what did you do to him? What did you say to him?” They tell me, “You know how he is, he’s never going to change, so why do you stay? You know what you’re getting into. Don’t tell anyone because he’ll come out looking good and you’ll only make yourself look bad.” It’s always my fault.

No one understands – not even me.

So, I keep it all to myself and it continues. Then, we make up and vow it will never happen again –– then it does and I feel so foolish for ever believing he can change or that we can change. Then, I begin to believe again. I believe even now.

I love him though it pains me to admit. It sickens me to know that I will return to him in an instant and that the next time could be the last time and that breath, my last breath. Still, I hold out hope that one day we’ll learn how to love one another without pain. I pray that those who look on with smirks and judgments know one thing –– domestic violence is very real and, at times, very final.

Karrine Steffans‐McCrary

Now, while people want to judge her and suspect that this is a “publicity stunt” being that she has another book coming out, you may never know that this letter may help another woman who’s in dire need of some help.

If you, or someone you know, has been a victim of domestic violence, please contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at (800) 799-7233.

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