Taking a time out to reminisce on the past….

Sitting at the bar. Somehow I glanced in your direction. And at the same time, you glanced towards mine. We smiled. But did no more. The second encounter, we were pumping gas at the same gas station. Was this fate? You noticed me the same time I noticed you. Which brought us to speak. Which also lead to many more conversations. Laughter. Flirting. Sharing experiences. Understanding each other. You became my new best friend. Becoming attracted to each other’s mind. Physical contact; how invigorating that was. Twining, bonding and absorbing every part of our bodies into one. The memories are intoxicating. The times we shared. Irreplaceable. Our whispers. Our caress. Our kisses. The strength of our intimacy. We built a foundation full of love, honor and respect. We are one. You became my future. We made plans, you and I. Plans on being together. Forever. Your family was my family. As was mine. That morning we made love before we went to work. That night we argued over pizza and soon found ourselves kissing on the floor. Your friend’s birthday when we got really drunk and ended up sleeping in the car. The parties. The wild nights. Those walks. The dinners. Our bed. Pure bliss. I felt like I was in heaven. But then something happened. The negative takeover . You started calling less. I became restless. Rolling my eyes every time you gave me yoru opinion. Irritable. Frustration. Confusion. Is the love still there? The way I glared at you. The way you yelled at me. Less quality time was spent with one another. The conversations turned into arguments. Our Friday nights turned into “nah, maybe next week”. The intimacy turned into just plain ole sex. No foreplay. No candles. No tears of satisfaction. Just tears of grief of the feeling that our “intimacy” has become a task. You criticized me more often. I lost focus in you. We stopped grasping each other’s attention with little things. We started blaming each other for things instead of taking responsibility and fixing. The pain starts to sink in. Someone gave up. Someone became somebody else. Someone decided they wanted out. Someone, didn’t love anymore. The confusion. The tears. The heartache. The loneliness. Not having those lips anymore. Not being held in those arms again. Not having you look at me with admiration anymore. Feeling unwanted. Sad. Tired. Unloved.

Now here comes the truth. Years may go by, you will still be in my heart. The pain have subsided, but remembered like yesterday. Many will try, but you are still the best. Some may have gotten close, but you always conquered. Love, will come again…but not as strong as yours. I miss you. I miss your lips, your smile and your touch. I miss it all. Wait a minute. Did I really move on? Am I in denial? They say never go backwards. But suddenly, I want that feeling back. I want you. Or do I just want to be in love again? Is that my reality? Am I in love with being in love? They say love will come again. How will I know? They say you can never lose your true love. Then how did I lose you? Can I have you back? I doubt if you feel the same. Things have changed though. I can make it better then it was before. We can make it work. But are you even worth it now? Should I even waste my time? Matter fact, I change my mind. I think it’s best leave well alone. Maybe you were not my true love. If it was meant to be, it will be. It would have been already. Just like the first day we met. That happened with no struggle. And love should come without any force. Who knows what would happen if I tried, again. But I’ll pass. Want to know why? Here’s why. We may only have one life to live, however, you’ll only have one chance to love. And you had your chance already. Now, someone better is showing me exactly what real love feels like.

Strange how some of the most influential relationships you’ve had in your life can still be reflected upon years later. I don’t recall telling most people how I felt, or feel, when my heart got broken. Especially when it happened more than once. But pretty much, that’s the best I can describe it. It is often difficult to express and communicate the essence of what our inner world is experiencing, because we’re not always aware of what we’re truly feeling. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by good or bad feelings and this is usually shown by our behavior. Without saying a word. We find our feelings become invisible and we’re unable to do anything at all. It’s really our actions that translate the intangible mystery of our feelings into reality. When people ask us “what’s wrong” how come we usually say “oh nothing” when we know good & damn well something is wrong? Nothing is wrong but everything is. Makes sense? Reason why I usually say “nothing” is because I’m actually being closed in. Part of me don’t want to pour my problems on people and the other part is because I choose to keep negativity to myself. If I’m going to speak upon myself, I prefer for it to be the brighter things that are occurring in my life. I’m still a small culprit for having a brick wall but that’s because people tend to use things against you as soon as there’s some disharmony. In the alternate universe I live in, I find that amusing. In my reality, I don’t know if it’s all that entertaining. It’s hurtful. Some people believe if you don’t share all of your problems with those that inquire, you’re only limiting yourself from people that possibly care about you. That may be true. But there’s a stronger part of me that believes those same people will throw those very same things up in your face when you make them upset. It has happened to me in almost every relationship. Funny how the people you care about would be the ones to make that wall even stronger by betraying you. By breaking your heart.

I don’t get upset at what was said or how a relationship ended. It’s the intention behind their words & actions that bother me. I’m women enough to admit that I am afraid of being hurt ever again. For my heart to be broken. To the point where I’ve become numb & scared. I guess it’s time to break down that wall and let my feelings flow again in a healthy way. Or perhaps subconsciously, I have a hidden agenda. And just to clarify things, I am still open to love. I’m just more careful as to whom deserves to get that love from me.