Commitment | chanel.

marrying for love.

What ever happened to “til death do us part”? Not til divorce do us part. So many people are getting married, then divorced, nowadays like it’s the new trend. I’ve watched others go through a horrible marriage all because they thought the person they married was “the right one for them”. Or “we’re having a baby so why not”. Or the played out excuse = “we’ve been through so much together”. Wrong. My car and I been through a lot together. My gold pumps and I been through a lot together. You have to battle yourself with these dilemmas to be certain that you are making the right decision. Sometimes God throws a giant monkey wrench into our relationships to show us that this is not the one for you. He does it to me all the time. Ironically, that’s the only way I can give up someone I care about.

With that being said, why are you signing a prenuptial agreement? I think that’s the most ridiculous thing to ever agree to. You’re pretty much stating that you both are planning for your marriage & divorce at the same time. And in the most utmost selfish way. The word “pre-nup” taints marriages. If you have to think twice about marriage, there is no reason to get married. How would you feel if you helped someone build their empire, support it for 10 years and have to walk away from it all with nothing just because they don’t want you anymore? That’s why before you decide to marry someone, you need to know that you are able to commit to that person for the remainder of your life. If you feel that insecure/negative about the woman you choose to marry, then you have no business marrying her. Marriage is about supporting each other for the rest of your life. Therefore, if you end that marriage before death, you are still owed that support.

A lot of guys seem to be in the habit of “dating” for long periods of time (2-5 years) then suddenly deciding they do not want to marry “you” or be with “you” anymore. I don’t understand why people will waste that much time in a relationship just to have a companion. Ideally, I think you should know after 2 years if you want to marry someone or not. Kyle & I have been living together for almost a year now and we already know that we’re going to be together forever. There’s no doubt in my mind how that man feels about me because he tells me all the time. A couple that’s been together for at at least 2 years should know whether or not they’re going to be together for the rest of their life. Especially if you’re over the age of 25. At this point, you should know who you are, what you want and the type of mate you want to be with. Indeed, it’s very hard to look into someone eyes and just know for a fact that they’re the perfect match for you. That genuinely, they are the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. That your souls are bonded together. However, it shouldn’t take 5 years to realize such. It shouldn’t take 3 kids and living together for 8 years to figure it out.

People throw the term “soul mate” around very loosely. Calling someone your soul mate is just as strong as telling them you’re in love with them. May be even stronger than love. Can you see yourself marrying that person? Sharing all of yourself with this person? Bearing their children? Accepting all of their flaws & embracing them as unique gifts without penalizing them about it? If not, then they are not your soul mate. With the divorce rate spilling over 50% in America, it’s time that we stop, look & listen to our minds & hearts before making such hasty decisions. The only person we should marry is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Not for financial advancements or because you feel this person is your last resort.

women that men should avoid?

I came across this interesting article:

THREE TYPES OF WOMEN THAT MEN SHOULD AVOID

When it comes to relationships, women will spend a lifetime avoiding men until she finds Mr. Right. On the other hand, men will find Mrs. Right after spending a lifetime dating and sleeping with as many women as they can. In the process of finding the right one, people get involved in relationships that they had no business being part of in the first place. In a man’s case, they often get in those relationships because they are thinking with their eyes and penises. There are three types of women that men should avoid despite the apparent attraction.

The Never Single Girl
Here’s a girl who seems normal. She’s pretty, smart, has a great sense of humor and has all the intangibles that guys like. All her life she’s had a boyfriend. She barely knows what it’s like to be single. She just recently broke up with her boyfriend and now has her eyes set on you. It seems like an opportunity you don’t want to turn down. Turn it down my friend. This girl is needy. She needs the comfort of having a man. She’s an emotional train wreck waiting to happen and a “cling-on”. You have to call her all day & spend every single bit of free time with her. The wallpaper on her phone, the wallpaper on her laptop, her Twitter avatar & Facebook profile picture is of you two. It’s cute but that’s only after two weeks. It’s more than likely that she is insecure which can lead to jealousy. If a girl’s number pops up on your phone, you receive an “I miss you” tweet, smile at another woman or lord forbid hug someone too long, all hell will break loose. She can easily go from yielding a knife and wanting to kill you to crying in your arms. Then there’s the competition in her head. Because she gets into relationships so frequently, she will compare you to her last. Instead of you developing in this relationship at your pace, she may be expecting you to develop at his pace and you might not even know it. This girl may have the characteristics you like but don’t rush into it. Actually, don’t let her rush into it.

The Drunken Hot Girl
You can’t keep your eyes off of her. Her hair is long, her dress is short, her lips are glossy and she has the attention of every guy in the room. At the club, she dances on top of couches with a glass of champagne in her hand sometimes pulling her dress down. She has modeling pics but never really models. Her list of boyfriends look like the nominees for the Espy’s and MTV Music Awards. Somehow, you have her attention and she likes you. Run! If you’re famous or a “baller”, understand that she is into you for your fame and money. Nothing else. She wants to enjoy the perks of dating someone as famous as you are. Trips to award shows, great seats at the ball game, pictures of you two on blog sites, etc. She’ll never help you invest your money but will definitely show you how to blow $20,000 at Louis Vuitton. If you happen to be the average guy who gets with her, you are in for the ride of your life. Most likely, this girl doesn’t work and so she is dependent on you. She’s going to have a taste for the finer things. Birkin bags, Louboutin shoes & Mandalay dresses. You better believe that if she wants Italian, it’s going to be Scarpetta and not Olive Garden. Then there’s the joint bank account, which eventually, will turn one bum into two bums. Her lifestyle is rich in glitz & glamour. Is yours?

Ms. Super Independent
She is the perfect woman. She has it all together. She’s beautiful. She can cook and clean. She has her own house and car. She is smart. Graduated with her bachelor’s in 2 1/2 years and was able to garner 2 Master’s degrees. She’s now working on her PhD. She currently holds an executive position at her job. This is the woman you should be with, if you’re as or more successful than she is. If you’re not, don’t date her until you are. Why? Successful women are strong characters. They’ve worked all their life to be independent so that they don’t need you. Everything she does and everything she works for has to be top notch, including her man. If she happens to follow her emotional inclination and dates you because she likes your personality, problems may arise later. She’s going to feel the need to carry the relationship, making you feel less like a man. She’s going to do things for herself that you won’t be able to, once again, striking a blow to your ego. More than likely, powerful men who share similar drive, ambition, and success surround a woman of her stature. You might not measure up. Eventually, you might get looked down upon. If her friends are as successful, they may convince her to ditch you for a “better” man. For the most part, this is the woman you want but you should definitely get your life together before pursuing her.

Everyone has someone that fits his or her wants and needs. It’s about self evaluating and determining who you are, what you have and then figuring out what you want and need. Relationships today are beyond just romance. Couples today have to match up physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially. If you know who you are and know what you’re looking for, you will be able to choose from a select pool of people and increase your chances of finding the right person for you.

I’m A Fraud.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging as frequent as I usually do. School just started again, and I have been spending a lot of time with some offline activities. I will update soon. In the meantime, I will post a throwback that I wrote 2 years ago. Some of you may remember it.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

would i commit to myself?

If you have a desire to settle down & be in a commitment, you have to ask yourself: Would I commit to myself? Am I doing my best to receive the best? Am I giving my all to receive his all? Did I achieve being the best I can be for myself before expecting the same from her? If not, why are we pawning ourselves off on someone else. We need to take time to do some homework on self-love, self esteem and self-confidence. On ourselves. When we can pass the test of self-acceptance, the perfect someone who will compliment all that we already are will walk right through the door. The love and harmony within yourself reaches out and draws your mate.

Remember how you felt during the first encounters of someone you love? Didn’t you deny your own feelings? You smile when you see them and you close your eyes when you think about their voice. Every conversation feels like the first one. You’re completely fascinated by the way they make you feel. The thought of their kiss raises goose bumps as you lick your lips. You talk on the phone everyday. You want to see each other everyday. You want to be held everyday. You miss their caress. You miss their warmth. You miss their body. But sex hasn’t even been introduced yet. Everything moved so fast and out of nowhere you have feelings for this individual. You feel supported and they heighten your energy at the thought of seeing each other again. You’re not in love and you’re not infatuated. But you are feeling something. Yet you can’t pinpoint it. In just a matter of days you already know what they’re about to say next & an extensive amount of care appeared out of nowhere. Is there a title for this feeling? Or are you in denial of something else?

We, as people, were brought up to feel almost as if we need other people to feel secure and people we can depend on. Kind of sucks…in my opinion. There is something about being with someone who just makes your heart jump when you see them; someone who you can chill with and sex not always be an option; someone who you can argue with you, but still know that in the end, you will still have their voice to hear. There are a lot more things…like how some of the best moments with the person can be some of the most silent. Words don’t have to be said to feel like you are at ease with the person.

Eliminating bad choices: The art of mind-vs-heart is such an incredible power that it literally expands whatever it touches. When we’re faced with a challenge, obstacle or problem, our tendency is to nurture it. Our thinking process harbors the situation while our hearts…simply tells us different. We talk about it, but we don’t come to a solution. We describe it vividly, but are unable to recognize it when it’s in our face. We monitor its progress day by day, imagining how much it’s growing & how it’s effects are devastating every aspect of our lives. Yet we still allow it to. You know what we’re doing? We’re giving it more value than it’s worth. We’re settling due to our selfishness. Where do we find that strength to stop it before we hurt ourselves? As I type this, it dawns on me. It all makes perfect sense. I’m being tested by God. The highest of all high is testing me to see if I can truly make the right long-term decisions instead of just living for today. I simple adore being embraced, appreciated & loved for the woman I am. But what do you do when it’s all coming from the right person at the wrong time? I’ve grown to notice that the most beautiful things happens at the most inconvenient times in our lives. It gets to the point where you have to pick, choose and then eliminate one of those beautiful things. We can think, speak and bring the best possible outcome into existence by focusing on where we’re going, not on where we think we are. Think about it…how far can you go living for today instead of catering to your future happiness? Best things happens to those who wait huh? But what if you’re tired of waiting? What if, you end up having faith into the number one thing you don’t believe in? They say everything happens for a reason right? Well maybe this time, I think I’m going to go against the grain and just see what exactly is the reason why this is happening to me. I personally believe I was hand picked to endure questionable events. I always tell folks you’re strong, positive & faithful attitude will only bring you good. Nothing more, nothing less. When you entertain & focus on the problem, the problem will only get bigger. Funny how you end up doing the exact opposite of what you preach. Ah well, that’s life I guess huh?

giving up.

January 8, 2009
27 Comments
love & relationships
Botswana, commitment, denial, relationship

So many people give up on finding love or pursuing a potential relationship. They either use their career, age or financial status as an excuse to not allow their feelings flow naturally. To not allow themselves to branch out and meet new people. To not commit to what’s good right in front of them. It’s amusing to watch someone react towards their own feelings. I’ve noticed that some people are unable to deal with their own emotions. They sometimes run from how their feelings and/or even push the person away. I’m not sure why people do this. Ever heard the excuse “I’m not trying to be in a relationship until I _______” and the reason is always something that has nothing to do with companionship? That never made sense to me, unless it’s a personal goal like “Wait until I move out of Botswana and come live in America before we get married”. Excuses like “oh I want to finish college first” or “no, I need to clear my debt first before I commit to you” are just that. Excuses. More than likely, in my opinion, that’s just a polite way to reject you. You do, however, have the ones who are scarred, hurt or still haven’t gotten over their last relationship, and use that as a crutch to not being able to continue on. These people to me are guilty of 2 things: 1) not getting over it and 2) not being fair to their new love interest. In that fairness, they should opt to not get involved with anyone until they fully get over their commitment issues. If they do, knowing that their issues may & will affect their mate, that’s how you know selfishness has shown itself and they are only looking out for their best interest. Not yours. using you as a “past time”, if you will.

Love have mysterious ways to overpower your emotions. It’ll make you adore someone to the fullest and then hate them within a heartbeat. Especially at the end of a relationship, which can also be the beginning of a new, improved you. After a break-up, you ever realize how much energy that relationship sucked out of you? It literally feels as if they sucked the life out of you. After they’re gone, it almost feels as if your blood is rejuvenating it’s circulation. And of course (not immediately after they leave) it took a while to recover from the devastation of being forced to start over. But when you do, you realize there were sides of yourself dying to be expressed. That’s exactly how I felt when my heart was broken. Boy was he the love of my life then. Nevertheless after we broke up, slowly and surely, my life became so different. Same goes for any relationship you’re in (friendship, dating, etc). As soon as you disassociated yourself from someone, you feel 5 more pounds lifted off your back. Ever notice you don’t get much shit done when you have your head up in the clouds, eyes wide shut? Not even focusing on reality. Now that’s when I feel being involved with someone will effect your life in a negative way. I’ve seen women call out from work for days over a broken heart. I can’t lie, I failed a couple of classes back in the day because of a broken heart. I couldn’t focus on my studies AT ALL. That’s when I knew I needed to wake up and smell the roses. He’s no longer there, probably with his new bitch, get over it, get up and continue living on with my life. One of the best motivations I gave myself was reminding myself that he’s most likely out there not giving a rats ass about me. All those tears I’ve shed whilst he’s celebrating his renewed single life? Come on people, we got to do better. I did better. That was 8 years ago. And when I came across one of my old photo albums the other day, and seen one of our pictures in there, I chuckled to myself. Back then I just knew I couldn’t be without him but now I’m wondering what did I ever see in him?

Take heed to these words if you ever find yourself feeling stuck. Life & relationships are not about being frozen in place. It’s about growth, commitments and love. Sometimes you may just have to fight for love because the other party is simply scared of it. And if you’re the person who’s scared of love, scared of fighting to make things work, scared to make the slightest effort to earn that companionship, you need to do some thorough soul searching. No one is meant to be alone. Life is so much better to aim for your desires than not trying at all. I personally prefer to try, and maybe get rejected, than to not knowing at all if it would have worked. I know, I know…easier said than done. But remember….the hardest advice to follow is your own.

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My name is Chanel and I love pink, tattoos and hair weaves. Mother of one, engaged, web designer, loves my cat Princess & my shihtzu Romeo. “Accomplish everything without fear” is one of my favorites quotes. I am not affiliated with nor do I support the illuminati.

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marrying for love.

women that men should avoid?

I’m A Fraud.

would i commit to myself?

giving up.

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