I have done a lot of soul searching lately and I have come to a conclusion. I’m at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down. I miss having that genuine companionship with someone who truly cares about you. I am placing myself on lockdown. I want to wait until I am in a committed relationship before I decide to have sex again. I’ve done this a couple of years ago and it worked very well for me. I want to wait for someone who I believe I can grow with. It makes the act more valuable and you cherish your body for someone that truly loves and respects you, possibly someone you’ll spend your life with. It’s also safer. Too many men are sticking their dicks in the wrong places, on a consistent basis. Where’s the monogamy? Where’s your self-respect and self-awareness for your health, as if HIV/AIDS doesn’t exist in your world. The reason why HIV spread throughout so many women is because so many men are having sex with multiple partners. Men will ignorantly argue that women are more promiscuous. The truth is, men are more prone to have sex with more than one partner whereas a woman would have a lot of sex with one partner. It’s psychologically proven. At the same time, we as women need to be more responsible and careful in not allowing that to happen. I know we all have slipped up a few times, however, there are ways to ensure that doesn’t happen again.
How? Raise your standards, raise your relationship goals and don’t be afraid to say “no”. If he/she cannot understand that or sustain sanity, then that means you don’t need them.
I guess you can say I’m celibate now, however, i do not want to wait until marriage. I want to ensure that my next partner is with someone I truly love. To be seen for lifelong aspects. I want to be as pure as I am able to be for when that event happens. I want my body to react the same way it did when I was first fell in love. That feeling is so hard to capture if you’re not looking in the right places. I wanted to be touched in a place in my heart & soul. When I look into his eyes, I will know that he is the one. Even before “love” and sex presents itself. Which is exactly what I’m looking for. And I know it won’t be an easy road. While you’re cruising down that path, men are going to come and go like that *snap*. You have to weed out the good from the bad. I hate being disappointed when I find out that “he’s” not the one. But I have to remind myself that when I end up with a short-term relationship it’s because I’m in preparation for something better.
When that day finds me, that means I’ve completely allowed myself to accept the reality that my soul mate exists and that someone will appreciate everything that I have to offer. Without being scared. Without feeling tied down. Without the excuses of why it’s hard to commit to one person. I want to be simply adored, embraced, appreciated & loved for the woman I am. Not for the woman who knows how to make you feel good.
Before, my vision was crippled and disoriented because I was doing the wrong things, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. Now, I can truly make the right long-term decisions for my heart, instead of just living for today.
By T, April 21, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Another good post. I am at the same point in my life. I have been a tom-boy all my life and many guys find that I’m too much of a sports person or whatever and that’s a turn off. I’ve finally gotten to the point of saying if he needs me to change ANYTHING about myself to please him then we are not the marrying type.
If a guy really loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of your life then he would except EVERYTHING whether good or bad about you so that he can just love you for the spirit you house within.
Thanks for this post!
By chanel, April 21, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Indeed. And I just raised the bar on that for myself.
By Amber, April 21, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Are we kindred spirits. Did I not JUST blog about this?
LOL.
I’m on hiatus now tho.
LOVE!
By chanel, April 21, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I need to go ahead and check your blog before I decide on a topic for mine, lol. :blogiii:
By Angel, April 21, 2009 at 6:52 pm
:blogyj: Congrats for being able to make such a strong life decision for yourself. I feel as females we somehow connect sexual experiences with emotional love way too quickly. We often feel as if a man has a few kind words to say or does a few kind gestures, that the person loves us.
As cheesy as it sounds, we do give a part of ourselves when having sex. If that person cannot cherish us the way we deserve to be cherished, we end up more broken than before. I really respect you and others who make these decisions. In the end, it becomes more and more evident to others that you are priceless. You can be bought physically or half-heartedly, but with true genuine compassion. I wish you all the best.
By Amber, April 21, 2009 at 7:07 pm
BTW – prepare for every man you ever gave some to to come out the woodworks… Just an FYI
By chanel, April 21, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I’m not even in contact with them anymore. When I clean house, I CLEAN HOUSE.
By tiff, April 22, 2009 at 4:51 am
And that’s how it should be. Sex without love is pointless.
By Kari, April 22, 2009 at 1:05 pm
You make great points, sex with love feels way better and is better.
By Nile, April 22, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I find is disheartening when I hear people brag about their sex life…with whom and how many. It tends to just make me shut off listening to them.
It is great that you are re-examining your standards and re-doing them. I did and I can agree with you that it is for the best. There are so many things and having too much of something is not just dangerous but de-sensitizing.
By Kia, April 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I think that I want to do the same thing. When you rush into things too quickly, especially sex, it ruins things. You don’t take the time to get to know the other person, yourself, or who you are in relation to that person. Things also worked out better for me when I wasn’t active so perhaps drawing back the reigns and not being afraid to want more and have higher standards will make the difference. Thanks for sharing this.
By alexis b. ™, April 23, 2009 at 3:42 pm
i hope celibacy works for you because its taking a toll on me.
By chanel, April 25, 2009 at 12:23 pm
How long has it been for you?
By Arwen, April 23, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Using condoms also reduces the chance that you’ll put yourself at risk of getting HIV.
By Cara, April 24, 2009 at 7:53 am
I think that was a given. That’s why she said “I know we all have slipped up a few times”. :blogttt:
By Carla, April 24, 2009 at 9:20 pm
I think you’ve made a wonderful decision. That feeling you talk about, when you first fall in love, is one of the most wonderful things I can every remember feeling. I hope you find the right person that makes you happy!!
By Diana, April 25, 2009 at 1:19 am
Hi, Chanel. I think what you’re doing is really good. I gotta give you props for that. I definitely feel you on the sharing intimacy with someone you love part. I can’t see myself being with someone physically if there was no real love. You can get rid of the bustas and the scrubs. I hope things work out good for ya :)
By Amber, April 25, 2009 at 11:35 am
I think that your decision shows a high level of self esteem and wisdom girl. congrats. Personally, I have decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Just because I think that when you go there with someone you love, its this spark, this connection you feel maybe once in a life time. I only want to feel that with one person. And if I have deemed them special enough to marry, then something about them has my mind and body connected already, so we shouldn’t have a problem. But I think when you find that special mister, since you havent been with anyone else in the range before him, your gonna have an indescribable feeling too!
By chanel, April 25, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Aren’t you afraid that the sex isn’t good, once you get married? Sexual chemistry is very important in a marriage.
By Amber, April 25, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I think that if someone can master you on a level of pure mental intimacy, physical intimacy will come too. So no.
By Kristina, April 25, 2009 at 1:19 pm
well said :blogyj:
I 100% agree with this and found this to be true too.
By chanel, April 25, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I understand the mental state of intimacy. But what if he has flaccid issues or is impotent? What if he’s a bad lover, no matter how much you teach him?
By Amber, April 25, 2009 at 1:31 pm
those are all things that should come up in conversation way before you enter into marriage. You still reserve the right to be selective!
By chanel, April 25, 2009 at 1:34 pm
You’re right. I never thought about a man actually being HONEST about his sexual flaws. However, that’s very unlikely to find one that will openly admit to not being able to keep his dick hard, lol.
But I totally agree on these things being discussed before marriage. A true honest man should reveal these things.
By Amber, April 25, 2009 at 1:37 pm
yeah and if you dont get suitable answers, dismiss that fool. lol. You need to make sure you know all the minor details before you attach someone to your life. Especially by marriage.
By chanel, April 25, 2009 at 1:42 pm
And this is why I am not married yet. I have dismissed many men for this same exact reason. I want to know any and everything about you. I yearn for the feeling of natural compatibility and desire for love.I accept nothing less.
By Amber, April 25, 2009 at 1:45 pm
and thats exactly why marriage shouldn’t be rushed into. there should be no surprises.
By chanel, April 25, 2009 at 1:49 pm
indeed.
By nini, April 28, 2009 at 3:41 am
I totally agree with your post.
I’m waiting too Amber, not for marriage though. But the way I’m going, it might as well be with the man I marry!
By Ms_Slim, April 29, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Weird. My first comment was deleted.
Anyway…
New reader here. I found you on Leon’s blog. Glad I clicked your link. I love this post.
For me, I endured a very painful heartbreak about as real as it gets a few months ago and since then, I have definitely taken a vow of celibacy. I said, “until 2010″ but realistically, it will be when I am in that frame of mind again. when I feel again. When I am in something serious again. That will take some time as I am not one who carries her heart on her sleeve. And at this point, that is fine with me.
You are definitely right about weeding out the people that are worth it from those that aren’t. The one that’s worth it will be the one that understands how important this vow is to you/us and will make it important to him as well.
Thanks for writing this. I will be ‘following’ you now. :)
Take care!
By MarcyWebb, May 3, 2009 at 10:55 am
A period of celibacy teaches a women a lot about herself mentally, emotionally, intellectually. That is not to say that one shouldn’t self-pleasure. A great vibrator is a woman’s best friend.