There’s something I’ve been hearing a lot lately and I’m becoming a bit tired of it. Sometimes while I sit around and listen to women talk about what they want in a man, no excuse me..DEMAND what they want in a man, 90% of the time they don’t even have much to offer themselves. “My man better be making more than me, with a Master’s degree and he better be driving a Mercedes Benz“. I know you’ve heard it before. And I’m sure you notice the woman who’s saying that is working at Macy’s with her GED, trying to find her bus pass in her fake Gucci purse. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand having standards for your future mate and wanting them to have a little bit more than you. But if you’re not making efforts to heighten your life as well, I don’t think you have that right to demand so much from the opposite sex. Or turn them down with disgust just because he doesn’t meet your “standards”. If you want someone with a degree, then you need to have one yourself or at least in the making of getting one for yourself. Our lives and expectations of others shouldn’t be based on what they can do for us financially. Ultimately, I want my husband to have a degree also. However, I wouldn’t frown upon a man if he doesn’t. Who am I to judge? Being educated doesn’t always have to involve a college degree either. I know people with no college degree who have self-educated themselves by reading and doing their own research about the careers they’re in. It’s amazing when you realize being intellectual & successful may not have anything to do with the norm.
And this message this goes for both females and males. Because men do it too. I once had a man tell me his woman needs to have her own house and at least be in a managerial position before he gets himself involved with her, yet, he has an apartment and has been working for UPS for 10 years with no supervisory job title. How dare he? You should have heard him. He sounded so arrogant and condescending. I kindly reminded him where he is in his life because he obviously needs a wake-up call. How the hell can you demand for someone to have things that you don’t even have yourself? How would you feel if someone told you you’re not good enough for them? Because basically, that’s what we’re doing to each other, which is why it’s so hard for people to find successful relationships. A goal oriented, financially responsible, educated person sounds good enough for me. Who cares what kind of car he drives? What does that have to do with you? Who cares if she’s salary or hourly and makes $30,000? That’s none of your business. Okay so he graduated from a vocational school and not a college. He’s still certified in his career and HAVE a job. Being so self-absorbed will not get you where you want to be. Especially if you’re blind to your own “shortcomings” that you demand so much from others.
I had a friend once who used to always look for men in the most unstable way. When we went clubbing, she would “parking-lot pimp” by watching what kind of cars the men were coming out of. Then she wanted to sit by the bar for an hour just to see if a man will buy her drink. I used to tell her all the time that she’s conducting herself as if she’s a gold-digger (there’s really no softer way to put it) and she would say she’s just looking for “the best”. Oh so “the best” is defined by how much money you have, what kind of car you drive and if you’re buying a drink or not? I didn’t expect her to see where I was coming from because she was independent for only one year of her life due to coming from a family of success and then marrying an ex-NFL player. Our friendship was soon over after a few unfortunate events. I hate trying to educate someone who’s not willing to learn. If I’m telling you that your actions speak as a woman who will be perceived differently by people (especially men), you need to take heed to my words. If you’re always finding yourself trying to find or keep a man that’s lower than your expected standards, then you’re the one with the problem. Not him. If you’re always finding yourself with a man that exchanges money for emotions, then he perceives you as a gold-digger. He’s not trying to “buy your heart”. He’s going by what you presented to him. If you’re rocking revealing/skin tight clothing then a man is going to expect that you’re easy. And after all is said and done, you’re only going to pull something that will be very temporary.
I’m not asking to lower your standards, or to accept less than what you feel you deserve. But let’s be realistic here. Maybe I’m the only one stuck in this fantasy world where if it came down to the nitty gritty, I would choose emotions over money. Money doesn’t make a man. A degree doesn’t define a person’s character. Give people a chance for who they are and not what it may say on paper. You miss out on greater opportunities with that frame of mind.
By sweetlikepoison, October 12, 2008 at 5:13 pm
but what of the standard of wanting a guy with no children and no divorce? is it wrong to ask for that to be a requirement as well?
By chanel, October 12, 2008 at 8:07 pm
It’s not wrong for that to be a requirement but I believe we shouldn’t shy away from possible love just because a man does have a child, or happen to be divorced. People make mistakes and we shouldn’t penalized them for what they’ve done in the past.
By Mellow Nee, October 13, 2008 at 10:42 pm
MAN ain’t that the truth!
By Miss April Joy, October 14, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I completely agree. No one is perfect including ourselves
By Jazzie V, October 12, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I know girls that look at the car a man drives or the way he’s dressed too.
Back to that old saying money can’t buy love.
It takes sooooo much more to have a good relationship.
By Angel, October 12, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I think the problem is that people mistake “standards” for “demands.” Standards should usually apply in the the ethical sense. How a person carries themselves, how one views the world, or how they view you/others.
By Tosha, October 13, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I agree with you 1000% and have often preached the same sermon to many women that I know. Standards are one thing, but unrealistic expectations of someone are another. So many women are classifying a good man based on WHAT HE HAS, rather than WHO HE IS?!
It’s like putting out a message that it’s ok for a man to have ZERO integrity, no spiritual grounding and no respect as long as he has a job, a degree and a nice car or home of his own. I like to start underneath all those things. I need something to sustain me because a man that comes with all those material possessions had them before he met me, therefore, they are not my things, nor would I be entitled to them.
Ladies and gentleman better wake up! All that glitters is not gold! Good post!
By alexis belon, October 13, 2008 at 3:27 pm
that’s crazy, i never thought about it this way. like i’ve always had standards (as you know) but they never involved a degree, divorce, children or money. i’ve always just wanted a man open-minded and intellectually on the same level as me. i couldn’t fall in love otherwise. idk what makes people think they’re above another person. smfh.
By Miss April Joy, October 14, 2008 at 4:06 pm
This is so true. I actually heard a girl say that in order for a man to be with her he had to “double” everything that she had. For example if she has one car he needs two, if she has 3000 in the bank he needs 6k or more and just nonsense. Needless to say this chic is still single. You can have expectations but at the same time you have to be desirable as well. I love the look in the mirror title because its exactly what alot of people need to do, get off their pedestal, and turning down a chance of being with a good man just because he doesn’t have the nicest car or making six figures at the age of 23
By Shannon, October 15, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I’ve always believed that if a man is doing good for himself or trying to get himself together in life, then he is good with me. There are successful men out here with nice cars and lots of money who will treat you like crap. Some women can deal with that, but I can’t. I’d much rather be with someone who is doing good enough where he’s taking care of business and treats me good, than someone who has a nice car and money and treats me like crap.
By Charity, October 15, 2008 at 11:07 pm
I think there is a fine line between setting standards for a mate and making demands. Standards should not really include what kind of car he drives or even how much money he has. How a man is going to treat you is of way greater importance than how flashy his possessions are. I think it’s fine to have a standard as far as personality, but the rest is simple selfishness.
By aileen, October 16, 2008 at 6:56 am
this is quite an eye-opener! :pray: I believe its not what a man has materially that ought to attract a woman but what he CAN have. Us, girls should learn to see what a man CAN become. :blogyj:
By nadiyah, October 18, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I use to come across so many guys that would preach to me about what they have before the first greeting came out. I never really understood why they wanted to tell me what car they drove, how much they make am hour, and how much money they spend in a week. I later understood why they did this because my cousin acted like she needed any and every guy that recited these lines.. just to find her “soul”. I can care less what car they drive because it isn’t my shit… what should I get excited her.
Many of those same individuals that expect more than gold in a relationship deserves to be by themselves because they are literally being selfish. Of course they won’t see it because they think of it as “knowing what they want”. That’s like me saying I only date Hispanic men. It’s not fair because I’m limiting myself and putting certain people on a higher shelf than the rest. One day when they’re alone, they’re figure this out and change their thoughts about love and life.