experienced by, Chanel./

So…I was reading some of my old posts and I can see that last year must have been my toughest year for love. Or lack thereof. Now that I look back on things, I most certainly know that in each relationship I have been in, I was in them for the wrong reasons. And the one that I gave most of my love to, was the one to hurt me the most. I allowed him to derail my emotions on so many levels. Notice, I didn’t sit here and say “he did this” or “he did that”. All of the signs where there but I refuse to see them. All the hints where there but I refused to follow them. All my friends told me better but I refuse to believe them. It’s funny how when it comes down to love, no one can tell you what to do but yourself. Someone can drill “he ain’t shit girl!” in your head everyday, all day…but you’ll never see it for yourself and leave him until YOU find that strength to do it yourself. Upon moving on, at least I am able to see the light and know when and where things went wrong. Times where I thought I was in love when i really wasn’t. The post I’m referring to is titled “I’m A Fraud”.

Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…

I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?

Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.

I hope I’m doing the right thing…

Wow. Can you say “caught up”? I’m so glad I was able to experience those feelings because if not, I wouldn’t be so clear in what I want in a man, a relationship and love. I have such a strong embrace on love now, I take no shorts. Which is where I want to be. I feel sorry for those women that accept less than what they deserve or downplay the actions of a man. Fronting as if that’s what they want or that “it’s okay”. No it’s never okay to be treated less than what you’re worth. It’s never okay to remain somewhere when you’re not 100% happy. Even if it’s just a “sex” thing. Why give someone a coupon on your self-respect? If you allow to receive 50% of what you want, you’re giving people the legal right to only give you 50% of themselves. The neverending story you tell others as if things are how you want them to be are just a front. And you’re are only kidding yourself with those fraudelent storytales. Or maybe you’re trying to convince yourself. No matter what the circumstances are, we as women deserve to be treated how we represent ourselves. Unless you want to find yourself in a dead end relationship wth no real commitment to love.

It’s time to reflect on where you are and if that person deserves to be there with you. Love isn’t confusing. Lying to yourself is.