heart is filled with pastel colors and the delusional idea that everyone lives happily ever after. A girl can always dream. A woman makes her dreams come true.
So…I was reading some of my old posts and I can see that last year must have been my toughest year for love. Or lack thereof. Now that I look back on things, I most certainly know that in each relationship I have been in, I was in them for the wrong reasons. And the one that I gave most of my love to, was the one to hurt me the most. I allowed him to derail my emotions on so many levels. Notice, I didn’t sit here and say “he did this” or “he did that”. All of the signs where there but I refuse to see them. All the hints where there but I refused to follow them. All my friends told me better but I refuse to believe them. It’s funny how when it comes down to love, no one can tell you what to do but yourself. Someone can drill “he ain’t shit girl!” in your head everyday, all day…but you’ll never see it for yourself and leave him until YOU find that strength to do it yourself. Upon moving on, at least I am able to see the light and know when and where things went wrong. Times where I thought I was in love when i really wasn’t. The post I’m referring to is titled “I’m A Fraud”.
Yes…you read that right. I’m a fraud. I’m one of those people who talk so much about love, but is unable to determine it on her own. The ones that I’ve told “I love you” to, I never really loved them. At least, not the way I ought to. I was more in love with the fact that they loved me. I was infatuated with the way they cared for me. I lusted for them during the first month. But as time goes on, I started to lose that attraction. Then my patience starts to wear thin. By this time, I’ve gotten so used to being with this individual, I end up settling. Without even knowing that I have. Then that’s when it happens. Doubts. Doubts can break any bond you have with an individual. Do I really know this person? Is he really the one for me? Random thoughts start to surface my mind. Thoughts of who I wish he was more like. Thoughts of the good times I used to have with other men. Thoughts of the man that I believe to be, my ideal mate. Why I always find myself back in his arms? I don’t ever like to go backwards with relationships, but he always seem to be the exception in that rule. Like, no matter what we go through, we always end up back together. Like nothing ever happened. Is that what love is?…or is it something else? Is that healthy?…or is that self-destruction? Questions, questions, questions…that never seem to get answered…
I love you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I ever was. You know who you are. And it’s more than one of you. I battle myself from time to time and try to figure out why I am like this. I’m quite sure I have broken many hearts due to my own selfishness & confusion on what love, for me, is. And I apologize for that. The biggest hint that lets me know that I don’t really love the person I am with is this: when they threaten to leave, I don’t object to them doing so. I’ll sit right on down, and watch them go. Do I cry? Nope. Does that make me an emotionless bitch? Nope. Just means that I didn’t care enough. I did, however, recall one time in my life where I did ask a man not to go. I actually fought for him not to leave. And he never left. The same man who holds that mysterious power over me. And you know what, I hold that same power over him. But why do we find ourselves apart every so often? Is that sign that we should leave each alone? Perhaps. So, if that’s the case, why do we always find each other again?
Right now in my life, I am overjoyed. My career, my financial status and my loved ones are kicking ass. I am definitely happy. But obviously…I am confused beyond natural belief. Confused as to why I feel this way and confused as to why I made the decisions that I have made this year. I have no clue what to do and it’s scaring me. Usually I’ll have a solution straight off the back when I’m presented with an ultimatum. But what do you do when the pros & cons weighs out pretty much the same in either commitment? The worst thing I can do is nothing. I want to do the right thing for me. I believe the decisions that I’ve made in the past week were the best for me right now. I swear decisions have so much power. They usually take me to the exact place I need to be, exactly when I need to get there. Maybe I should take some chances. Take some risks. Follow my heart. Since time and opportunity wait for no one, my life will not stand still until I figure out what to do. I’ve gotten so used to the way my life is, and how I handle “love”….I’m afraid to fall into it again.
I hope I’m doing the right thing…
Wow. Can you say “caught up”? I’m so glad I was able to experience those feelings because if not, I wouldn’t be so clear in what I want in a man, a relationship and love. I have such a strong embrace on love now, I take no shorts. Which is where I want to be. I feel sorry for those women that accept less than what they deserve or downplay the actions of a man. Fronting as if that’s what they want or that “it’s okay”. No it’s never okay to be treated less than what you’re worth. It’s never okay to remain somewhere when you’re not 100% happy. Even if it’s just a “sex” thing. Why give someone a coupon on your self-respect? If you allow to receive 50% of what you want, you’re giving people the legal right to only give you 50% of themselves. The neverending story you tell others as if things are how you want them to be are just a front. And you’re are only kidding yourself with those fraudelent storytales. Or maybe you’re trying to convince yourself. No matter what the circumstances are, we as women deserve to be treated how we represent ourselves. Unless you want to find yourself in a dead end relationship wth no real commitment to love.
It’s time to reflect on where you are and if that person deserves to be there with you. Love isn’t confusing. Lying to yourself is.
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:blog22: I love rainbows! They remind me that some way some how we will figure this shit out and get the love we deserve. I’m confused and all over the place so I guess I’m a fraud too. lol.
That’s usually how love goes… The one you love hurts you the most. That’s been my experience as well….
This was a great post and I can definitely say that your reflection of your previous entry is how I used to be myself. Now that I have understood certain things about love and relationships, I refuse to settle for less, even if that means being single until I do find the right person for me. People say that’s being “picky” but shouldn’t we all have the right to be picky about people we let enter our lives and hearts? At least that’s how I see it.
Interesting post. It saddens me to see so many young women in relationships for the wrong reasons or even worse in relationships for the heck of it. I am a firm believer in being able to stand on your own two feet and walk through this life with the ability to make it one’s own before committing to another human being. Men are great, but they can’t be our entire lives. We as women have so much to offer this world. Great post!
I remember commenting on this way back when you posted it before and I’m glad you found some growth when it came to love and life. I think that is the main problem with women today is the fact they donot understand or know their worth so they settle for anything or fall for the wrong things and end up unhappy anyways.
Yeah you did have an in-depth comment back then too, lol. Thanks for recognizing my strength after that.
I love reading your blog. I love to see other strong, smart women, who aren’t afraid to state their opinions.
With love, usually the more you love, the bigger the risk to get hurt. Letting someone so close you to and then having them hurt you is like a million bullets to the heart. I guess love is for people with hope; no matter how many times you’ve been hurt, you keep going and looking for people to treat you right. And I believe everyone has that special someone. Eventually.
It’s amazing the things we can see when we are on the outside looking in, but the one right there misses them. Sometimes we see what’s going on but we don’t want to believe it, but sometimes we miss things until we’re blindsighted and it knocks us off our feet. I know I’ve ignored things, and I’ve been blind sighted in the past.
Either case, I’m wiser now.
Just dropping in to say Heyyyy! I’m always checking on ya even if I don’t comment. Take care. Type to you soon. :love:
Jazzieeeee. Thanks for stopping by! :blogiii:
Wow, that was a really deep reflection. I was once like that too, thinking he was everything, ignoring the signs and ignoring friends. how dumb was i then? to be in a state of denial and would simply reject any form of crap my friends would talk about my love life because i thought it was all a load of bull and then get hurt to the maximum form being so blind. ehhh… love.
you’ve made a really good point and i think i’m gonna go read some past posts of yours because this one sounds so defined. haha.
It is good to hear that you have learny form your past relationships and mistakes, I wish I could do that I seem to be stuck in a pattern.
Sorry about my spelling, I meant to put learnt from
LOL. It’s okay. I enjoyed giggling at “learny”. :blogg4v:
funny thing is; i remember that post. lol.
you live you learn.
I know huh? It’s crazy how your feelings and outlook change so drastically after a year.
Stopping through to show some love. It’s been a minute!
What’s up stranger! Thanks for peeking in and saying hi. Glad to see you’re doing well. :blog6:
It’s always the ones we give our all to that completely disappoint us and do the most damage. I was in this same position a year ago. I thought what I had was it, I thought it was definitely the one relationship that would last. Up until his cheating, lies, and lack of love came into play. I made excuses at first, but I knew I had to gain the strength to get out of it, and I did.
I’m thankful for my struggles, in the end, I came out on top.
It’s always slightly amusing to look back once you have a wholly better understanding of your life and your own self. I recently found my old Live Journal account from 4 years ago and found some little “love” rants on it, too. I had to laugh at how blind I was, but then again that is part of growing up.
On a side note, I cannot seem to locate your credits page. I always check credits when I see Mazeguy’s smilies being used, just a habit.
Who’s Mazeguy? Never heard of the dude.
And you can’t locate a credit’s page because it doesn’t exist.
Well there are 6 smilies here (at least) that are made by him, not you. You should credit him:
http://www.mazeguy.net
The sonic, Mario, Yoshi, Pacman, Cookie Monster and the tombstone I know for a fact are his. I think the Mickey & Minnie might be, too.
Oh yeah, and you stole other smilies as well. 21 of them are from Rellie’s set that she offered on her site. Kawainess.com. That’s pretty messed up. You should probably credit Rellie & Mike (Mazeguy) because making smilies is time consuming and it’s rude to claim them as your own. Especially when they are both famous and everyone will know that you are lying.
I never claimed the smilies as my own, I never said I created them nor did I steal them. And maybe they’re famous to YOU because I never heard of neither one of those people. I’ve been using these smilies for years so to be honest, I forgot how I even found them. I’m using a wide range of smilies. Even YAHOO ones.
Don’t you think this little 4am investigation over comment smilies are a bit, disturbing? It’s not that serious so please stop flooding my comments about this petty credit shit. Or maybe you should go email everyone I am “stealing” them from and see if they want to prosecute me. When you start paying my monthly fees for hosting and my yearly fee for my domain, maybe then you can suggest what I “should” do. Until then, back off.
Or if it makes you feel better, blog about it. :blogtt:
Girrrrl …. you know I have to be nosy. Who is this mimi person and why do they have their panties all in a bunch? I’ve seen these smilies up for download on so many different sites it’s not even funny. and I have most of them myself and I’ve never heard of neither of the people she/he is talking about either. I’ve had them for well over four years and through computer changes no longer know who they belong to either.
She’s just a bored internet-OCD chick that’s all. I’ve had these smilies for years also so I have NO CLUE where I got them from. I’m no stranger to people nitpicking through my site though. I tend to just ignore them mostly. :giggle:
no one deserves to be treated in a way where they aren’t getting any respect. i am so glad that i have learned and i know will still continue to learn, but from what my past relationships have taught me, i know enough to not put up with the next guys bullshit and i hope whenever he comes that i won’t have to go to another. i know i am young but there is someone out there for everybody. i am glad you have learned from your past relationships also. :blogttt: