I came across this list and thought it was hilarious. The top 25 ways in how to keep a woman happy:

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better”. This will keep her on her toes. And girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries, this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs – they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is…say “you better be”, & repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things…they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal these things and break them. This will kill off her spirit and mean she’ll remain yours forever.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words “fuck you” and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Tug on it HARD. Especially if she has a weave. Women loves an aggressive man.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket… then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet.

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR!

15. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her, as this will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. Girls love pranks.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order interrupt and say no she’s not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell.

21. When its raining keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say no its just the rain. Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to “stop crying you fucking baby”. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you’re listening to music on your ipod and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday but don’t get her something. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at home at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Then don’t call.