So many people give up on finding love or pursuing a potential relationship. They either use their career, age or financial status as an excuse to not allow their feelings flow naturally. To not allow themselves to branch out and meet new people. To not commit to what’s good right in front of them. It’s amusing to watch someone react towards their own feelings. I’ve noticed that some people are unable to deal with their own emotions. They sometimes run from how their feelings and/or even push the person away. I’m not sure why people do this. Ever heard the excuse “I’m not trying to be in a relationship until I _______” and the reason is always something that has nothing to do with companionship? That never made sense to me, unless it’s a personal goal like “Wait until I move out of Botswana and come live in America before we get married”. Excuses like “oh I want to finish college first” or “no, I need to clear my debt first before I commit to you” are just that. Excuses. More than likely, in my opinion, that’s just a polite way to reject you. You do, however, have the ones who are scarred, hurt or still haven’t gotten over their last relationship, and use that as a crutch to not being able to continue on. These people to me are guilty of 2 things: 1) not getting over it and 2) not being fair to their new love interest. In that fairness, they should opt to not get involved with anyone until they fully get over their commitment issues. If they do, knowing that their issues may & will affect their mate, that’s how you know selfishness has shown itself and they are only looking out for their best interest. Not yours. using you as a “past time”, if you will.
Love have mysterious ways to overpower your emotions. It’ll make you adore someone to the fullest and then hate them within a heartbeat. Especially at the end of a relationship, which can also be the beginning of a new, improved you. After a break-up, you ever realize how much energy that relationship sucked out of you? It literally feels as if they sucked the life out of you. After they’re gone, it almost feels as if your blood is rejuvenating it’s circulation. And of course (not immediately after they leave) it took a while to recover from the devastation of being forced to start over. But when you do, you realize there were sides of yourself dying to be expressed. That’s exactly how I felt when my heart was broken. Boy was he the love of my life then. Nevertheless after we broke up, slowly and surely, my life became so different. Same goes for any relationship you’re in (friendship, dating, etc). As soon as you disassociated yourself from someone, you feel 5 more pounds lifted off your back. Ever notice you don’t get much shit done when you have your head up in the clouds, eyes wide shut? Not even focusing on reality. Now that’s when I feel being involved with someone will effect your life in a negative way. I’ve seen women call out from work for days over a broken heart. I can’t lie, I failed a couple of classes back in the day because of a broken heart. I couldn’t focus on my studies AT ALL. That’s when I knew I needed to wake up and smell the roses. He’s no longer there, probably with his new bitch, get over it, get up and continue living on with my life. One of the best motivations I gave myself was reminding myself that he’s most likely out there not giving a rats ass about me. All those tears I’ve shed whilst he’s celebrating his renewed single life? Come on people, we got to do better. I did better. That was 8 years ago. And when I came across one of my old photo albums the other day, and seen one of our pictures in there, I chuckled to myself. Back then I just knew I couldn’t be without him but now I’m wondering what did I ever see in him?
Take heed to these words if you ever find yourself feeling stuck. Life & relationships are not about being frozen in place. It’s about growth, commitments and love. Sometimes you may just have to fight for love because the other party is simply scared of it. And if you’re the person who’s scared of love, scared of fighting to make things work, scared to make the slightest effort to earn that companionship, you need to do some thorough soul searching. No one is meant to be alone. Life is so much better to aim for your desires than not trying at all. I personally prefer to try, and maybe get rejected, than to not knowing at all if it would have worked. I know, I know…easier said than done. But remember….the hardest advice to follow is your own.
By Christine, January 8, 2009 at 9:26 am
You’re right, relationships are about growing, compromise, and love. If you’re not seeing yourself changing and growing especially in a long term relationship, it’s definitely time for a change.
By Babsy, January 8, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I really love your work firstly, but i know what your saying is more close to my heart then one would think. I am stuck in a relationship, im so in love with him that i just cant find the strength to leave him. And for the last two some odd years hes been holding on to the fact that his heart was broken. Ive spent the year, bringing back some of this lost feelings. Should i give him the chance or leave him..the choice is mine. But i cant give him up, ive tired. Hes a part of me. But the thing that bothers me is that he isnt gonna commit anytime soon. And the people arnd me expect it. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Advice would be nice. :D
By chanel, January 8, 2009 at 1:10 pm
You answered your own question within this comment. He’s not going to commit anytime soon so why are you still with him? How can you be “stuck” in a relationship? You’re not married, you two don’t own a house or a business together. all you have to do is walk away. Now, the hardest part is trying to find the inner strength to learn how to love yourself, without the aide of someone else. In order for him to be a part of you, he would have to aim for your happiness. And it doesn’t sound like he cares about that. Cut your losses before it’s too late.
By Babsy, January 8, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Dear Chanel,
Everything is right infront of me. Yet he makes me happy, he does everything in his power to make me happy. Im the first person he talks to after his family. After alot of failed relationships, i finally found someone who made me happy. And yet these few problems stand in my way. Should i wait or should i leave. Then again, i leave it up to god in the end. Because im going throu a very hard phase in my life, and i dont wanna make it worse.
Thanks for the Advice.
By chanel, January 8, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Ok, I’m confused. I thought you were in a relationship where he was unable to commit to you? So if everything’s going so well, he makes you obscenely happy, he goes out of his way to please you, as you’re saying now with this 2nd comment….the only problem is that he just won’t commit to you?
I think something’s being left out here.
By lovy, January 8, 2009 at 10:05 pm
something is definately being left out of her comment :blogoo:
By Lita, January 9, 2009 at 12:06 am
:blogyy: I must say that I am one of those who have given up on finding “the one.” I was hurt a while back by a guy who wasn’t even worth my time, but I felt that he was the greatest thing then. I since have gotten over him but can’t make myself get back into the dating scene out of fear of getting played again. I have used every excuse to not meet new guys (school, work, busy, etc.) but it all boils down to me being afraid and discouraged. I do get lonely sometimes but I feel i’d rather be lonely than picking my face off the ground again.
By chanel, January 9, 2009 at 9:31 pm
I hope you find the power to get back out there and start meeting new people. I prefer to try and try and try than to sit in the house, not knowing what I’m missing out there.
Hope things get better for you. :blog22:
By Wendy, January 9, 2009 at 1:17 am
You know, I was completely sheltered from all of this as a kid and was introduced to the real world shockingly fast and it definitely shot me down a black hole.
It sounds like your frustrated with people’s ignorance but the sad reality of it is that most of them have to go through a bunch of bullshit to end up at the point of seeing everything clearly like this. I like to call it immaturity. I can actually relate this to my boyfriend of almost two years, who has trouble with his emotions and feelings and tends to try and sweep it under the carpet or walk away from it. It’s so incredibly frustrating considering I’m the complete opposite.
I’m glad to know that you look back at a relationship that thoroughly affected your life and now can laugh at it; I can see myself going through the same thing, and I believe that it’s just apart of life now that you’ve got to accept, though I had a very hard time doing so.
I stumbled across your blog and had to comment because, well, I like how honest you are.
I’ll be back! haha.
By Wendy, January 9, 2009 at 1:38 am
LOL.
So.. I just found myself going through a bunch of your “writings” BOY OH BOY. I know who’s blog to visit when i’m acting like a needy girlfriend; that or life’s advice.
By Mara, January 9, 2009 at 2:09 am
Yeah, I can understand a valid reason for not wanting to be in a relationship. Being in denial is a big one though. We all know us females are in denial about something in one way or another, but men are too. I know we dog them out a lot but i just KNOW that deep down inside they have some sort of issue that they push to the back burner and dont allow to surface. Its why some of them treat us females so badly. So your words deffinitly apply to males as well as females. Im glad I didnt let the idea of long distance relationships work at my concience too much. I just dived into it, and from what I can see, I havent sunk to the bottom yet..Im doing fine and I love the relationship Im in :)
By Babsy, January 9, 2009 at 2:32 am
Believe me im not leaving out anything. Im as confused as you are..why do u think is freaking me out at this point. He makes me happy, yet he doesnt commit, hes still suck with his..your the best thing that happened to me, yet i dont completely love you yet, and it will take time stuff.
By chanel, January 9, 2009 at 9:29 pm
I’m sorry but you got me stumped. It’s been 2 years. How much more time does he need? Shit, 6 months is the maximum.
By Babsy, January 12, 2009 at 1:24 pm
my point exactly! :roll:
By Bell, January 9, 2009 at 10:35 am
Reading this blog was definitely a breath of fresh air.
By Jane, January 9, 2009 at 11:48 am
I don’t think that the excuses you mentioned were bad, I thought that they were completely valid. To love someone does not take any effort, but to show them that you love them and to form a relationship takes time and effort.
“Wait until I move out of Botswana and come live in America before we get married” – maybe they want money for moving rather than spending money on a wedding?
“oh I want to finish college first” – you have to study and revise and if you really want to do well then you do not really have time for someone else, especially during exam season etc.
“no, I need to clear my debt first before I commit to you” – maybe it is guilt, knowing how they feel about being in debt, they don’t want to make someone else in debt too, what is yours is mine type of thing.
By chanel, January 9, 2009 at 12:25 pm
“Wait until I move out of Botswana” – I said it’s acceptable to use as an excuse. I never said it’s wrong to say it. Of course, no one wants to commit to someone else in another country. Most times, who lives in another state.
“I want to finish college first” – In my opinion, you can study and revise and still have time for someone and still earn a 4.0 GPA. It’s when the drama & stress starts up from the relationship I can understand wanting to take a break from. I was living with my boyfriend while I was in school full time, worked full time, endured drama every now and then, raising my daughter and I still managed to graduate with a 3.7 GPA.
“I need to clear my debt first before I commit to you” – The only time debt should be an issue is if marriage is in the works. And I wasn’t talking about marital issues in my blog.
Overall, I believe you missed my point and skimmed my blog. My point is, if you care & love someone, you will try your best to be with that person and do all in your power to make them happy. Hopefully next time you’ll read my blog in it’s entirety to get a better understanding before you comment.
By Jackie, January 9, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I really love this entry. I couldnt have explained how it feels after a break up better myself. You expressed how you felt then and i could totally relate. By the way your header is way cute!
By chanel, January 9, 2009 at 9:29 pm
thank you! :blog111:
By Tara, January 10, 2009 at 9:59 am
Interesting entry. You’re right that love and commitment takes work.
Would it be awful of me to say that I’m glad I am not in a relationship because of the work and the stress (and the good stuff) that will come with it? I guess I’m not ready for one, but at the same time, I don’t want one either. I’m happy being single. In fact, I can see myself being single for a real long time until I find the right man for me. And when I do, I’m sure I’ll be more ready and more willing to put in the effort. However, right now, I’m content at where I’m at in life. Then again, I’ve always been a bit of a loner, so yeah. ^^;;
By Kay, January 11, 2009 at 3:25 am
Love always seem to over power me.I would say that I love too much. I’ve explored ALMOST all the aspects of it. I’ve loved with my whole heart, fell in love, tripped over love, got bitch slapped with it and still maintain my balance.
Commitment always seem to scare men. It’s like cryptonite to men. So yeah..I would say men have bigger issues than women. I’d love for a certain someone to read this entry.
By Aoki, January 11, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Im only 16 and I used to always want to fall in love and countless times I’ve thought I was but now I see that I never really was, and I’m not emotionally ready for love or a relationship. But I love this post!
By Rebecca, January 11, 2009 at 7:49 pm
i was ya 16900th hit :blog7:
By llate, January 11, 2009 at 9:34 pm
i know a lot of people who say things like they want to complete college and be successful in their career before they start looking for love. i feel the problem with this is if you wait too long, everyone else has a head start. the further you get into a career and success, the more pompous the attitude can turn. this means it might be to meet someone to equal (probably) too high standards. my biggest problem with the statement however is, it reeks of selfishness which is not what love is. if you you are lucky enough to meet someone before you complete career goals take them, because everyone isnt so lucky. and if you two come to success together, its just one more thing you can share and embrace as love unfolds.
By janelle, January 12, 2009 at 6:35 am
i love this post. :pray: i can relate to it for i have felt pain, anger and rage after a break up but after some time, i was happy again. also, that made me realize that i can survive on my own, i can be happy without a lover <3 and i can live normally even if i’m single. :blog558:
bitter? not really! just a single femme enjoying her life to the fullest :blog22:
By Shari, January 12, 2009 at 6:51 am
Sometimes I think that excuses like the ones you mentioned are only fronts of the real reason why they refuse to commit: fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of getting hurt…. Of course, we can never dictate nor push our own thoughts on other people on how to run their lives. The choice is theirs to make, and even if some of us don’t agree, well, that’s hardly our problem. ;)
By Roxy, January 16, 2009 at 1:37 am
I love reading your blog. There’s a guy who I’ve been friends with for awhile and it’s obvious there’s an attraction between us but we live in different states. I really feel like there’s something special between us but I am too scared to voice my opinion for the fear of a lot of things. We’re both in our 20s and working full-time so I want to take it there with him and see how he feels. Sure, I might get rejected but your blog inspired me to take a chance because knowing that I put my feelings out there is better than wondering what if. Thanks for all of your encouraging words.