I’m pretty flexible when it comes down to waiting on the greater things in life to occur, but when is it “okay” to just leave it alone and not look for it anymore? Have anyone ever told you to let love find you? In today’s society, that’s hard to do for a woman. In a lot of recent conversations with men, most of them said that they don’t even approach women anymore. That she must “make a pass first”. What ever happen to chivalry? My theory is, men always go for what they want. Real men. Regardless of the circumstances.
I have a friend, let’s call her Candy. She’s in her mid 30′s, never been married, last relationship was in 2007. Her longest relationship was only a year long, but that was over 5 years ago. She keeps asking me what is she doing wrong. The best answer I can tell her was “I’ve never been in a relationship with you so I don’t know what’s wrong.” I mean, to be honest, I don’t think anyone can tell you why you’re not married yet, or why you can’t find a man or why you can’t keep a man and etc. Obviously, if there are apparent reasons like lack of self-respect, having a nasty attitude and etc, we can always advise them to do better. However, when I tell Candy this, she still feels disgruntled and pretty much stated that she’s lost faith in finding love again. Every time she tries, it always fail. Looking from the outside in, she’s always giving 100% and end up getting about 50% in return. So she dumps them and start all over again. This has been her cycle the past couple of years. Funny thing is, I see other people go through it as well. Is this a new epidemic? Are men becoming more afraid of relationships?
In other news, follow me on twitter. I’m twitter.com/xochanel. I’m starting to like it now, but knowing me, I may end up ditching it in 6 months. So catch me while I’m hot.
By T, March 21, 2009 at 10:05 am
Ok maybe I didn’t read it well enough but I’m not understanding your answer to waiting on love to find you or you just going after it. I am currently and have been going through the divorce process since last year and just am at a stand still. There’s no one potential right now but I initiated the good for nothing relationship and wouldn’t know what to do if the next man came around….
So do you believe like Steve Harvey or do you think women should step up to the plate sometimes. Should I still wait until it’s been a year or just go with my heart?
By Jamie, March 21, 2009 at 7:55 pm
hmm that is interesting… Well i do have to say I have 3 uncles that are in the 40s that aren’t married yet. And each one of them say its because they haven’t found “the one” for them yet. And I agree one of these days they will find that special someone :)
By Monique, March 22, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I’ve decided to stop looking. I don’t really want to be with anyone right now. I have giving too much to other people in the past year. I know it sounds selfish but I do not want to give anything of myself to anyone right now. I feel like I have nothing to give at this point. I want to be single. I want to go do whatever I want. I hate feeling like I have to answer to someone. I’m on the verge of being single and I know it will be the best thing for myself as well as him because he deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him and I don’t.
By Lita, March 30, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I agree with you Monique. I have to let it go for awhile. I found myself giving my all to people who weren’t worth my time and ended up getting hurt. It is true that love will find you, I guess I was going too hard but single is the only way for the moment.
By Christine, March 22, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I think that some men are becoming afraid of being tied down, sadly. Glamour says differently, but I’ve been observing my friend’s relationships and it kills me to see them give so much and get shit back, and eventually end up hurt and upset. I think love finds you when you’re not expecting it. When someone isn’t looking for it. That’s how it ended up happening for me, and I’m so glad it did.
By Aoki, March 22, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Me, personally, I don’t know what TRUE love is I mean I’m only 16. But what I’ve thought to be love has isn’t so great because it never ends right.. so I don’t even look for it anymore. I don’t even like giving someone the time of day.
By Cari, March 22, 2009 at 11:07 pm
I think I’m way too young to be thinking about this kind of stuff. The only thing on my mind lately is school school school. I just want to stumble upon love without thinking too much :blogpp:
By Julie, March 23, 2009 at 8:04 am
I agree with you, real men go for what they want and approach women first. Just because roles are more equal these days, doesn’t mean men should just back down and let all women approach them first.
By Shannon, March 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Eh, I don’t look anymore. I do let love find me. I notice that in letting things flow naturally, I can weed out the unnecessary people and things flow better altogether if you understand what I mean. Sometimes, too, I realize that in a relationship, the other person may not always be the blame. Sometimes we have to look within too and if we can’t figure out exactly what it is we’ve done, we’re either blind to our own stuff or that other person really was a jerk. I do agree that real men go for what they want, but sometimes I get disgusted at how men approach people. “sup ma” That shit is old, dumb and ignorant. Some men push too hard and it’s kind of a turn-off. Honestly, I don’t really like if I KNOW I can get a certain dude, I like to work for mine too.
By iesha, March 23, 2009 at 6:37 pm
looking for love? REMEMBER! friendship goes along way. that’s the key to a male’s heart. most successful relationships were built from friendship. believe it or not you can have any man you desire. be his friend first. he’ll come to you and tell you everything you want to hear. BE A FRIEND FIRST! watch the results! -walks off
By Whitni, March 23, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I COMPLETELY agree with the commenter above! That is probably the most insightful comment that has been posted about this blog. Be his friend FIRST. YESSSS! I also agree with one of the other commenters about looking within. We often fail to realize that there are certain attributes within ourselves that cause relationships to fail, or attract the wrong person/people. On top of that we, more often than not, find ourselves lowering our standards or compromising for individuals who wouldn’t do the same in return. It’s funny how people (women in particular) will allow someone to mistreat and walk all over them, but wouldn’t have that with someone else, i.e, a friend. Maybe your friend Cindy should start out by only giving 50% or less and let the man be the one to give 100%. It’s way easier to let go if you can tell early on that a man is not willing to give or put his all into the relationship.
By Liza, March 23, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I was just thinking about situations like these, and how love was so complex and somehow leaves bad marks. Chanel you still have the most inspirational, and true words as you did when I used to frequent your website like a year ago.
I don’t know if you remember me, I had a couple websites, but I’m back online and I just wanted to drop by and say hi :blogyyy:
By Kaisa, March 24, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Well, I’ve never really looked for love and I think I’m far too young to settle down at the age of 24(even though those around me disagree). Just the idea of being in a ‘grown up relationship’ with someone and sharing my home with another human being freaks me out
By Felisa, March 26, 2009 at 3:22 am
Interesting that you brought this topic up. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile too. There seems to be this new trend of fearing commitment — especially in males.
It’s not easy to find someone by sitting on your bum and not making things happen for yourself… Maybe I should be actively looking.
However, I’m still a great believer in just letting things happen to me. I don’t mean to push my beliefs down anyone’s throat but I personally believe in God and I believe that He’s watching out for me. I think that if things are meant to be, they will eventually happen. Besides, I wouldn’t want to actively seek out and work on winning the affection of a guy who’s commitment-phobic. I basically just want someone who’s a friend first and foremost. So my take on this is that I don’t actively look for a guy… but if someone seems right (is a great friend… and is someone I’m attracted to), I wouldn’t hesitate to do things to HELP things happen ;)
By A.S., March 26, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I sooo agree with Iesha and Whitni. Be friends FIRST and take your time. DON’T RUSH ANYTHING.
By Jasmine, March 28, 2009 at 1:24 am
No one has ever told me that, but when I’m talking to someone and it doesn’t work out I tell MYSELF that. It usually helps me to not give up hope and believe that one day I’ll find someone that’s right for myself.
I agree with this post and that is probably the best answer for anyone wondering why they’re single. I mean no one really knows the answer besides someone who previously dated you and yourself.
I think men are getting comfortable with women who aren’t looking for relationships and are just satisfied with “friends”. As for them being scared to approach I’m not sure about that cause where I live dudes aren’t afraid at all.