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unfair expectations.

Have you ever wondered why people always expect you to be a certain way or to do things better than everyone else? They make judgments about what you can do & just move on with their assumptions. I always wondered why people have so many unrealistic expectations of me. I guess I should take it as a compliment but it becomes a bit overwhelming at times. Usually, I’m expected to be strong and happy all the time. People seem to look at me and immediately believe I’ve never had a moment of weakness. As if, I’m not allowed to embrace my flaws and be human for once. Yes I make mistakes. Yes I cry. Yes there are times where I feel alone (not to be confused with being lonely). I have my battles and stress to overcome just like everyone else. My main goal is to always aim higher for happiness because life can’t be better until we are better. Some people dress up to hide their inner feelings of inadequacy. Some people underdress to cope with their self-esteem. I don’t limit myself nor my ability to be free and live free. I live everyday to my fullest and love everyone the way they deserve to be loved. Do not expect anything less. What I’ve learned that all of these “expectations” people tend to have just leads toward a lot of disappointments. I can’t be “everything” to everyone. I don’t have all of the answers. So don’t get bent out of shape when I’m unable to provide you with one.

boringI have done a lot & have been through a lot to get to where I am today. And my journey doesn’t stop. What pisses me off the most are these grown ass men with high demands of women, when they are barely bringing half to the table. How is it that you’re in the club, flashing jewelry & “popping bottles” when you’re behind on child support? You require your woman to cook for you when you’re still living at home with your mother? Talking about “I’m just here to help her out.” Please. Help her out with what? Running up her food & electric bills? How dare you state that you want an “independent woman” when you’re sharing an apartment with someone else? I would completely understand if you were a single parent & you have full custody of your child. But most of these men has no children. What’s your excuse?

This doesn’t apply to everyone either. I am referring to the ones who are about 27 & older. Some may say over 25, but let’s be honest here. A lot of people spend a few years trying to find themselves & what they want out of life. Usually, we figure at out after we get through the “party years”, ages 21 through 25. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do with my life until I was 27 myself. But you best believe…even though some goals were not set, I didn’t have this high unrealistic standard set for the men in my life. I’m not going to demand a man to have his own place, if I didn’t have my own place. I’m not going to demand that a man have a degree, if I didn’t have my degree yet. Humble yourself. What can you bring to the table? Are you able to meet me in the middle?

One of the greatest downfalls people have is banking on the potential of someone else. We go through great lengths to understand what someone should do, could do, has the ability to do but is not doing. Expecting & assuming when you’re unable to fit the criteria yourself. It’s simply not fair. Take a look at yourself, see what you can offer, then make your “demands”. Especially if you’re blind to your own “shortcomings” that you demand so much from others.

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where do i go?

It’s hard to find someone that will listen to my own issues. When you become a reliable source, people don’t want to hear about your own problems when you’ve become the person that “comforts”. I’ve been told that I know just what to say & exactly what to do to turn the worst situation into a conquerable challenge. I mean shit, almost everyone in my life calls on me when it comes down to resolving their issues. I guess because I’m strong. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but since I’m so strong, where do I go? Who do I lean on? Where do I go when I’m not feeling so strong anymore? Take my site for instance. I probably get 5 emails per day filled with other people’s problems. And not simple stuff like “What should I do about my whopping cough”, but about deep embedded issues like family problems, parental tips and survival tactics for your emotions. Sometimes I feel pressured. Then other times I feel real funky and want to say “Why are they asking me?…Shit I got my own problems”. I’m not God (newsflash) so I don’t have all the right answers. Sorry. The only thing I’m capable of doing is speaking for myself on how I would handle myself in the particular situation. There was a time where I would take the weight of the world on my shoulders and then I eventually broke down. Those same people that scrambled to me for help weren’t even there. They were full of excuses to why they can’t help me. I could have gave you the cold shoulder as well when you ran to me all those times but I didn’t. I was there for you. Even if I wanted to turn my back on you…I couldn’t. But it seems as if I’m still waiting on the returned favor. Am I being tacky or am I being fair? I do for you therefore you do for me correct? Obviously that’s not the reason why I’m doing it but damn…can a bitch have some redemption? Why I’m always the one left hanging? Alone…

Those people aren’t in my life anymore but it still hurts just thinking about how they turned their backs on me. I don’t do things like that myself because I treat my loved ones as I want to be treated. I’m also very grateful for those experiences. Through those events, I have learned so many new things. So much about myself. From my loved ones, strangers, from experimenting and by just minding my business. Every new situation that I face in life, takes me further away from the negative aspects of my past. Some are painful reminders makes me believe I shouldn’t take chances. I shouldn’t take risks. But, like an embryo, we must go through changes in order to become whole, healthy and complete. We’re going to feel alone, confused or frightened during the process but it’s all good. The outcome of it all is well worth the struggle. In reality, we all are growing, developing, evolving. Go out there and be carefree especially when you’re trying to achieve your goals. Break the limits. Pass the borders. Color outside of the line. That’s how we’re suppose to live life. Some mornings you may wake up feeling good, ready to go out and take on the world and “be” a great day. But on other days, we wake up to total darkness that makes the whole world seem depressing. On those days remember the words I stated and just live your life. You only get one so why waste it on anything that leads towards the negative? Don’t do as you please because it’s your day off. Do as you please everyday.

Always remember that we are given just one life to live. So why should anyone treat it as if you get a second time around?

Edit:  We have a new addition to the family! I had to give up my old cat Diva due to health issues last month so I adopted a 2 month old kitten yesterday. We named him Prince because he’s fierce, just like Prince, lol (Nevermind, his name is Tigger now, lol. That’s what she wants to name him) Nevermind again, now she wants it to be Prince, ugh! My daughter is so happy. We’re so happy.

prince

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michael.

For more than a week I wanted to voice my opinion and my emotions about the loss of Michael Jackson. His death moved me so much. I cried. I mourned. I loved his music, his drive to make people happy & related to his issues with wanting to make a better life for others due to his own past experiences. Nevertheless, I am speechless. What I can say is that I am saddened that this man never had the chance to live a happy life, and it seems as though even through death, he’s unable to be laid to rest. This post is something that moved me the most, during my many days of reading reactions to his death. Share your thoughts. – xo, Chanel.

“My Hero Ain’t Molest Them Bitch Ass Kids”: Phonte’s teary-eyed tribute to The King

I haven’t been compelled to blog in a long time.

In an era where everybody is twittering and text-messaging their lives away, a well-thought out essay that extends past 140 characters is quickly becoming a thing of the past.

But when our universe lost its brightest star on June 25, 2009, I felt a deep, overwhelming sadness that I haven’t experienced in many years and I felt moved to say….something.

My hero, Michael Joseph Jackson, is dead.

Honestly I’m still trying to process it, almost like the loss of a much-loved family member. I mean, hell, to many of us Michael WAS family. Much like Nike, or Coca-Cola, or McDonalds, Michael Jackson wasn’t so much a person as he was a living, breathing, American institution; a ubiquitous force that has seemingly existed forever and one that we couldn’t imagine a world without. Seeing Michael onstage was less like watching a musician perform and more akin to witnessing a magician at work.

But contrary to his otherworldly stage presence and magical aura, the man we called The King of Pop proved to be a mere mortal. And now my hero, Michael Joseph Jackson, is dead.

What isn’t dead, unfortunately, is the cloud of false accusations, unsubstantiated rumors, myths, slander, and outright lies that surround his life and his legacy. The greatest myth regarding Michael Jackson is that he was a pedophile who preyed on young children.

It is my belief now, just as it was 16 years ago, that the charges brought against Michael during his 1993 sexual abuse case were false. The allegations made by Jordan Chandler (the accuser) and his father Evan Chandler always seemed suspect to me for a few reasons:

1. Ask the average parent whether they’d want justice or money for their abused child and more than likely they’d say justice, if for no other reason than to protect their child (and other children) from a future attack. The fact that Evan Chandler was willing to essentially let Michael off the hook for a few million (reportedly 2-3), made their case seem like a well-orchestrated extortion attempt. In regards to the case, Evan was later caught on tape saying, “If I go through with this, I win big time. There’s no way I lose. I will get everything I want and they will be destroyed forever…Michael’s career will be over.” Notice that homeboy ain’t mention jack shit about his son. So much for being a concerned father…

2. Generally when victims of abuse come out with allegations against someone, other victims come forward to corroborate their story (i.e. the Catholic Church scandal, where a few parties came forward and it later led to thousands).

Very rarely do child molesters stop at just one kid, or even two for that matter. An alleged pedophile with only two accusers is kinda like an alleged serial killer with only one body. Or an alleged sneaker addict with only two pairs of Jordans in his closet. It just doesn’t make any logical sense, nor does it coincide with the recurring psychological characteristics of most people who fall into those categories.

In the case of Michael Jackson vs. the Chandler family, not a single corroborating witness could be found to help prosecute the case and after raids were conducted on several of Jackson’s homes, no hard evidence of sexual abuse was gathered.

Michael later settled the Chandler case out of court, not as an admission of guilt, but at the behest of his lawyers and financial advisors who warned him that a criminal trial could cost him millions of dollars in legal fees, as well as the loss of hundreds of millions in touring and endorsement revenue. With the Chandler case finally over, Michael continued to tour and released his greatest hits package “HIStory” in 1995. Ten years later though, he would face another trial that, in my opinion, would be the one to literally and figuratively, kill him.

Martin Bashir’s heinous, Machiavellian documentary “Living With Michael Jackson” aired in 2003. It was in this documentary that Mike (albeit foolishly) talked about his fondness for sharing his bed with children, and was seen holding hands with a young boy. Shortly afterwards the young boy from the documentary, 13 year-old Gavin Arvizo (a cancer survivor who had all his medical bills paid for by Michael), accused him of sexual abuse.

When Mike’s case against Arvizo hit airwaves in 2005, I must admit that I had my doubts. Much like the Chris Rock joke, I too shook my head in disbelief and said “ANOTHER kid!?! Mike, what the fuck?!! How could you be THAT stupid?!?!” As the case unraveled though, the financial motivations of the accuser’s family became much more apparent.

Similar to the Chandler case from ‘93, the prosecution couldn’t produce any credible witnesses to corroborate Arvizo’s testimony against Michael. Many of the prosecution’s witnesses were either former employees of Michael who had financial disputes with him, or had criminal convictions themselves. Arvizo’s testimony contradicted previous statements he’d made to officials saying that nothing ever took place between him and Michael, and Arvizo’s mother Janet Arvizo, an eccentric woman with a prior conviction for welfare fraud, single-handedly killed the case with her flippant remarks on the witness stand and overall bizarre courtroom behavior.

Actor Macaulay Culkin came forward in Michael’s defense and testified that no inappropriate behavior ever took place during their many times together, as did many other associates who had spent time at Neverland. Ultimately, Michael emerged from the Arvizo case with a Not Guilty verdict on all counts, but it proved to be a pyrrhic victory. The damage was already done. In the court of popular opinion, The King of Pop was an unrepentant child molestor.

When defending Michael Jackson against his detractors, I am often asked if I would let one of my sons sleep over at his house. The answer is no. Shit, I wouldn’t let my sons sleep over at YOUR house. But that doesn’t make you a pedophile, it just makes me a concerned and protective dad who doesn’t leave his kids around people I personally don’t know well enough to trust.

When it came to children, the only thing Michael was guilty of in my opinion, was naivete. While cuddling in the bed with children isn’t technically illegal, it does violate several social norms; norms that a man who dresses funny, lives at an amusement park and refers to himself as “Peter Pan” would certainly pay a higher price for breaking. When I hear the tales of Michael laying in bed with those children, watching movies, tickling, and engaging in general horseplay, it sounds less like the work of a pedophile and more like the actions of a man trying to experience a childhood he never had.

During his investigation for the Arvizo trial, Michael was examined by Dr. Stan Katz, a clinical psychologist who concluded that Michael didn’t fit the profile of a pedophile but instead that of a regressed 10 year old, an analysis which I agree with wholeheartedly. I mean after all, only a person with the simple, unsuspecting mind of a child could truly believe they could sleep in the same bed as their pre-pubescent buddies and not pay a price for it.

Still, the most saddening myth surrounding Michael’s life is that he was ashamed to be Black. During the mid 80’s, in the midst of his ever-changing skin complexion and facial features, popular opinion in the Black community was that Mike was a sellout. This was an opinion that would unfortunately haunt him for the rest of his life, but a closer look reveals quite the opposite.

As echoed by my man Scorpeze of the house music duo Windimoto in his excellent blog, Michael Jackson never tried to disown or separate himself from his Blackness at any point in his career. In fact, he was probably the most openly pro-Black pop entertainer of his time. Michael Jackson ashamed to be Black? I mean, this was the same guy who:

-portrayed Black people as kings and queens in ancient Egypt (“Remember the Time” video)
-called Tommy Mottola (his then label boss) a devil and a racist
-sang “white man’s gotta make a change” live on the Grammies in ’88
-sang about a beautiful African woman in “Liberian Girl”
-featured an African chant at the end of “Wanna Be Startin Somethin”
-donated over $25 million to the United Negro College Fund
-sang “I ain’t scared of no sheets” in “Black or White” and upped the ante by morphing into a BLACK PANTHER at the video’s end
-wrote a song called “They Don’t Really Care About Us,” with a Spike Lee-directed video that featured prisoners raising the Black power fist
-uhhh “We Are The World” and USA for Africa, anyone?

What about this man wasn’t Black enough? Was it his battle with vitiligo and how it caused skin discoloration? Was it his excessive facial surgeries, due I’m sure in no small part to the teasing and ridicule he faced about his looks as a teenager?

Why did we turn our collective backs on a man who always reminded us that he never forgot who he was, or more importantly, whose he was?

This essay is my plea to all people who consider themselves a fan of Michael Jackson, but especially to Black people: Don’t let them talk about our Brother. Don’t let his naysayers convict him of crimes that were never proven. Don’t let people reduce the memory of one of our greatest heroes to that of a weird guy who wore a shiny glove and molested little boys.

When Elvis Presley died, did the media remember him as an overweight, drug-abusing racist who dated a 14 year-old, or was he eulogized as The King of Rock and Roll?

When Woody Allen dies, do you think the media will focus on the controversy behind him marrying his own stepdaughter, or on the films “Annie Hall” and “Manhattan” and how great they were? (Ditto for Jerry Lee Lewis, the rock and roll pioneer who married his 13-year old cousin.)

When people accuse Michael of being a pedophile or a child molester, ask them to provide hard evidence. Ask them to provide an opinion rooted in fact, rather than one based on gossip, hearsay, and conjecture. Chances are, they won’t be able to. The Black community has done a great disservice in not reciprocating the love that Michael Jackson showed us when he was alive. The least we can do in honoring his death is ensure that his legacy is remembered properly for future generations.

Was Michael Jackson a weirdo? Of course he was a weirdo.

But maybe if you had been in the public eye since you were 7, had grown ass women throwing themselves at you since you were 13, suffered physical abuse at the hands of your father, watched your father and older brothers engage in sex with groupies on tour as a child, were called “Big Nose” and “ugly” by both family members AND fans, developed a skin disease that took away the one thing you repeatedly expressed your pride for, and spent the last half of your life as the most famous person on Earth, you’d probably be a bit of a weirdo too.

I am not attempting to paint Michael Jackson as a saint, as no man ever lives up to such a lofty title. But to me, the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” seems to sum up Michael Jackson’s life more than ever.

Why would people try to tear down a man who constantly used his power, money, and influence to help others?

Why would people express such disgust and contempt for a man who constantly sang of love and peace, and used his talent to entertain, uplift, and inspire millions?

Tell em that its human nature, I suppose…

Rest in Peace, Brother Michael. I love and miss you dearly.

Phonte

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revolving.

The only way to get to where you want to be is to do what needs to be done….by all means necessary. I believe in fate. I believe we create fate. I don’t believe in predetermined destiny and I definitely don’t believe in letting someone else make my decisions. I believe that anything I set my sights on can be accomplished. I believe in staying strong and staying true to myself. There are so many secret ways in the world to find out who we truly are. Everything that we experience, everything we think, feel and do is in an intricate order. It’s part of the emotional flow that helps us discover who we are. If our thoughts and emotions didn’t play out towards our actions, how else would we see who we are? If our thoughts and emotions didn’t play out towards your actions, how else would I see who you are? The world isn’t happening to us. We’re happening to it. We’re molding it, shaping it, creating the good and the bad that occurs in our life. And like clockwork, we’ll get tired of what we’re doing & will strive to do something else. As usual, we will always move on. Traditionally, I started 2009 with a new beginning for my life. I’m not going to lie, it’s not turning out to be a great year for me. For some odd reason, every time I move froward, something else tries to pull me back. I’m not sure if this supposed to be a “sign” that I need to do some reevaluating, but I’ve already starting making some changes in my life. They’re not major changes, however, I know what needs to be done. I need to eliminate some more people, be careful of who I trust & whom I allow to get close to me.

When we get tired of hate, envy & jealousy, we will stop showing it attention. When we get tired of injustice, we’ll stop judging each other. Ladies, when we get tired of our men disrespecting us, trying to deplete our morale, pulling the wool over our eyes, we will stop compromising and set higher standards for ourselves. Men, when you get tired of being put down, discriminated against and used, you will stop placing blame on society & place that strength towards your dignity. No one can make you, but they can sure break you. But don’t give them that power of destruction. You are better than that. Most of us don’t know what we cannot do until someone tells us. We’re reminded of how dangerous it may be, how ridiculous it sounds, what a chance we’re talking. They give us warnings, cautions & “helpful hints” about alternative things we can do instead. When they’re finished, what just happened? We have been effectively talked right out of our dreams. We settled for less. This is why it’s imperative to have a strong overlook at your success in anything you try to achieve. No matter what people say, you will try your best. And let’s just say you do happen to fail, you were still given a chance to discover your strengths, your weaknesses, your passions and yourself in that journey. No one can take from you. No one.

If you were subscribed to my blog before, please resubscribe below. For some odd reason, when I did the WordPress upgrade, it deleted all of my subscribers. I apologize for the inconvenience.


 

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why?

One of my major weaknesses is wanting to know why. Why did we break up? Why did you stop calling me? Why did you lie? Why did you hurt me? Mind you, I barely care about you anymore nor do I even want to work things out. It’s very easy for me to move on. You don’t like me anymore? Okay. But why? lol. Why do you think we can be friends after you broke my heart? If you were unable to care for me as a lover, you most certainly can’t care for me as a friend. Why are all the good ones taken? Why are you gay? Why do they always thank you for making them a better person after they moved on to someone else? Why do you have so much balls to smile in my face after what you’ve done to me? It’s just hard for me to have a peace of mind after something ends so abruptly. I also feel that if you tell me “why”, maybe it’s something I can work on within myself, especially if it’s something I’ve heard a few times before. That’s a very small maybe though. Very small.

This is how the conversation would go:
him: I don’t think we should date anymore.
me: Okay. Why?
him: I just don’t think we should.
me: Oh, well, you have a nice night!
him: You too.

This is how the conversation should go:
him: I don’t think we should date anymore.
me: Okay. Why?
him: Because I’m a faggot ass bitch and I prefer to take dick in my booty.
me: Oh, well, you have a nice night!
him: You too.

On another note…why is it that when you give people your all, you only get half in return? I am very particular about who gets to know me and to receive the most endearing side of my nature. So when I do decide to show them that, I expect great appreciation. Keyword = expect. However, it doesn’t always end up that way. You got all of these half-ass people running around, looking for a way to fill in their incoherent void that’s poisoned in their hearts. Sponges is what I like to call them. When you do decide to only give some of yourself, that usually end up being the person who’s most deserving of your 100% and you lose them because they feel you’re not making the glass full. Then you got some people who will throw up this facade that’s fitting to what you appeal to, yearning for your all and when they finally get it, they abuse it. This is the battle I’ve always had when it comes down to relationships. All areas of relationships at that. Whether it’s friends, family, work or companionship. But the area where it’s being hit the most, of course, is companionship. I take all of these risks to weed out the good from the bad because I believe that’s the strive we have to do in order to find what we want. But just like everything else we try to achieve, it gets tiring when you don’t get the results you’re looking for. After awhile, you get fed up. And it’s frustrating as hell. Not only are you allowing people in your life, you’re making it easier for them to hurt you.

I will like to take the time out by wishing all the mothers out there a Happy Mother’s Day and for everyone to appreciate women also. Everyday we should somehow celebrate being a mother, or even just being a strong woman, so make sure you pamper yourself to the utmost today. Men, grab a special woman and do the same for her. Recognize & acknowledge. Some of you really need to appreciate women, our struggle and what we give in this world. We give life, comfort, love, understanding, blessings, backbones, spirituality, joy, happiness, creativity and another reason to be happy for waking up in the morning. When life has no meaning, when you start to feel incomplete, when you’re frustrated or confused, when you’re horny, a good woman’s love will put you right back on your feet! It’s sad that still, most women are being parents alone without the help of the same man that contributed into creating that new life. It’s okay ladies. We are appreciated and honored by many. Our strength and commitment to being independent mothers will be rewarded to us later on in life.

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Disclosure.

The content of kisschanel.com, text and personal images, are ownership of Chanel Cheeks and copyrighted by me unless stated otherwise. No reproduction of any of the content shall be used without prior written consent. If you want to quote me or repost one of my blogs, please send an email requesting permission to do so first. The proper credit link must state the following: Originally written by Chanel @ kisschanel.com. Stealing blog posts is frowned upon and will result in people laughing at you for at least 5 years. This website is not recommended for inmates, ingrates or anyone professing an irrational fear of cats or for people over the age of 120. The content on this blog is the opinion of myself, not intended to “malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual,” especially those that are very bored with nothing else to do that will try to fight back anything that I have to say. My intention is to not injure others, just in case someone believes I made their genitals bleed by blogging about love & relationships. Full disclosure.

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