Love & Relationships | chanel.

puzzle pieces.

August 5, 2011
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love & relationships
love, positivity, strength

Love isn’t meant to be solved. It’s just is. Take heed to these words if you ever find yourself feeling stuck, asking questions or doubting your relationship. Life & relationships are not about being frozen in place, wondering “Where do I go from here?”. It’s about growth, commitment, love and knowing your path. Sometimes you may just have to fight for love because the other party is simply scared of it. And if you’re the person who’s scared of love, scared of fighting to make things work, scared to make the slightest effort to earn that companionship, you need to do some thorough soul searching. Life is so much better to aim for your desires than not trying at all. I personally prefer to try, and maybe get rejected, than to not knowing at all if it would have worked. I know, I know…easier said than done. But remember….the hardest advice to follow is your own.

No one is meant to be alone. Never believe that saying “We all die alone”. We WHO? You know who dies alone? Hateful people who treat everyone less than their worth & with ill intent.

When I think about life and the events that occur in it, I always wonder what’s the real reason certain things happen. One year can be stress filled and then the next year is eventful. You know how someone can finish pouring their heart to you about a devastating situation and the only thing we’ll probably say is “everything happens for a reason“? Well I have yet to find out that reason. To a lot of things. Why did certain people hurt me the way they did? Why weren’t you there for me when I needed guidance throughout my childhood? Why did I almost lose my life in that car crash? Why did she have to die the way she did? My only guess is…negative experiences happens in our lives to make us stronger. What won’t break us will make us? It seems like the more positive we get about things and our current situation, negativity tries it’s best to shove it’s head into our life and ruin it. I refuse to let the bad outweigh the good though. I try my best to keep my focus on the good things like bubblegum, dick & weave sales.

Just kidding about dick. Not wait, I’m not.

fighting for love.

Many of us think we are lucky or blessed when we find the right person to love. By now, we know that nothing in life is an accident, including our selection on who we catch feelings for. Very often we go into relationships with the idea that we can make somebody better. We see and know their flaws and take it upon ourselves to help them fix what is wrong. Our task in our relationships is not to fix one another. Our job is to love what we see and support one another in doing better. If all fails, just say goodbye to that relationship. Sometimes they’re simply not ready for a commitment. I used to have this unrealistic expectation in certain people to just flat out act right and handle themselves (and others) in a respectful, mature way. Having consideration & being appreciative. In order to fall in love, you need strength to fall out of it. Just in case. Love can either make you or break you. And trust me, it has broke me many times. Not saying that I have been in love a lot, but there were people that I did truly love, unconditionally & platonically, who didn’t share the same love in return. I’m grateful for those experiences because it wouldn’t allow me to love the way I love my boyfriend today.

There’s a big difference between fighting for the one you love and fighting with the one you love. You can love them for who they are and what they are and stop complaining. But if you keep going in and out of the same relationship, chances are you are going to get hurt. People come together in a relationship to learn. Once you learn your lesson, take that same lesson, and move on to something new. You can do the same old things in just some many ways until you lose track of what you are doing. How many ways can you cry? How many ways can you hurt? How many ways can you convince yourself that you can make this work? When a relationship is over, you need to recognize that fact, disassociate yourself from that person and then let it go. No matter how much you love the other person, or how afraid you are that you will never love again, you cannot squeeze juice from a piece of dry fruit. So don’t bother trying. Praying won’t make the relationship work. Losing weight won’t make the relationship work. Changing your hairstyle won’t make the relationship work. Nothing will make it work until you realize why it’s not working.

Love is knowing, it is not a condition or state of mind. When you are loving, you are not doubting, judging or fearing; you are are in a state of acceptance. You accept yourself first, for who and what you are, and then the person you love, without question. When you are in love, you feel vulnerable and know that it is okay to feel that way. You leave your emotions out there on the table, without the fear that they will abuse it. You don’t hide your feelings, change them to fix what you think the other person wants, and you do not question what you feel. When you’re in love, there’s nothing to fix. All you’re doing is building. For the better, for the both of you.

twitter, facebook, it won’t last?

I’ve been hearing people say that they won’t ever let their significant other know about their Twitter page, or that they won’t allow them to see their Facebook profile. The misconception is that they believe this will destroy the relationship. Well, I’m here to tell you that it won’t. What will destroy the relationship are subliminal tweets/status messages about your relationship, in a negative light. Or the fact that person you’re with is highly insecure and you entertain their insecurity, with unwarranted explanations or hiding things that will make them upset, instead of trying to fix the real problems: privacy and trust issues.

I heard on the radio this week that one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in 2010 was because of Facebook. FACEBOOK? How is that possible? I can understand catching your man cheating on you because his mistress posted a picture of them making out in the club and she “tagged” him in it. But how can the internet really destroy a relationship? Unless that relationship was already in shambles? Let’s be honest: Most people are getting married for the wrong reasons. A lot of others are settling for relationships, just to say that they’re in one. So let’s not blame things like Twitter or Facebook for the demise of your relationship. It’s obvious that there are bigger things to overcome than your significant other’s online activity.

My boyfriend is very aware of my online activity. We follow each other on Twitter, we claim each other on Facebook with our “In A Relationship With” status and he enjoys reading my blogs. Keyword: awareness. We don’t have anything to hide from one another. And with me being the more popular one on the internet, this doesn’t bother him at all. I’m very discreet about my immediate life. I don’t post on Twitter when we’re arguing, I don’t change my relationship status to “Single” whenever he pisses me off, he doesn’t flirt with women (matter fact, he doesn’t chat online at all) and we respect each others privacy. Plain and simple.

I think if couples are more honest & understanding with each other, then things like Twitter & Facebook would not tarnish the relationship. Keep your relationship issues private by respecting each other’s privacy (because your 5,000 followers do not need to know you guys have been fighting for the past 2 days) and maintain a strong trust level.

marrying for love.

What ever happened to “til death do us part”? Not til divorce do us part. So many people are getting married, then divorced, nowadays like it’s the new trend. I’ve watched others go through a horrible marriage all because they thought the person they married was “the right one for them”. Or “we’re having a baby so why not”. Or the played out excuse = “we’ve been through so much together”. Wrong. My car and I been through a lot together. My gold pumps and I been through a lot together. You have to battle yourself with these dilemmas to be certain that you are making the right decision. Sometimes God throws a giant monkey wrench into our relationships to show us that this is not the one for you. He does it to me all the time. Ironically, that’s the only way I can give up someone I care about.

With that being said, why are you signing a prenuptial agreement? I think that’s the most ridiculous thing to ever agree to. You’re pretty much stating that you both are planning for your marriage & divorce at the same time. And in the most utmost selfish way. The word “pre-nup” taints marriages. If you have to think twice about marriage, there is no reason to get married. How would you feel if you helped someone build their empire, support it for 10 years and have to walk away from it all with nothing just because they don’t want you anymore? That’s why before you decide to marry someone, you need to know that you are able to commit to that person for the remainder of your life. If you feel that insecure/negative about the woman you choose to marry, then you have no business marrying her. Marriage is about supporting each other for the rest of your life. Therefore, if you end that marriage before death, you are still owed that support.

A lot of guys seem to be in the habit of “dating” for long periods of time (2-5 years) then suddenly deciding they do not want to marry “you” or be with “you” anymore. I don’t understand why people will waste that much time in a relationship just to have a companion. Ideally, I think you should know after 2 years if you want to marry someone or not. Kyle & I have been living together for almost a year now and we already know that we’re going to be together forever. There’s no doubt in my mind how that man feels about me because he tells me all the time. A couple that’s been together for at at least 2 years should know whether or not they’re going to be together for the rest of their life. Especially if you’re over the age of 25. At this point, you should know who you are, what you want and the type of mate you want to be with. Indeed, it’s very hard to look into someone eyes and just know for a fact that they’re the perfect match for you. That genuinely, they are the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. That your souls are bonded together. However, it shouldn’t take 5 years to realize such. It shouldn’t take 3 kids and living together for 8 years to figure it out.

People throw the term “soul mate” around very loosely. Calling someone your soul mate is just as strong as telling them you’re in love with them. May be even stronger than love. Can you see yourself marrying that person? Sharing all of yourself with this person? Bearing their children? Accepting all of their flaws & embracing them as unique gifts without penalizing them about it? If not, then they are not your soul mate. With the divorce rate spilling over 50% in America, it’s time that we stop, look & listen to our minds & hearts before making such hasty decisions. The only person we should marry is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Not for financial advancements or because you feel this person is your last resort.

halle berry.

February 6, 2011
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love & relationships
dating, relationships

How come Halle Berry gets a bad rap for her relationships? The conversation about Halle Berry & her relationships is oddly turning into “What’s wrong with Halle?”, because apparently this is all her fault.

The public logic of Halle’s love life usually follows as so:

1. But she’s so pretty! Why can’t she keep a man? — Talk about a backhanded compliment: yes you are pretty, and that is “all that matters”. A woman’s worth is wrapped up in what she can see in the mirror, and because she is attractive, there’s no reason why some man shouldn’t have clubbed her and dragged her back to his cave eons ago. It’s oversimplification; relationships aren’t compatibility and chemistry, they are just looks and attraction. In truth, being attractive may provide more opportunity, but it does not secure the relationship. Focusing on her looks belittles any sort of character or personality she may have, because most importantly, she is pretty!

2. Something must be wrong with her. — Well obviously if she is attractive and pretty, and can’t “keep” a man, there must be something wrong with her. An attractive man can play the field until he’s gray in the hair — it’s call being the preternatural bachelor. A woman who’s attractive and hops from man to man, it’s called “having issues” or worse, “whore.” These types of logical fallacies once again overlook the complicated and complex elements of creating a lasting relationship.

3. She has Daddy issues. — Because what Black woman doesn’t? — (sarcasm). Naturally that’s always the conclusion to be drawn from a woman who has trouble dating. But if a man has dating issues, do we ever say he has Mommy issues? Of course not.

To say that Halle’s got some underlying issue pulling her into unsuccessful relationships implicates that it’s all her fault — well Halle, if you did a better job at picking men, maybe you wouldn’t be caught up in drama, again.

And that just feels unfair. Fact is, few people deliberately and consciously go headlong into a relationship with the knowledge that it will be a detriment to their life. I’m sure when Anna Mae Bullock met Ike Turner, she thought he was a nice man. Eventually she learned that he wasn’t so much, but do we chastise her for heading down that path in the first place? Few people have psychic ability as a character strength.

This isn’t to say that all is well in her world, Halle may have some real and deep-seated issues. For sure there is an unfortunate pattern in her public love life. But by squarely placing the blame on poor decision making not only oversimplifies relationships, it also very conveniently removes any responsibility of her partner. In reality (and probably even more so in Hollywood) ugly break ups are quite common. The “amicable” break up is a much more rare occurrence, and that deserves more news coverage than two people who broke up and — shocker — now no longer get along. Unfortunately for Halle, her average ugly breakup is hot tabloid fodder, giving her issues a more sensational element (and audience) than your average girl from Ohio.

Love and relationships are a crap shoot, and Halle’s issues with Gabriel just affirms this. It feels unfair to draw conclusions about Halle’s personal life just because she’s having another rough spate, a bad break up just makes her human, not abnormal.

My name is Chanel and I love pink, tattoos and hair weaves. Mother of one, engaged, web designer, loves my cat Princess & my shihtzu Romeo. “Accomplish everything without fear” is one of my favorites quotes. I am not affiliated with nor do I support the illuminati.

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puzzle pieces.

fighting for love.

twitter, facebook, it won’t last?

marrying for love.

halle berry.

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