Love & Relationships

fall in love again.

Most of us remember that incredibly blissful feeling of being “in love” at least once in our lives. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t concentrate and all you wanted to do was to be with your beloved, basking in that delicious magnetic pull toward each other. You couldn’t get enough of one another. You felt like it was “right” and you were “home.” Now we know that it’s not realistic (or even desirable) to go through life like this–feeling so ungrounded, scattered and unfocused all the time that you can’t get much done.

What happens for most couples is…

For some mysterious reason in the process of “settling down”, we lose all or most of this excitement and powerful feelings of love and attraction we felt for one another. We settle into comfort and routine and those intense feelings get so watered down that we have trouble finding them. Most of the people who begin to question whether they want to be in the relationship they’re in or not (and the ones who are living with the question of whether to stay or go tell us that what happened for them is what happened for many couples. Somewhere along the line they lost the passion, spark and desire that they once had. It all sort of faded away and they ended up wondering “what just happened?” We’ve discovered that it doesn’t have to be this way. While you probably don’t want those exact feelings you had when you were first in love (we don’t), but what you may want is a more seasoned hybrid of it. In other words, you may want a little more spark than what you have now without all the drama and intensity that’s over the edge.

to disagree agreeably.

February 19, 2012
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love & relationships
drama, relationships

Humans, it seems, are wired for disagreements. These conflicts can be angry, awkward messes, or they can be civil exchanges of viewpoints that lead to better decisions at work and closer relationships at home. What makes the difference is usually not the issue at hand but how it is handled. Here, then, are the rules of engagement, followed by tips on how to speak your mind (to almost anyone). No bench-clearing brawls, no threats of secession, no backseat turf wars involved.

The best ways to compromise, clear the air, and fight fair¹:
1. Pick your battles. You do not have to address every injustice or irritation that comes along. But it is a mistake to stay silent when an issue matters and the cost of silence is feeling bitter, resentful, or disconnected.
2. Understand the stakes. Even if you think that you know the other person’s issues, it can’t hurt to pose a direct question. Ask “What’s your real concern here?” Often, you’re not really voicing it.
3. Wait until you’re calm. When emotions run high, disagreements can turn personal, and that’s rarely productive. Recognize when emotions are charged, and don’t have the conversation until you have a cool head.
4. Be respectful. If someone thinks you’re listening thoughtfully, she is more likely to respond in kind. An empathetic phrase, such as “I understand how you feel,” can go a long way.
5. Speak for yourself. Rather than criticizing the other person, stick to expressing your own feelings and actions (“I felt hurt when…” or “I’m concerned because…”). It’s honest and authentic when you say how you truly view a situation.
6. Don’t interrogate. Try not to go on a lawyer-like attack with a litany of yes-or-no questions. This tack is aggressive, puts the other person on the defensive, and can belittle them.
7. State the facts. If you have them, use them. Facts give opinions and feelings a lot more credibility. It also helps that “they aren’t personal or emotional,” so they can help make your disagreement constructive. Just make sure you really do have the facts. At the very least, you should be able to name your source.
8. Speak to common interests. Keep the common goal and good in mind. Remember: If an argument turns nasty, nobody wins. Tell the person how much she means to you and how much you value her opinion.
9. Aim to clear the air rather than win. In many instances, the disagreement will end in détente. Don’t try to win the argument; it’s more important to focus on understanding why the other person thinks differently than you do.
10. Consider compromise. It doesn’t get you exactly what you want, but it can be an effective way for people to overcome a disagreement and move forward. Remember: A compromise doesn’t have to be equal to be acceptable. However, it is important for you to understand what you’re both giving up and to be comfortable with that equation. You don’t have to feel happy about a compromise, but you have to feel you can live with it.

so selfish.

February 19, 2012
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drama elimination, love & relationships
obstacles, selfish

Selfish people. They suck everything out of you, but when you ask for something in return, they never come through. They pride themselves in making you the bad guy when you finally say “no”. They create melodramatic scenes when you finally ask them to cater to your feelings. For once. You bend over backwards, sometimes even compromise yourself to make them happy. And what’s the thanks you get in return? More selfish acts. More selfish requests. More temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want.

Drained. When you’re the one that’s stuck appeasing everyone in your life, you miss out on your own happiness. You miss out on enjoying things yourself. Then it hits you: you’re tired. You become overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with emotions, feelings and neglect. Because while you’re running around trying to please everyone, no one is running around trying to please you. How do you stop the cycle without losing the people that you love? How do you express your feelings about it, without blowing up because of the frustration?

What if the selfish person is the person you’re in a relationship with? Even though a healthy relationship should be about give and take, in some relationships, selfishness reigns supreme. If your spouse seems forever concerned only about himself, his self-centered ways could put quite the strain on your union. While overcoming this natural tendency to be selfish isn’t something that you can do overnight, with effort you may be able to make him more aware of his selfish ways and perhaps even encourage him to change.

1. Tell him how you feel. Even if you feel your mate’s selfishness is incredibly apparent, he may not see this. Instead of assuming that your mate knows that his behavior is selfish, make your feelings clear. Avoid name-calling when expressing your feelings, but instead focus on simply telling him how you feel and how his lack of attention to your feelings is hurting you emotionally.

2. Write your mate a note. If you struggle with words when speaking to your mate about complex issues such as selfishness face-to-face, express yourself through writing. Compose a letter in which you explain your concerns. By presenting your ideas in written form, you may be able to make it appear less like you are attacking him.

3. Practice compromise. For your mate to be less selfish, he will need to compromise. Start to require compromises for small things, such as selecting a restaurant for dinner, to get your mate used to the idea. By starting small, you can make the transition from selfishness to accommodation a bit less taxing.

4. Insist upon counseling. If your best efforts prove fruitless, counseling may be necessary. If you simply can’t live with your marriage as it stands, demand that your mate go to counseling with you. Although making this demand will likely not be an easy thing to do, it is easier than continuing to exist in a situation in which you are unhappy.

amber rose.

I watched an interview where Amber Rose (the exgirlfriend of Kanye West) broke down in tears due to the hardships she endured after their publicized breakup.

I’ve read many blogs about this and no one empathizes with her. Not even the males. I, for one, feel bad for her because she really has been quiet for a long time, while he bitched bitched bitched about her through songs and made monetary profit off slandering her for 2 years. As a man, that’s a bitch move. Men are supposed to protect women. Not purposely do harm. I didn’t know throwing things at a woman in the street after a man slanders her was the “cool” thing to do? And so what if she has an album coming out and etc. How come no one questioned Kanye’s motives for doing and saying the things he has about her in the past?

She’s finally speaking because she’s had enough of it and now everyone is telling her to shut the fuck up. If anything, people need to have a few words with HIM for being so scorned like a female after the break-up.

radical honesty.

10 Ways to Use Radical Honesty to Improve Your Relationship¹

When it comes to relationships, I believe that honesty is always the best policy. Not merely remaining faithful. Not in the sense of being able to say that you never really lie to your partner. I’m talking about Radical Honesty; actually coming out and naming the elephants in the room so you can deal with them before they trample all over your relationship.

Radical Honesty requires that you speak your truth even when you feel sure that the other person won’t want to hear it. Radical Honesty means that you have to say how you really feel, especially when you believe that you could either avoid x or conversely make y happen by hiding these feelings from them. It is a commitment to authenticity that requires being true to yourself as much as being loyal to another.

How long can you pretend to be someone else?

If you lack an intrinsic sense of self-worth you may be tempted to censor yourself; to try to express yourself in terms of what would be acceptable or desirable to someone else. In the short-term, you may even be successful in your goals. But, realistically speaking, just how long can you pretend to be someone else? And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you don’t believe could love you as you really are?

Whilst the idea of being “strategic” is a popular one when it comes to dating, it doesn’t feel so warm and fuzzy to think that one partner actively manipulated the other into committing to the relationship. Is that really a good way to build a foundation for a trusting relationship?

Don’t let resentment build, deal with issues one at a time and as soon as they arise.
Stop trying to control or manipulate your partner’s feelings or actions.
Share your hopes, dreams and wishes.
Share your fears.
Be honest with yourself.
Share your vulnerability instead of your anger.
Express your disappointment gently.
Check that you both have signed the same contract (Explain what you think the unwritten rules are).
Admit when you don’t know what to do.
Admit it when you think you may have made a mistake.

¹ - Source.

Older posts

fall in love again.

to disagree agreeably.

so selfish.

amber rose.

radical honesty.

How long can you pretend to be someone else?

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