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i am suing kim kardashian.

“I AM SUING KIM KARDASHIAN”
By Rob Delaney

I wish to formally announce that I am suing Kim Kardashian to stop her divorce from Kris Humphries. I am also suing Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.

HOW I IMAGINE THEIR “WEDDING” WAS PITCHED:

“I know! We’ll have Kim get married! It’ll be a ratings bonanza! We’ll bludgeon the populace with billboards and commercials, build it up across our 14 execrable spinoffs, hire some psychologists to help Kim and Kompany approximate the appearance of human emotion as they navigate the wedding preparation, split the actual wedding over two interminable episodes—even accompany them on the honeymoon! And the best part is, it doesn’t even have to be real! We’ll have Kris (Humphries, not Kris Jenner, Kim’s mom (though having her marry her own mom once ratings start to slide IS a great idea!!!)) sign a pre-nup that is also a non-disclosure agreement AND a waiver stating that if he even talks in his sleep about the “marriage’s” details, he’ll be beaten, drugged, and given a facelift from the same doctor who did Bruce Jenner, and then forced to walk the Earth terrifying children and animals for eternity.”

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MAGAZINE COVER OF ALL TIME
Ryan Seacrest is the executive producer of the 22 existing Kardashian programs. Please revel in this amazing quote from him, which recently appeared on the cover of PRODUCED BY magazine, the official magazine of the highly principled and ever-honest Producers Guild of America:

WHAAAAAAAT?! A lot of people toss the word “irony” around without really knowing its precise definition.This quote, from this person, is its precise definition. William Shakespeare would have been like, “Damn bro, I can’t top that.” I’m glad he’s been dead for 400 years and can only see it through a time-telescope that Leonardo da Vinci made for him on his 300th birthday.

THE MEAT OF THE MATTER

I digress. I guess I’m just nervous because I’ve never sued anyone before, and this is not a joke. I AM suing Kim Kardashian and the others mentioned above. It is alleged that Kim Kardshian was paid $18 million to participate in her own wedding. I feel like schools could use that money. Or health clinics in areas hit hardest by the recession. Or Pizza Hut. Or Bernie Madoff. Or my uncle Mitchell, who is a convicted sex offender making a living selling Percocet to the elderly in Rhode Island.

Also, quitting your marriage now is a rather public admission that you are very, very bad at the job you were hired to do. I will be surprised if the venerable fashion house Sears renews your “design” contract.

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Posted on my disclosure page:

Anyone reading my blog will not hold me libel for what I say or display. The content on this blog is the opinion of myself, not intended to “malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual,” or anyone or thing, especially those that are very bored with nothing else to do that will try to fight back anything that I have to say. My intention is to do no harm. To not injure others, defame, or libel, just in case someone thinks I am doing harm by blogging about love & relationships (sarcasm).

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credits to ledux.

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twitter, facebook, it won’t last?

I’ve been hearing people say that they won’t ever let their significant other know about their Twitter page, or that they won’t allow them to see their Facebook profile. The misconception is that they believe this will destroy the relationship. Well, I’m here to tell you that it won’t. What will destroy the relationship are subliminal tweets/status messages about your relationship, in a negative light. Or the fact that person you’re with is highly insecure and you entertain their insecurity, with unwarranted explanations or hiding things that will make them upset, instead of trying to fix the real problems: privacy and trust issues.

I heard on the radio this week that one of the top 5 reasons for divorce in 2010 was because of Facebook. FACEBOOK? How is that possible? I can understand catching your man cheating on you because his mistress posted a picture of them making out in the club and she “tagged” him in it. But how can the internet really destroy a relationship? Unless that relationship was already in shambles? Let’s be honest: Most people are getting married for the wrong reasons. A lot of others are settling for relationships, just to say that they’re in one. So let’s not blame things like Twitter or Facebook for the demise of your relationship. It’s obvious that there are bigger things to overcome than your significant other’s online activity.

My boyfriend is very aware of my online activity. We follow each other on Twitter, we claim each other on Facebook with our “In A Relationship With” status and he enjoys reading my blogs. Keyword: awareness. We don’t have anything to hide from one another. And with me being the more popular one on the internet, this doesn’t bother him at all. I’m very discreet about my immediate life. I don’t post on Twitter when we’re arguing, I don’t change my relationship status to “Single” whenever he pisses me off, he doesn’t flirt with women (matter fact, he doesn’t chat online at all) and we respect each others privacy. Plain and simple.

I think if couples are more honest & understanding with each other, then things like Twitter & Facebook would not tarnish the relationship. Keep your relationship issues private by respecting each other’s privacy (because your 5,000 followers do not need to know you guys have been fighting for the past 2 days) and maintain a strong trust level.

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5 favorite people on twitter

I’ve been spending more time putting my thoughts on Twitter, more than my  blog, because it’s a perfect way for me to post the crazy sporadic thoughts I have throughout the day. I joined back in January 2009 and the first 6 months was very boring. Here I am, over 9,000 followers later, and I am really enjoy Twitter. It’s very entertaining, it reminds me when a tv show is coming on, and it helps regulate my birth control. The main thing that makes Twitter fun are the people of course. You have your regular bad apples here & there, but the good definitely outweighs the bad. It all depends on who you follow and who you ignore.

Here are my top 5 favorite people to follow. These are people that have actually made me laugh out loud. Because we all know when we type “lol”, we’re not really laughing out loud. Follow them now!

1. @ispeakfemale“It’s funny how I’m good at giving advice to others, but when it comes to helping myself, I don’t know what to do.”

It’s very refreshing to find a woman on Twitter that’s not busy complaining about how bad men are, or subliminally tweeting about her enemies. This is a good tweeter to follow if you’re looking for snarky & uplifting updates, without sounding too “biblical”.

2. @verlieren“Fact: 77% of anti abortion protesters are men, 100% of them will never be pregnant.”

I relate to this chick’s crazy tweets all the time. We both think alike. She gets her fair share of haters, been always remain true to herself, and I like that. She enjoys talking about men, genitals and drugs.

3. @elbeard – “Crazy ex-girlfriends and bill collectors don’t seem to have learned about Caller ID.”

An intelligent male with a harsh sense of humor (otherwise known as an asshole) wins a woman’s heart all the time.

4. @rellyonsmash - “A dude from Twitter popping up in your friend requests on Facebook is like a dude from your job popping up at your house.”

This dude really doesn’t give a damn. He gets cursed out all the time. He’s also addicted to Simply Raspberry. There isn’t a time where I felt he was afraid to say something. His tweets are urban professional, so if you’re from Beverly Hills, you may not understand a word he’s staying.

5. @jane_bot“Doing crunches while menstruating is like violently squeezing a ketchup packet.”

If you’re into dry humor, then you will enjoy her tweets. You will relate to NOTHING she says, but somehow you know exactly what she’s talking about.

I enjoy these people on a daily basis. I hope you enjoy them too!

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internet politics.

Ever notice how logic changes when you’re online? Things that are normal in everyday life becomes “abnormal” once you hit the internet. The politics caters to the lack of logic and insecurity others have. Things like wearing make-up and catering to a woman are shunned if you talk about it online. Here’s a list of the most common.

1) “She doesn’t post body pictures, therefore she’s fat.”
When you take pictures of yourself, most of the time you’re focused on your face. Just because you don’t take a picture of something, doesn’t mean it’s of the negative. A lot of people believe it’s not necessary for everyone to see what they’re “working with” or to post pictures of their body parts. While the occasional party, hanging at the mall, karaoke pictures are posted, most people are not thinking about taking a picture to post online when they’re actually outside enjoying life.

2) “She’s photoshopped.”
Just because someone has great skin, or because they enhanced the brightness or contrast of an image, doesn’t necessarily means she’s “photshopped”. The baffling idea that someone would photoshop their nose smaller, or butt bigger is one thing, but to claim someone is photoshopped just because they’re actually attractive shows how insecure you are. Most pictures are taken by cellphones these days, which means the quality of the image doesn’t come out that great. Granted you have women that photoshop themselves beyond recognition, but most of the time, the pictures are just being touched up for better quality. People used to (still do actually) accused me of photoshopping. Of what…I don’t know. Truth be told, if I were to photoshop something, I’d erase these hereditary bags away. But I’ve learned to live with my flaw being that it’s a family trait. Now if I turned my bubbies from a 36D to a 36HHH, we got problems.

3) “Men that compliment women are gay.”
Wait a minute. I thought gay men don’t like women? Not regular men who are able to show a queen some respect. A man that shows women respect online is more than likely to be called a pansy than the one who sits around all day disrespecting women. I blame their insecurities and the fact that they’re unable to handle rejection. Or little dick syndrome.

4) “If you don’t post pictures of it, it doesn’t exist.”
Not everyone wants to show off their new car, son’s birthday outfit or engagement ring on the internet. Even though it’s 2011 and everyone post pictures of their birth control pills, there are still millions of people who still use a lot of discretion on the internet. I only like to share intimate things with the people I am intimate with. Privacy is the main reason you won’t catch me posting my child’s picture anywhere. I did it before on my website, but then a disrespectful comment rubbed me the wrong way & I never did it again. I don’t post pictures of my vagina, but you know I have one, right?

5) “He didn’t respond to you, he’s a punk!”
I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but, a lot of people don’t get online to indulge in internet beef. Sounds strange doesn’t it! Especially if it’s with someone you don’t even know. To argue everyday, with the same individuals that you don’t even share the same air with, is ridiculous & a waste of time. Ignore ignorance. Sometimes it takes some time for a person to realize that. I used to argue everyday on AOL. But that was when I was younger & immature. After awhile, it gets tired. Monotonous. It solves nothing. The person still doesn’t like you, they’re going to talk shit about you regardless, so why not just ignore them? Trust me, it worked for me. Put it like this, treat these people like a rat in a house 500 miles away. It doesn’t exist to you nor is it invading your personal space. Like the saying goes “Walking away doesn’t mean that you’re a quitter, it means that you are intelligent enough to know when to quit.”

The diagnosis: The internet is the easiest way for insecure people to cope with the struggles they’re having with their immediate lives, self-esteem and social issues. So they channel their hypocrisy & contradictions via social medias. It’s your job to recognize who these people are, and stay clear away from them.

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The content of kisschanel.com, text and personal images, are ownership of Chanel Cheeks and copyrighted by me unless stated otherwise. No reproduction of any of the content shall be used without prior written consent. If you want to quote me or repost one of my blogs, please send an email requesting permission to do so first. The proper credit link must state the following: Originally written by Chanel @ kisschanel.com. Stealing blog posts is frowned upon and will result in people laughing at you for at least 5 years. This website is not recommended for inmates, ingrates or anyone professing an irrational fear of cats or for people over the age of 120. The content on this blog is the opinion of myself, not intended to “malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organization, company, or individual,” especially those that are very bored with nothing else to do that will try to fight back anything that I have to say. My intention is to not injure others, just in case someone believes I made their genitals bleed by blogging about love & relationships. Full disclosure.

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