“I AM SUING KIM KARDASHIAN”
By Rob Delaney

I wish to formally announce that I am suing Kim Kardashian to stop her divorce from Kris Humphries. I am also suing Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.

HOW I IMAGINE THEIR “WEDDING” WAS PITCHED:

“I know! We’ll have Kim get married! It’ll be a ratings bonanza! We’ll bludgeon the populace with billboards and commercials, build it up across our 14 execrable spinoffs, hire some psychologists to help Kim and Kompany approximate the appearance of human emotion as they navigate the wedding preparation, split the actual wedding over two interminable episodes—even accompany them on the honeymoon! And the best part is, it doesn’t even have to be real! We’ll have Kris (Humphries, not Kris Jenner, Kim’s mom (though having her marry her own mom once ratings start to slide IS a great idea!!!)) sign a pre-nup that is also a non-disclosure agreement AND a waiver stating that if he even talks in his sleep about the “marriage’s” details, he’ll be beaten, drugged, and given a facelift from the same doctor who did Bruce Jenner, and then forced to walk the Earth terrifying children and animals for eternity.”

POSSIBLY THE GREATEST MAGAZINE COVER OF ALL TIME
Ryan Seacrest is the executive producer of the 22 existing Kardashian programs. Please revel in this amazing quote from him, which recently appeared on the cover of PRODUCED BY magazine, the official magazine of the highly principled and ever-honest Producers Guild of America:

WHAAAAAAAT?! A lot of people toss the word “irony” around without really knowing its precise definition.This quote, from this person, is its precise definition. William Shakespeare would have been like, “Damn bro, I can’t top that.” I’m glad he’s been dead for 400 years and can only see it through a time-telescope that Leonardo da Vinci made for him on his 300th birthday.

THE MEAT OF THE MATTER

I digress. I guess I’m just nervous because I’ve never sued anyone before, and this is not a joke. I AM suing Kim Kardashian and the others mentioned above. It is alleged that Kim Kardshian was paid $18 million to participate in her own wedding. I feel like schools could use that money. Or health clinics in areas hit hardest by the recession. Or Pizza Hut. Or Bernie Madoff. Or my uncle Mitchell, who is a convicted sex offender making a living selling Percocet to the elderly in Rhode Island.

Also, quitting your marriage now is a rather public admission that you are very, very bad at the job you were hired to do. I will be surprised if the venerable fashion house Sears renews your “design” contract.