I used to have a bad habit of allowing every new negative situation I face in life, sending me behind a brick wall. Ever noticed how long hard times seem to last & the good times fly by so quickly? It’s because we give the negative times most of our attention. What may seem bad today, can be a blessing tomorrow. Try to grasp the positive aspects of your experience. Challenges come so we can grow & be prepared for things we’re not equipped to handle now. My challenge was learning to forgive & learn to love again. Which I have. Just with love itself, not with anyone in particular. Before you can love someone else, you need to fall in love, with love, all over again.
I used to carry baggage from past relationships into new ones, when we all know that’s not healthy. People (especially the ones looking from the outside, in) usually tell you to “free yourself & start over”.
But how do you free yourself from that which is a part of you?
You don’t.
How do you start over when you don’t know where to begin?
You can’t.
However, you are able to unpack that baggage, lay out all the excess garbage and make room for something better. You take a look at all the pain, guilt & fear dead in it’s face & see what it is, for what it is: the past. Don’t hold everyone responsible for the things someone did to you yesterday. When you do that, you end up in a similiar relationship, an identical situation or with a broken heart. If and when we move beyond where we were, the past is unable to follow us. When you try to throw people out of our hearts & minds all you’re doing is building that brick wall.
Don’t give up on men because the ones in your past treated you like shit. Don’t give up on women because the ones in your past used you. Once you decide to let go and learn how to love again, love will find it’s way back into your life. Love is like shopping for that good pair of jeans. You keeping trying different styles on until you find that perfect pair.
In other news, I’m tired of hearing & reading about these females that think sleeping with a man is going to make him stay with you. No matter how many times you sleep with him, it’s not going to bring you guys closer to a commitment. Women need to get rid of this unrealistic expectation that “pussy” will get you somewhere in life. It doesn’t. All your pussy guarantees are temporary satisfactions. He will never wife you if you keep giving him the goods like you’re already his wife. That same man may front like he cares about you & tell you you’re his everything. Yet refuses to commit. He’ll blame it on his parents. On his ex. On his baby-mother. But in truth, all he’s doing is making mental notes of how you’re conducting yourself with him. You’re not respecting yourself. You’re not giving him any reason to take things to another level, if you’re giving him that “level” already. He’s not getting any motivation because you’re not withdrawing yourself. Why would a man commit to a woman that’s joining in with him on the demoralizing acts of love? (ie: He has a girlfriend/married, telling you he will never commit to you & etc). Nothing’s wrong with 2 single people having a sexual relationship, where you & the other party agrees it’s just that. But don’t expect nothing more than orgasms. Because that’s all you’re entitled to. You have no status, no expectations & no demands.
By Mal LaSalle, December 11, 2009 at 6:08 pm
It’s crazy, those bad habits we develop and the power we allow them in our lives. I’ve come to a conclusion that my satisfaction depends upon me and if I’m going to be happy, the bad shit CANNOT be a focus point.Rather let it be a time to pause, collect my bearings and move forward.
“You’re not giving him any reason to take things to another level, if you’re giving him that “level” already.” TRUE. Mama always said: “why buy the cow if the milk is free.” Sure she was talking bout marriage, but it fits here.
So pack light and keep stepping.
By Marz, December 11, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Truer words. I’ve been preaching the same thing to my friends that have grown bitter from their past relationships. Sometimes the hardest, but the best, thing you can do for yourself and those who will love you in the future is to immerse yourself in that pain for a SHORT while, then let it go. You’ve felt it, you’ve learned from it and need to move on.
That and learn to love yourself first too. I’ve spent too many nights beating myself up for the things that others have done to me and it turned me into someone I look back on and don’t like very much at all. I used to let how others felt about me determine how I felt about myself until one day I realized exactly what Mal said…my satisfaction depends on ME.
By Taneka Alisha, December 13, 2009 at 3:35 pm
This made me think of that Erykah Badu song “Bag Lady”. Sometimes we dont realize how much baggage we are carrying around with us on a daily basis. We bring it with us to work, school, and into every aspect of our being. We dont realize that this baggage is destroying our relationships with others and hindering our own self progress and happiness.
By Jenny, December 15, 2009 at 7:30 am
aww I’m sorry. Just dropping by from another blog. Love your site. :) Very pretty.
By Gisselle Hernandez, December 15, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I wish I would of heard this kind of advice growing up.
By Thao, December 15, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Preach on! The craziest part is that it seems like some of us can’t learn from other people’s bad habits. They want to make their own mistakes because they think their situation is ‘different’ even though they end up in the same place.
By Stef, December 17, 2009 at 5:18 am
You’re a very moving writer. You put so much emotion into what you write.
About the women and the keeping their man thing, the world has just knocked into most women’s heads how the world works when it comes to men. I don’t know how or why women can’t see how things really are and why they have these strange expectations which don’t ever work out in the end – it’s just effed up.
Love your entry though.
By Derky, December 18, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Well said… I know from experience that sex will not keep any man….and it def ruins any potential of having a relationship with that person if you give in too soon!
By Jon, December 19, 2009 at 11:47 am
I like how you drag me so deep into the falling with love all over again, and then slamming me with the blast on commitment. (and with me I’m just generalizing man, not myself) either way, I feel exactly where you’re coming from. People are built to refrain from pain that you experience in life.. Physical, emotional, etc.. However it’s like you said, staring it in the face with pure determination to confront.. good publish og ;)