In the essence of the Chris Brown & Rihanna drama, I will repost a topic I once blogged about called “abused”. I’ve received a few emails on my view about domestic violence and being in an abusive relationship. What saddens me about the whole thing is how so many people are asking “What did she do?” or is saying “She deserved it if she hit him first”. Especially women. People need to open their eyes and realize that abuse is wrong, no matter who started it, no matter who ended it, no matter what.
There are 3 forms of abuse in a relationship. There’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. There’s one guarantee however = It’s not your fault. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, never feel as though it’s your fault they’re treating you that way. Part of the abuse is them convincing you that you are the cause of the way they’re treating you. That’s how the abuser manipulates you & tries to justify it. Truth is, insecurity, low self-esteem and depression is the blame for their actions. The only way they feel better about themselves is by creating this false facade. Most of us believe that the only way it can be called “abuse” is if you’re hit. Wrong. Abuse is abuse. No matter how you try to water it down. All of us have been abused at least once. Even me. My ex thought he was “helping me become a better person” by telling me all the things I need to change about myself. Those constant reminders turned into arguments, which turned into the realization that I needed to move on without him. You’re most likely in an abusive relationship right now. Ever had him consistently tell you that “you need to do this” and “you need to change that” and only then you will be good enough in his eyes? How about being criticized for everything that you do? Has she ever given you the silent treatment for hours, even for days? Been put down or called names that were negative & hurtful? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then yes, you may be in a verbal or emotional abusive relationship.
To be honest with you, I’m unable to advise you a way to leave if you’re caught up in a physically abusive relationship. These are dangerous situations and the best answers you can get are either from a counselor or a police officer. Personally, I would leave that man alone from the first moment he hit me. Fortunately enough for me (and him) I’ve never been hit by a man before. I can’t just imagine the consequences he would have been faced with it from my friends & family if they ever seen me with a black eye, caused by some dude.
Overall, whatever type of abuse you’re going through, there’s no excuse to continue on dealing with it. I understand love is powerful & it makes you do some foolish things at times, but it should never make you compromise yourself, nor your safety. You’re better than that. You also know love doesn’t consist of constant hurt. Abusers try to convince you otherwise. They try to tell you that you need to feel pain in order to love. Bullshit. That’s just them trying to justify their role. They’re trying to control your emotions. They’re jealous due to the fact that they do not have the particular strength you were naturally born with. Also, despite what you may think or want to believe, abusers are not always a man. Get over that Lifetime channel stereotype & open your eyes to reality. Let them continue being abusive on their own. Their negativity should mean nothing to you. You have an unique quality within yourself that they are lacking and instead of acknowledging that quality & giving credit when it’s due, they try their best to convince you that you are worthless & commence to bring you down. This is how they try to trap you into thinking that no one else will want you. The flipside of it is, they know how fascinating you are and is scared that you may leave them to find someone better. Insecurity is a bitch…
To successfully get over it & move on, you have to start saying to yourself: “I am able to recognize that I have something valuable to give the world and no matter how many people wish I didn’t have so many talents that make me the person that I am today, they will never dim my light that shines from within.” Everyone deserves to be valued, respected and safe. Not abused. To those that have experienced any of this, my heart goes out to you. For those that are currently stuck in an abusive relationship, get out now. Life shouldn’t end with someone devaluing your self-worth. There’s nothing to be scared of. Because the true coward is the person that’s abusing you.
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By Wen, March 15, 2009 at 5:44 pm
This puzzles me a bit.
I think my ex boyfriend emotionally abused me or verbally at least. He would call me names, other then you know “bitch” because sometimes I deserve that. But, its when the words “slut” “physco” “crazy” etc come into play is when I feel like I’m being abused.
He would say/do things that were “abusing” and then say sorry after, that he couldn’t control it and he didn’t know what to do. Sometimes he’d offer to go to a psychologist and others he’d tell me off for even suggesting it.
There would be times where we would argue and because I’d be so frustrated I’d cry, and the the more I cried the more he would yell or get more angry and there were times where he’d tell me to stop being a cry baby, which would make it worse. I have anxiety issues, so that would lead to me being on the floor trying to catch my breathe and begging him to comfort me. However, sometimes when he finally did I would come at him physically out of rage that he’d take so long to finally calm me down.
So.. my theory is that he is emotionally abusive and verbally as well, but I cannot deny that I have come at him physically or called him an asshole, two faced..
Does that make me an abuser too?
I dont want to BLAME him but I must say I have never been like that in a relationship before.. It was like my way of feeling like i’m not letting him walk all over me.
By Shannon, March 17, 2009 at 10:21 am
I’ve had my share of abusive relationships by definition. I don’t really tolerate too much, though. People attribute this to me being picky but aren’t we entitled to choose who we want to have in our lives? At least that’s how I see it. If a man is being emotionally, physically or mentally abusive then he doesn’t deserve a place with me, it’s that simple.