Taking a time out to reminisce on the past….
Sitting at the bar. Somehow I glanced in your direction. And at the same time, you glanced towards mine. We smiled. But did no more. The second encounter, we were pumping gas at the same gas station. Was this fate? You noticed me the same time I noticed you. Which brought us to speak. Which also lead to many more conversations. Laughter. Flirting. Sharing experiences. Understanding each other. You became my new best friend. Becoming attracted to each other’s mind. Physical contact; how invigorating that was. Twining, bonding and absorbing every part of our bodies into one. The memories are intoxicating. The times we shared. Irreplaceable. Our whispers. Our caress. Our kisses. The strength of our intimacy. We built a foundation full of love, honor and respect. We are one. You became my future. We made plans, you and I. Plans on being together. Forever. Your family was my family. As was mine. That morning we made love before we went to work. That night we argued over pizza and soon found ourselves kissing on the floor. Your friend’s birthday when we got really drunk and ended up sleeping in the car. The parties. The wild nights. Those walks. The dinners. Our bed. Pure bliss. I felt like I was in heaven. But then something happened. The negative takeover . You started calling less. I became restless. Rolling my eyes every time you gave me yoru opinion. Irritable. Frustration. Confusion. Is the love still there? The way I glared at you. The way you yelled at me. Less quality time was spent with one another. The conversations turned into arguments. Our Friday nights turned into “nah, maybe next week”. The intimacy turned into just plain ole sex. No foreplay. No candles. No tears of satisfaction. Just tears of grief of the feeling that our “intimacy” has become a task. You criticized me more often. I lost focus in you. We stopped grasping each other’s attention with little things. We started blaming each other for things instead of taking responsibility and fixing. The pain starts to sink in. Someone gave up. Someone became somebody else. Someone decided they wanted out. Someone, didn’t love anymore. The confusion. The tears. The heartache. The loneliness. Not having those lips anymore. Not being held in those arms again. Not having you look at me with admiration anymore. Feeling unwanted. Sad. Tired. Unloved.
Now here comes the truth. Years may go by, you will still be in my heart. The pain have subsided, but remembered like yesterday. Many will try, but you are still the best. Some may have gotten close, but you always conquered. Love, will come again…but not as strong as yours. I miss you. I miss your lips, your smile and your touch. I miss it all. Wait a minute. Did I really move on? Am I in denial? They say never go backwards. But suddenly, I want that feeling back. I want you. Or do I just want to be in love again? Is that my reality? Am I in love with being in love? They say love will come again. How will I know? They say you can never lose your true love. Then how did I lose you? Can I have you back? I doubt if you feel the same. Things have changed though. I can make it better then it was before. We can make it work. But are you even worth it now? Should I even waste my time? Matter fact, I change my mind. I think it’s best leave well alone. Maybe you were not my true love. If it was meant to be, it will be. It would have been already. Just like the first day we met. That happened with no struggle. And love should come without any force. Who knows what would happen if I tried, again. But I’ll pass. Want to know why? Here’s why. We may only have one life to live, however, you’ll only have one chance to love. And you had your chance already. Now, someone better is showing me exactly what real love feels like.
Strange how some of the most influential relationships you’ve had in your life can still be reflected upon years later. I don’t recall telling most people how I felt, or feel, when my heart got broken. Especially when it happened more than once. But pretty much, that’s the best I can describe it. It is often difficult to express and communicate the essence of what our inner world is experiencing, because we’re not always aware of what we’re truly feeling. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed by good or bad feelings and this is usually shown by our behavior. Without saying a word. We find our feelings become invisible and we’re unable to do anything at all. It’s really our actions that translate the intangible mystery of our feelings into reality. When people ask us “what’s wrong” how come we usually say “oh nothing” when we know good & damn well something is wrong? Nothing is wrong but everything is. Makes sense? Reason why I usually say “nothing” is because I’m actually being closed in. Part of me don’t want to pour my problems on people and the other part is because I choose to keep negativity to myself. If I’m going to speak upon myself, I prefer for it to be the brighter things that are occurring in my life. I’m still a small culprit for having a brick wall but that’s because people tend to use things against you as soon as there’s some disharmony. In the alternate universe I live in, I find that amusing. In my reality, I don’t know if it’s all that entertaining. It’s hurtful. Some people believe if you don’t share all of your problems with those that inquire, you’re only limiting yourself from people that possibly care about you. That may be true. But there’s a stronger part of me that believes those same people will throw those very same things up in your face when you make them upset. It has happened to me in almost every relationship. Funny how the people you care about would be the ones to make that wall even stronger by betraying you. By breaking your heart.
I don’t get upset at what was said or how a relationship ended. It’s the intention behind their words & actions that bother me. I’m women enough to admit that I am afraid of being hurt ever again. For my heart to be broken. To the point where I’ve become numb & scared. I guess it’s time to break down that wall and let my feelings flow again in a healthy way. Or perhaps subconsciously, I have a hidden agenda. And just to clarify things, I am still open to love. I’m just more careful as to whom deserves to get that love from me.
follow me,
I’ve learned to mend my own broken hearts. For a while I thought that I had up a brick wall but I’ve concluded that I’m still open to relationships and such although, I’m never in a rush to get into any.
I understand exactly what you mean about breakups. Some people are so damned bitter that they’ll do anything to try to upset you or get on your bad side afterward. Sometimes even try to make you look like a terrible person.
That was touching and well-written.
Your words ring so true for me. I have felt the exact same way…there’s always the “what if?” What if it works out better the second time? What if I contacted him, and both of us tried harder? Would it be worth it? And like you, I came to the conclusion that no…it didn’t work the first time, so it’s really unlikely that a second time would be any different. That relationship had its chance, and it didn’t work out. If it was meant to be, it would happen on its own, etc etc…
Following those experiences, I felt numbness and a reluctance to trust anyone again. I’m in a new relationship now, but my views of love are very tainted now. My opinion, as bitter as it sounds, is that “love doesn’t last forever”. I’m hoping that isn’t true… but I have a hard time being optimistic.
I tried to explain this to my family and friends. I don’t share my feelings with other people because they don’t really CARE like they claim they do. They’re usually only being nosey. Your misfortunes aren’t going to affect them in any kind of way so they don’t give a flying freak. That’s why I keep to myself. But I also learned that holding feelings in will damage you. It’s like a balloon, holding in emotions is going to make you POP and then everything is going to be HORRIBLE. But blogging has helped me release those hidden emotions.
I absolutely love this post!!
i do that all the time – tell people that nothing’s wrong when they ask me, when i know damn well something’s wrong. i don’t usually share how i feel to many people b/c depending on who i share it with i think they perceive me as being weak. so i confide in only my closest friends. when you wrote “We may only have one life to live, however, you’ll only have one chance to love. And you had your chance already. Now, someone better is showing me exactly what real love feels like.” i was just like damn … this is so true and i’m still getting myself to that point where i can just let go and move the hell on, b/c the past 3 years of my life was more than a long enough chance.
That is so true about the backlash AFTER the relationship is over. See, that usually happens to the person that’s showing the most strength at the end. If you move on too easily, it’s PAINS the other person to see that. So what better way to get under your ex’s skin by going up against them? Trying to push your buttons and make you feel as bad as they do. It’s sad and pathetic and that’s a true sign the person you were dealing with, wasn’t as mature as you thought.
Thank you. :blog6:
Funny how we spend years of our life giving people “second chances”.
Ahhh…this hit close to home.
Only thing guaranteed when you fall in love with ANYBODY is that eventually, in some way or another…you’ll lose that person. After my first heartbreak, I was on some ‘fuck love’ shit and became completely callous. At first it was such a strong feeling. Knowing no one could hurt me. I had the power. But trust me when I tell you Chanel, it’s a very lonely way of thinking and I’d give anything to go back to the way I was. But the shit is too imbedded in me. Save yourself while you can but just know if the juice is worth the squeeze.
Hell yeah. I’ve had that happen to me and at first it irritated the hell out of me and kind of hurt too because it was just the thought that this person I trusted and cared for at one point had the intention on trying to hurt me in such a way afterward. It made me regretful as hell.
That just goes to show how powerful YOU were in that relationship. They often try their best to make you look so “unattractive” in different entities (ie: your personality, your body, the way you handled issues & etc). But all that does is lead to the ultimate question: “Why did you commit to her if she’s so horrible?” Funny how avoiding drama is inevitable because if you walk away with a smile, they get upset. If you seek revenge, they get upset. lol.
It usually doesn’t work out when it’s like that; love at first sight isn’t real. Don’t trust a man if he just likes you just for your looks. You have to be compatible for love.
Great post. :blogyj:
… and so it goes
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Felt it. Feel it.
Hey Chanel! Just wanted to stop by and thank you for the comments. They meant a lot. :blog77:
Wow, that sounded like quite the relationship. No wonder it made such an impact. It must be hard to reflect back years later. But then again, it’s always nice relive the *good* times and hope someday they’ll back in one way or another.
(In reference to the comments) – Let’s just say I’m very over-protective :blogiii:
It is very hard to reflect back because sometimes you get stuck wondering “Was it me?”. I hate it when things end, whether it’s a relationship or a friendship, and you have no clue why.
Wow, that was very well written Chanel! It made me felt as if I had lived it…which I have in my own way. I’ve had my share of broken hearts, but usually I was able to just pick up the pieces and move on. This made me think I really wasn’t in love in the first place…that it was just an infatuation or something
There was one similar to what you described in this post that hit me hard. It took a couple of years to move on, but I finally did. I am now in a marriage to a wonderful man, and I am so glad I was not afraid to love again.
I really enjoyed reading this. It took me awhile to get over what I thought was love until like you said in the post I found someone to show me what love really was and it was so much better than before. I used to be so afraid to open myself up to another person and just allow myself to love and fall but once you do and find someone worth it its great, may take time.
Wow this was like reading a book… Your written words created this sad picture in my head, like I’m watching a drama or something… are you trying to make us cry? :blogrr: I only had 2 breakups before meeting the one. And I never really experienced that kind of break up before because I have never gone out with my ex’s for too long to really feel that kind of pain that you described so well in this entry. But with my 2nd bf — it took a while to really get over him. I was really hurt even though I was the one who called it off. I really had strong feelings for him. He will always be special to me.
love, it definetly has been my downfall in life, it’s funny how no matter how hurtful they were, or how the relationship ended, or even if the are married now with kids, a man that you were in love with in the past will always have a place in your heart forever.
Your website is absolutely, like, breath-taking. It’s not a huge waste of space. And girl, do you have a way with words. :pray:
have i told you how much i love the way you write, its deep and meaningful i always love visiting your site
hi i relly enjoyed reading your blog, i learned so many thing by reading your blog. i could say im a fun of you although i dont have a blog because im not a good writer and not too good in english.. how about if i make a request could you do a blog kind a complicated love.. like you both do have feeling for each other but you dont want a expectations, demands, commitments.. i know you could do better blog for this situation.. hope you will grant my request. please.. ill wait you to post this story many thanks..by the way im jazmine