Circle one if you are: Single / Married / Divorced / Separated – (Where’s the damn “Dating” option?)
People tend to say the reason why I am single is because I’m picky, I have too many high standards, I’m a maneater, because I’m not willing to succumb & be submissive, because I’m independent…blah blah blah, cluck cluck cluck. Forget all that. I am single because I have yet to come across someone who I am able to be compatible with. I refuse to waste months and months of my life in a false relationship. I refuse to settle. I refuse to lower my standards. I refuse to fuck you on the first date. I refuse to be your side chick. I refuse to date you for more than 2 years with no ring. I refuse to force love. These are just a few of the reasons why I am single. It’s not involuntary. It’s my choice. I chose to be single because I just haven’t met the right man yet. I have my spurts when I serial date (about once a month), but…I don’t ever find that guy that makes me go “ooOOooOoo”. Sure I have my share of men that wants to commit, but I don’t want to commit to them. They’re just not my type.
While you’re lying in my bed, I wonder what the hell I am doing. Why do I continue to feel this way. What the hell am I doing with you. We used to connect emotionally but now I feel as if I don’t even know you. The things you’ve said to me, said about me, done to me….gave me enough ammunition to leave you. But I didn’t. Why am I here? Why am I with you? You don’t deserve a woman like me. And I damn sure don’t deserve a man like you. Your attitude stinks. Your outlook on life & relationships aren’t even what they used to be. And last but not least, I’m not even attracted to you anymore. So again I ask myself, why am I still with you? Why am I torturing myself? Why am I compromising love?
I hate to admit this but, I’ve felt this way before. More than once. I’m sure you have as well? Well, I refuse to feel this way ever again. I don’t want to ever find myself in an unsatisfying relationship ever again. If I’m not feeling your style, I will let you go from the jump. If your way of living doesn’t appease to me, I won’t continue to contact you. If your breath stink, I will change my number. I will never become one of those women that see the tell-tale signs of a troubled man and then start a relationship with him. That’s why there are women out here stuck in long-term relationships with a “fucked up” man. He’s not fucked up. You’re the fool to commit to him after knowing that he’s really not your type in the first place. Sometime during the first 6 months you knew he liked to smoke. So why 2 years later you’re trying to make him stop? Some women self-esteem is so low, that they will be with a man, just to be validated. You think it’s cute to parade around with a shitty relationship shouting “Hey ya’ll…I got man! Look, look!…I got a man!” Oh yeah? That’s good that you got a man, but that same man ain’t shit. That’s why so many of us are in disharmonious relationships.You rush into things, you take the first man that ever showed you attention, you’re bedazzled by his bank account, you’re whipped over the good dick…man…get your head out of the clouds. That’s not what love is about.
I like to take my time and feel out the person I want to be with. I’m far from naive so I usually find out within a month that he’s not gonna be the one I want to be with (sometimes a week). I’m very down to earth and open-minded so I expect you to be the same also. I refuse to try to change someone. Wait…I’m lying. I’ve done it in the past, but it was all in good effort to better someone. Not to make us work. I don’t tolerate the bullshit that these men try to put us through either. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m not “male bashing” but I know a few men that will even admit to treating good women like shit in the past. They claim it’s just a “natural male instinct”. I say that’s bull. And I try my best not to partake in anyone’s “natural male instinct”. Please. Before we can start building a foundation for the both of us you have to prove that you’re HIV negative, understand that my daughter comes first in my life, I do not tolerate infidelity and communication is the key through any problem we may have.
Should I be depressed because I haven’t found him yet? Or should I be happy because I still have the chance to date whomever I like, whenever I like? I’m not looking however. Whatever happens, happen. I start “looking” once I meet that potential. I look within. And all I’m looking for is stability. Consistent affection & excessive amounts of sex with my mate. Overall, someone who understands me and what I’ve been through, who I can grow with & build a new life together. My main rule is this: Always remember that no matter how you’re built, there will always be at least one person that will recognize that & embrace it. So why settle for a person that only adore half of you. Why should I compromise my standards and date a man that can’t look me in his eyes and see me as a plan in his future? I’m not waiting 5 years for a ring. I’m not changing how I dress. I’m not adjusting my morality to please your sexual desires. I just won’t. I prefer to be happy alone, than to be miserable with someone in my life.
I’m 30. I’m single. And I’m happy.
By Kay, May 23, 2009 at 11:09 am
[ sigh ]
I’m not going to tell you that there is a paragraph here that tells it all about my relationship. I wont say that this dude aint shit and I’m already in two months with him. I wont say that this dude has good quality and some bad. I wont say that I’ve been dying to blog about his ass in the worse way possible but my ex likes to read my blogs. Do I really want to be laughed at by him? NO!
I feel you. I was once on this path and now I find myself lost. WTF? What road did I turn down? Never been down this path. I feel like I’m in a Blair Witch movie. And you just helped me find my way. This nigga gotta GO!
It’s not that I want to be validated. It’s the fact that he showed intelligence when I met him. We were friends first. Hanging out with our mutual friends. But when things got close…? Something happened, he CHANGED! Not the guy I knew before.
[ Excuse me while I scream ]
This blogged touched a sensitive spot.
By tupieta, May 23, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I absolutely love this post. I swear some of what you speak of is EXACTLY why I have not been in anything long term with anyone.
I used to be the one with the low self esteem, settling for less than I deserved, prostituting myself for time, attention, and empty compliments. But in my heart I knew that it wasnt what I wanted or deserved.
At the end of my blog post about the letter to my younger self I pretty much sum up what you’ve said here. It’s about love and fear. If you truly love yourself you will recognize that you deserve genuine love, affection, security and stability. Not half-way dick slinging,, lies, and empty promises. When you live in fear you make choices that doesnt benefit you, but just makes you happy for the moment. Hence being in unfulfilled relationships with no hope of growth or life-time companionship.
I’m in a relationship right now and I come across this issue. He’s a great guy but like you said “it was all in good effort to better someone. Not to make us work.” I want him to be better for himself. That doesnt stop the plan for my life and if I dont see progress or feel like its going to lead anywhere better then I’m ready to let it go.
Kudos to you. We can do bad all by ourselves, we definitely dont need the help of anyone else so why waste precious time that you wont get back. There is always someone out there willing to make the sacrifice and commitment. If it was easy as finding the first thing that made your cooter jump we’d all be happy and in love. :blog88:
By Easher, May 23, 2009 at 10:07 pm
My boyfriend turned into a total shxt head lately and that’s where I have trouble figuring out wtf causes this problem. The gap. The distance. Nothing is the same. His mom tells him all the time someone is going to come and take me away from him. I know my ass isn’t the problem herfe. Like others who see it, I’m talented, not bad looking and I have a bright future. I’ve told his ass not to fuck with me, ever (once he messed up and I decided to give it another go).
I was recently in a modeling competiton and now I and a few other girls are being flown to NY. I told him I’d get sponsors easy since we’re celebs here and pay for him to come along. Gettikng his paper work done to get into the states would be no problem. Know what he says? “I can’t leave.” I picked and picked at him til I could get an answer. Frist its the fear of his mom being beaten. The its cause he’s on a a job contract. then its something else.
I’m seventeen and doors are open for my young ass, think I’m gonna waste anymore time with the ass? I’ll leave him to figure himself out. MEANWHILE my modeling contract is waiting for me and so is college. Shootz.
Great post.
By Noey, May 24, 2009 at 1:57 pm
:woot: I couldn’t have said it better myself!! I give this blog a rating ten times higher than the highest. People always tell me the same thing, but my answer is always the same…I’m not this nor than, I just refuse to lower my standards. It’s not like I’m a super picky person, I just look for specific characteristic traits in the type of man that I date and that’s that. I’m simple. I lov this blog and I agree 100% with everything that you had to say.
:blog00: noey.
By tiff, May 24, 2009 at 2:07 pm
It is really good to hear that you don’t feel pressured to rush in to a committed relationship. Heck, I’m only 21, and I’m already pressured by my own family to find a boyfriend, because supposedly I’m at that “age” where I should have a boyfriend already.
There is absolutely no fucking such thing as being obligated to find somebody at a certain age. I don’t have a boyfriend-hell I never even had an actual boyfriend because I haven’t found the right one yet. I don’t want to settle for less. I’d rather, very much, wait and be single for a long time than to be stuck with some dickbag.
By diva., May 24, 2009 at 7:29 pm
:blogyj: As always, this blog hit home base. I don’t know what it is about your blogs, but it never fails – whenever I’m going through something, you’re blogs ALWAYS tell me what I need to do. It’s like you know what I’m going through. lmao
By kim, May 25, 2009 at 1:27 am
i love that you can say “i’m single and happy”. there are so many females out here that can’t take being single for two days, and just go with the next dude that comes along. and are they happy? no, but its like they are afraid to be alone. idk. i would never just “settle”.
By TiLa, May 25, 2009 at 1:44 am
This post makes me feel like I’m not completely crazy. I’m 23 and have only had one committed (short) relationship because I don’t meet guys that are worth having a relationship with. I have never felt like I should be with a guy just to have a boyfriend like so many girls do. I am picky and I do have high standards and morals, but besides that and most importantly I just never talk to or meet guys that I have a connection with or feel I can have a healthy positive relationship with. Everyone just thinks… well I really don’t know what everyone thinks, but I’m sure they are wondering what my problem is, but oh well. At least I haven’t wasted years of my life on dudes that I know I have no future with, instead I have been living my life and getting shit done and not having to report my where abouts to no boy. I will have no problem committing to the right guy when he comes along, but until then I will be enjoying single life just fine while finding just a little amusement in all these chicks with their drama filled relationships that aren’t going nowhere.
By Heidi, May 25, 2009 at 9:44 am
Great post as usual. I don’t mean to be intrusive but why don’t you ever “reflect” on your experiences as a mother?
By chanel, May 25, 2009 at 11:22 am
There are certain things in my life I like to keep private. My trials and tribulations as a mother is one of them. As you can see, I don’t post pictures of my daughter anymore.
By alexis b. ™, May 26, 2009 at 10:20 am
This entry ironically came at my one year of celibacy mark. Good job. It has always irked the fuck out of me that people act like somethin’ is wrong with you if you’re single. Get it correct – WE’RE the ones who are brave enough to face the world on our own and not base all our morals, opinions and valus off our mate. WE’RE the ones not willing to settle just because we’re afraid of being alone. I’m so tired of people flaunting relationships/engagements/marriages when it’s so CLEAR that neither party is happy. You’re weak if you’re in a relationship just because you need the comfort of being in a relationship. Simple shit.
By Barbara, May 26, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Wow! :blogyj: , everything in this entry I can absolutely relate to. I always seem to settle for guys who have shown me a little bit of attention and then changed after a little while and I am tired of it! It’s amazing how whenever I read your blogs, they always seem to be about something I can totally feel.
Another great post x
By Kristine, May 26, 2009 at 10:57 pm
I know I’d rather be single than be with someone that I don’t love. I think it’s great that you are waiting for the right person to come along and would not take anything less. I personally believe that there everyone has a right man/woman that God designed for them. Many people marry the wrong person and then end up getting divorced. I think it’s important to understand that when you enter a marriage you have 2 imperfect people being united into one and that there will be times that even that right man/right woman WILL piss you off. I’m married and my husband and I both understand that we are not perfect. There are still many things that we are working on. Our marriage is not perfect. We have our ups and downs, but I’m happy too because I waited for my right man.
By Trish, May 27, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Amen. People think it’s weird that I’m 16 and don’t date. I don’t date now because when I do, I’ll want to be looking for a guy to spend the rest of my life with; not just some high school sweetheart. And a lot of the guys at my school are just idiots; all they want is sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex. They want to make everyone think they’re a “real man” because they’ve screwed some girl.
I’ve witnessed my aunts and uncles pair up with alcoholics, abusive men, gold diggers, molesters, rapists, and psychos. Yes, that side of the family happens to lack common sense. My aunt knew some guy for SIX months and decided to marry him because she was desperate for a guy to support her three kids. Little did she know, he was molesting and beating my cousins. And she acts like none of it was her fault when it damn well was. So, because I’ve had to suffer through watching her dumb choices, I’ve come to learn to wait for the right guy and not be bothered that I’m single.
I deeply respect your choices and I’m glad to have read this post. :pray:
By Whitni, May 28, 2009 at 11:22 am
I have to admit, I was being nosy and read everyone else’s comments and it made me think: if this post was about WANTING to be in a relationship, I wonder just how many of these SAME people would have went on and on about not understanding why they can’t find a decent man and blah blah blah. Your post was extremely inspiring (as they usually are) and it was very empowering to say the least, so I’m not taking ANYTHING away from what you’ve expressed. I’m with you on not understanding why when people hear that you’re single, they assume you don’t have ANYBODY, when it’s very likely that you are casually dating someone or a few people! I can’t say that I’m, personally, “waiting” on Mr. Right to come along, because at THIS point in my life, my main concern is working on becoming Ms. Right. Soooo many women neglect the idea that it may very well be THEM that is causing the *wrong* man to come along (not insinuating that you are one of them). I say, to all the single ladies, keep your standards high, but be realistic. Stand up for yourself, but don’t be on the defense so much that you become a ball buster. And don’t expect more out of someone than you are willing to give. We all have different ideas of what constitutes happiness in relationships as well as being single, but it all starts within, which is exactly why *YOU* are single and HAPPY. :blogttt:
By Rathy, May 29, 2009 at 5:17 pm
As long as you’re happy with yourself, that is what counts. I’ve been in that situation, where I let things just happen. And it took me awhile to figure that I wasn’t really happy where I was. But I finally told myself to choose instead of settle, and I’m much happier with myself for that.
By Mallory, May 29, 2009 at 8:56 pm
First let me tell you that I’m 17, single, & always have been…& for what?! This reason alone! I’m not one of these naive little girls who will sit their & say “it’s because I’m ugly & fat.” I’m chubby, I have acne, but do you see me losing confidence in myself?! NO! Will I?! Never. Do I get lonely?! Of course…who doesn’t?! I’ve been that girl at 14-15 where I would get all “emo” because I didn’t have a boyfriend. I guess I thought it was the thing to do at the time lol. Nicely written Chanel! I love it! It is nice to know that there are females still out their that WON’T settle for less. Damn, I love it! Oh, on the other side of things…I’m one that likes to try & “save” people, so that IS something I need to work on LOL.