Invent


oh no not i…

When my car spun out of control, Biggie Smalls was rapping about how more money brings more problems. Then when it  flipped, all I thought “Why me? Not now!” but my mouth was yelling “Oh God, No!”.  Airbags deployed then in a few more moments, I heard a big bang. My car finally stopped. I look up and I saw was darkness & a bunch of trees. My lights were still on, and Biggie was still rhyming. I tried to open my door but it was stuck. So I grabbed my purse & my cellphone off the floor & opened the window. Don’t ask me how but I managed to get my big head through it & crawled out of the car. The state of shock I was in doesn’t allow me to remember how I did it. I do, however, remember hearing a loud “crack” from the tree that was preventing my car from falling the remainder 450ft. I had to move fast. I looked up and I can hear the cars on the highway, but I barely see it. I grabbed a tree stump and started to climb. I stuck my feet into the dirt as leverage to climb higher. 50 feet later, I was finally facing the same railing that my car crashed through. I collapsed on it and proceeded to call 911…

An hour later, after the police blocked the highway, I watched the tow truck pull my car out of the ditch. Ever crumpled up foil paper? That’s how the front & the rear of my car looked. I don’t know how I got out of that with no missing teeth, no broken bones or major injuries, but I am extremely grateful for it. My weave and nails were still fabulous darling. The rescue crew were giving me high fives because they’ve said other people have died in that same ditch. Also, they’ve never seen a woman save herself like the way I did. Was it the military training from over 10 years ago? Was it because I was in shock? No. It was because I knew it wasn’t time for me to leave my daughter yet. I refused to lose my position in life. If I was supposed to die at that moment, I would have been dead. Friday night was not that moment. This is part where I start playing Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” & do the cocaine snap.

Here comes the profound thoughts of life, God, my blessings and how horrible 2009 has been to me. To everyone. I don’t know what it is about this year that has everyone in a worldspin, but guess what?…[Yes, I'm about to tell you something that's very cliche.]…You’re still alive. Something, that I keep reminding myself since Friday night. Something, that all of my loved ones kept telling me all weekend. I want to sulk and sob about the things I have endured the past couple of months, but something cockblock the tears. There’s a lot more going on in my life and it’s amazing how you find out who your true friends are when you’re in need of help. Sucks that it has to be that way, but that’s how life is. And I am grateful that I still have mine.

The first image is the ditch. You can’t see my car from the edge of the highway. The only reason my car didn’t go further than 50ft was because it crashed into a tree. The second image are the 2 bruises I endured from the seatbelt that saved my life.

Life may be rough and a lot of unfair events will occur, but don’t allow it to alter your motivation. So many people go through life believing they’re being cheated or the world owes them something. I’m not going to lie, I am very guilty of that because I’m doing it now. However, no one owes you anything. You owe it to yourself because you chose & accepted what you receive. We create whatever we want in our lives. All you need is proper guidance and a perception to get there. Of course things like car accidents, plane crashes and certain diseases cannot be avoided, nor do we deserve them, but don’t waste too much of your time trying to figure out “why” it happened. Since the car accident, I haven’t been able to sleep well. Those that know me personally, knows that I love sleeping and can sleep for 12-14 hours straight without waking up. Now, I can barely fall asleep or stay asleep for more than 4 hours. I keep getting flashbacks of the accident. But, I have to fall back and really catch myself before I start to complain. When you complain, all you’re doing is not taken notice and being grateful for what we do have. We’re giving too much to dwell on what we lack. I believe once we appreciate the greatness we have, just by having life and being one of the people that He choose to wake up that morning, we will be granted more blessings. I have so much to be thankful for. Mainly, the fact that He spared my life so I can come home to my wonderful daughter. What more can I ask for?

12/22/09 Update: Pictures of my car:

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bad habits.

I used to have a bad habit of allowing every new negative situation I face in life, sending me behind a brick wall. Ever noticed how long hard times seem to last & the good times fly by so quickly? It’s because we give the negative times most of our attention. What may seem bad today, can be a blessing tomorrow. Try to grasp the positive aspects of your experience. Challenges come so we can grow & be prepared for things we’re not equipped to handle now. My challenge was learning to forgive & learn to love again. Which I have. Just with love itself, not with anyone in particular. Before you can love someone else, you need to fall in love, with love, all over again.

I used to carry baggage from past relationships into new ones, when we all know that’s not healthy. People (especially the ones looking from the outside, in) usually tell you to “free yourself & start over”.

But how do you free yourself from that which is a part of you?
You don’t.

How do you start over when you don’t know where to begin?
You can’t.

However, you are able to unpack that baggage, lay out all the excess garbage and make room for something better. You take a look at all the pain, guilt & fear dead in it’s face & see what it is, for what it is: the past. Don’t hold everyone responsible for the things someone did to you yesterday. When you do that, you end up in a similiar relationship, an identical situation or with a broken heart. If and when we move beyond where we were, the past is unable to follow us. When you try to throw people out of our hearts & minds all you’re doing is building that brick wall.

Don’t give up on men because the ones in your past treated you like shit. Don’t give up on women because the ones in your past used you. Once you decide to let go and learn how to love again, love will find it’s way back into your life. Love is like shopping for that good pair of jeans. You keeping trying different styles on until you find that perfect pair.

In other news, I’m tired of hearing & reading about these females that think sleeping with a man is going to make him stay with you. No matter how many times you sleep with him, it’s not going to bring you guys closer to a commitment. Women need to get rid of this unrealistic expectation that “pussy” will get you somewhere in life. It doesn’t. All your pussy guarantees are temporary satisfactions. He will never wife you if you keep giving him the goods like you’re already his wife. That same man may front like he cares about you & tell you you’re his everything. Yet refuses to commit. He’ll blame it on his parents. On his ex. On his baby-mother.  But in truth, all he’s doing is making mental notes of how you’re conducting yourself with him. You’re not respecting yourself. You’re not giving him any reason to take things to another level, if you’re giving him that “level” already. He’s not getting any motivation because you’re not withdrawing yourself. Why would a man commit to a woman that’s joining in with him on the demoralizing acts of love? (ie: He has a girlfriend/married, telling you he will never commit to you & etc). Nothing’s wrong with 2 single people having a sexual relationship, where you & the other party agrees it’s just that. But don’t expect nothing more than orgasms. Because that’s all you’re entitled to. You have no status, no expectations & no demands.

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